Being The “Stepmom”

They say that being a mom is hard but rewarding “job”.  Well I would have to say that being a stepmother is even harder and in my case not very rewarding.  I met my stepsons when they were 8 and 10…now they are 14 and 16 (about to be 15 and 17)…but not much has changed during this time except that I have given birth to 3 children of my own and truly know the meaning of unconditional love.

My stepsons didn’t have the easiest start in life.  I only know bits and pieces of what happened in their lives back then but somehow even though I have tried to give them stability and love over the past six and a half years, the emotional scars that they endured still linger.  Therefore leaving me with an unattainable “motherhood”.  Which in turn leaves me extremely frustrated.  When they were younger I understood that they were just young boys and that I was going to have to work at gaining their trust and love but I am no further in grasping that obstacle then I was when I started.  So why not just give up?

My husband had a step child for about 5 minutes in his previous relationship so of course that makes him an expert now on the subject.  Therefore trying to talk to him about it is pretty much pointless.  He just gets aggravated and thinks that I should just try harder.  But now that they are approaching young adulthood how much effort am I supposed to make when I feel no return?  Just like any other relationship at some point when love isn’t reciprocated one just stops trying.  It’s hard to think or feel that way but at the same time I didn’t give birth to them therefore the unconditional love that I feel for my own children does not come naturally with my step children.  And the feeling of wanting to nurture them has been shaded by the constant feeling of being the “step monster” even though I have been with them longer then their real mother ever was.

I accepted a long time ago that they had a mother and that even though she has been in and out of their lives that she was and still is their mother.  I have never asked them to call me mom nor have I ever expected it from them.  I had a stepfather growing up and I had no desire to call him dad because I already had a dad that was actively involved in my life.  It’s truly the lack of love and respect for me as the person who has been the feeling of stability for them for over the past 6 years that leaves me with this feeling of failure as a step parent.

They aren’t bad kids by any means.  They are your typical teenage boys with a few broken pieces that haven’t quite been mended.  My husband did a good job of teaching them about life long before I came along.  Even at 8 and 10 they knew how to “survive”  more then most adults I knew.   I guess somehow by me stepping in and trying to fill a void of female nurturing I thought that in time they would learn to at least say “I love you” without a disgruntled expression or mumbling it beneath their breath.   But nothing about that has changed.  And quite honestly the older they get, the harder it becomes for me to say knowing that is the type of response I will get.

Published by

DomesticatedMomster

I am a mother of 5, a wife to 1, and a fully certified domesticated momster who likes to blog about motherhood, marriage, and anything else that pops into my crazy head all with a side of sarcasm and a glass of wine.

7 thoughts on “Being The “Stepmom””

  1. I can’t tell you how beautifully painful this is. Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better, and the realist in me knows that, that isn’t always true. Time doesn’t make all things always better. And the disdain my step daughter has for me is very loud and very expressed. How do you live with it? It’s only been 5 months and I struggle daily with my new 5 month marriage due to the conflict.

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    1. First off thankyou so much for reblogging my blog post it truly makes me feel that it means something to you enough to do that. As for having to endure the sometimes difficult task of being the “stepmom” it is truly not easy. Sure I have friends who have great bonds with their step children and I truly envy them. You must must must make your marriage a priority. Even though I get upset with my husband when I try to talk to him about my “stepmom” feelings for the most part he backs me up when it comes to disciplining the boys. It is very important that you stand together in that aspect. How old is your step daughter? I think girls are just so much more emotional than boys and if she’s a teen or preteen those emotions are in full force. Is her mother active in her life? Do you get along with the mother? Cause that too can make things so difficult if the mother is upset about you being in the picture. I have more problems with my stepsons aunt then I do their mother and honestly I have just had to tell her a time or two what I was feeling regardless of how blunt it was. Hang in there…remember you are the adult and if ever you need someone to just listen please feel free to message me here or email me at souzaville007@gmail.com :))

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      1. Her mother is active in her life around the 1st and the 15th of every month, because unfortunately we still pay alimony and that’s when money is due. We are in AL and her mom is in PA. We got full emergency custody of her the day we got married, 5 months ago. But since we’ve been together we’ve only not had her for maybe 10 weeks. Of course those 10 weeks her mom had her were full of how awful I am and how daddy left them cause he didn’t love them, just me. But as far as an active mom in her life, I’ve had to take on that roll. My husband is a Drill Sergeant so a LOT of responsibility regarding her has been left to me. And I have a super demeaning job. Just doesn’t make being married or anything easy being so disliked.

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  2. I too am a stepmom. I was lucky to enter my SD life when she was about 2.5 not yet 3 yrs old. I think establishing a relationship when they are younger is easier, but as she is now 8 and soon in her tweens, I know there will be questions about why her parents split, she may long for them to get back together, all the normal stuff. Having my own child this past year has really helped me feel grounded in my marriage. Sometimes not having an expectation of a child is best. Be gentle with yourself and consistent with the child. Being a stepmom is by far the toughest job out there!

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    1. I do so agree with you that it is easier to adjust the younger they are. I feel like I have tried to be consistent with the older boys but now that one will be an adult in a little over a year and the other one is close behind I just feel that my energy is more directed at raising my 3 little ones. It may sound selfish but for me it’s the truth. I love my stepsons and have tried to give them the best female nurturing that they would allow me to give. When the younger one was 8 or 9 I used to try and hug him all the time until one day he said he didn’t like being hugged at all…so I just quit doing it. That day sticks in my head for some reason. Probably cause it hurt and I had never experienced any child who didn’t like to be hugged. I had always been around happy loving kids. I was an aunt long before I was a mother and my nieces and nephews were always loving. And now with my own children I hug and kiss them constantly and tell them I love them several times a day. And the love is reciprocated. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post…I do so appreciate it :))

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      1. I always feel as a stepmom that I have all of the responsibility without any of the authority. It’s hard. I have stepped back a lot with my step daughter since the birth of my own baby. It has been good for me because there is a lot about the situation I can not control. Directing my energy elsewhere and still being as present as I can with my SD works for me emotionally. Thank you for talking about a hard topic!

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