Let’s Talk About Sex

Note to my readers:  This blog entry is rated R therefore if you don’t want to read R rated material….carry on with whatever you were doing before visiting my blog :))

I love sex just as much as the next person.  Even being 41 years old, having 5 kids, and a prescription for zoloft, I still enjoy sex.

Now my husband and I have been married long enough that yes we like to bring some “creativity” into the bedroom.  We have an entire army issue sized box full of all the items to feed that creativity.  I mean come on can you ever have too much porn? And every time I think I have one of the latest and greatest toys another one hits the market.  Although I must admit that my latest love affair is with the “magic wand”.  Look it up ladies…I highly recommend.

174629-174743-350x350<—looks like this

And if it is discovered by your children or anyone else who may come across it, just simply tell them it’s your new back massager.  But I would suggest just putting it under lock and key when done with it.  Wouldn’t want the kids running around and singing into it like it’s the latest toy microphone.  Or god for bid any in-laws getting a hold of it((quivers at the visual of that)).   Couldn’t even imagine why they would be wondering around my bedroom but you just never know.  Reason why we invested in a large storage bin, that locks, to keep all our stuff safe and secure so there is no having to explain anything…well except when the kids ask what’s in the box.  “None of your business” is my best answer.

715KnT0WtiL._SX522_<—looks just like this

So just like every married or long term relationship couple there comes a time when sometimes it takes a little more fuse to light the fire.  Sometimes it even takes an absolute torch to get it there.  Other times it comes on like an inferno and ends up as a quicky in the closet (pretty sure this is how our second child was conceived).  But I say that as long as it is STILL happening then who cares HOW it is happening?

Here is where it is going to get a bit R rated…first let’s talk about “whiskey dick”... oh wait…I have no criteria on that subject.  My husband does not suffer from that problem what so EVER!!!  As a matter of fact he is just the opposite.  Could go for hours.  Me on the other hand am just not into a marathon of all night sexcapades.  Especially when sometimes sex with my husband when he’s “under the influence” is somewhat like having sex with a stranger…like seriously he has been abducted by aliens and this body that looks like my husband has the mind of “Mr. Grey”.  And not that it’s  a bad thing but I would just  prefer to try some of that stuff when sober please ((cracks whip on table)).

Another thing that still stumps me is why they have not invented any kind of “horny” pill for women??? Men have Viagra Unknown<—so where is women’s form of that?  Cause let’s face it women have a much more difficult time getting “in the zone” then men do.   Sometimes by the time my husband has reached  3rd base I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet.  So why shouldn’t we have a little magic pill to take?  And what’s with all the commercials about sex being painful when you get “older”?  I don’t care about that…I care about the here and now while every thing still works like it’s suppose to!!!  In the words of my 80 year old grandmother (may she rest in peace not reading my blog) she said “Use it while it works because when it doesn’t you will miss it”.

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I am a mother of 5, a wife to 1, and a fully certified domesticated momster who likes to blog about motherhood, marriage, and anything else that pops into my crazy head all with a side of sarcasm and a glass of wine.

18 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex”

  1. The Milko and I are a long standing marriage and are pretty good in the sack as long as my heads in the game. I totally get the having sex with a stranger part. It weirds me out that they can get so lost in the moment – oh that’s right alcohol can do that to the best of us! Mel xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Totally get the bit about having sex with a total stranger when hubby is under the influence! What’s that about? I’d be more likely to use the wand as a back massager except the Milko thinks back and vagina are the same thing! Lol Mel xx

    Liked by 1 person

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