Today while reading a fellow blogger’s post, Reneé at Mummy Tries, it inspired me to write my own post.
There was a time in my life that I really didn’t care if I would live to see another day. I played by my own rules and pretty much destructed anything that came into my path. I was reckless, careless, and on a one way street to my own destruction.
Things really took a turn for the worst when I woke up one day, at the age of 34, another failed relationship, and an empty bottle of vodka on the counter. I had created quite a mess. And I had pretty much come to the conclusion that this was my life and there was really nothing more to do then go to the liquor store and get another bottle of vodka. And I did. To say I was a borderline alcoholic was probably sugar-coating it.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a ridiculously fun summer getting drunk and lounging around in the pool everyday with my best friend. Sobering up long enough to go to work, pay the bills, and buy more vodka.
Being single had started to paint this beautiful picture…
Those around me at the time, with the exception of my best friend, probably weren’t aware of the tragic girl trapped inside this beautiful mess of mine. I decorated my life well. Everything on the outside said “happy” but then peel one layer of the previous night’s mascara away and the true meaning of wretched lied beneath.
You see, as much as I remember having fun in those days there is also a lot of “not so fun” memories. Some that would probably drop jaws if I were ever to write about them. And some that I just prefer to keep locked in my own personal Pandora’s box.
Those days that I left behind …some fun…some not so fun…are also called “no regrets”. I lived life the way I wanted to, however crazy that was. I hit bottom a few times but managed to get back up and dust myself off. And all those times remind me to appreciate my life now.
Because today…here and now…I have these little people who rely on me everyday…who would miss me if I were gone…
A feeling I had never experienced before. The possibility of being missed. It changes everything. The feeling of not caring about seeing another day was suddenly filled with an extreme need to firmly plant both feet on the ground and keep them there. To laugh more, love more, and try harder to embrace…life more.
There have been times I have still struggled at it…life…my marriage…and sometimes even motherhood I would be lying if I said otherwise. There have been days that I have felt like “quitting” but then I remember I’m no quitter.
I am a mother…a gift that some never get to experience in their life…and a gift that truly saved mine.
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