~Marriage Doesn’t Work On Auto-Pilot~

 marriage relationships love family couples 

Lately I have spent a lot of time reading articles about marriage and even dwelling into my own.  What makes them work? Why do they fall apart? Why are men and women so different?

This year of 2015 has been a trying one on my marriage.  It has to do with a number of reasons.

For 3 years prior we lived in separate places…5 hours apart…and only saw each other once or twice a month.  And it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder because when I finally got to see him I was so happy that there wasn’t any time to be upset about anything.   We had very little time together and didn’t want to spend it arguing about stupid stuff.

Now we are living under the same roof and as much as I love seeing and kissing his face everyday it also opens more doors and avenues to argue.  Usually because we are both tired and frustrated from the days we have had.  I think it’s easier for him to go to work and he thinks it’s easier for me to be home with the kids.  That is probably the base of every argument.  There was also a time in the beginning of the move that I resented him for taking a job that eventually caused me to make a decision to move. A place where I knew no one, he was the only adult I had to talk to, and he was gone 17 hours a day.

Now let’s add in that during the first part of the year I was taking anti-depressant medication which I had been put on after having my third and final child.  Being on it pretty much made me not care about anything including sex.  I didn’t care if we had it or not and for the most part I only did it as an obligation of being a wife.  I was also a bitch all the time.  Bitchy all the time and uninterested in sex can put a real strain on a marriage.  So I decided to quit taking the medication.

It took a long time for the medication to finally leave my system and as it did I noticed my sex drive returning which was great but I also started to notice that during my monthly cycle time I was pretty much on the verge of becoming a complete lunatic….and am still dealing with those emotions once a month.

This means he’s dealing with it too and how am I supposed to expect him to understand it when I don’t understand it myself???  I am horrible at the fact that I will sit and dwell on something, overthink it, and drain the life out of it until I then blow up at something as trivial as he didn’t answer a text message.

 marriage relationships struggles mental health love 
The female mind is such a frustrating mystery.  And for most men, including my husband, I am sure they wished there was just a switch to turn off the crazies…hell…so do I!

But there’s not.

There’s also the factor that my husband and I have not had an overnighter alone with just the two of us for almost 2 years now.  Sure we have date nights where we go out to dinner, maybe catch a movie or sometimes we are just so exhausted that when dinner is finished we drag ourselves home and to bed.  We have 4 kids living at home 3 of which are 5 and under…the oldest, luckily for us, is old enough to babysit so that we can have said date nights.  But I truly believe that mommies and daddies need time away to reconnect with one another without the stresses of everyday life.

But through all of these factors, the close calls of calling it quits, the fights, and the craziness in general…we have chosen not to give up.  We have chosen to keep our family unit connected and work on making our marriage better.  

 marriage relationships love family struggles  
We have made it clear to one another that we are the glue that bonds this family together and that with both of us coming from broken homes, we want to embrace every chance not to let that happen to our children.  And that doesn’t mean only staying together for the children because believe me I have read a lot of material on that lately and that’s unhealthier for the kids than splitting up.

We choose to stay together because we know we truly love each other and also because we realize that the good days are really REALLY good and as long as they continue to outweigh the bad days then the marriage is worth fighting for.

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            I’m linking this post with the following linkys…


The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

37 comments

  1. I think relationships are hard with or without kids. I have been on anti-depressants for years (on and off, but currently on) which started in my late 20s after I went through a divorce and was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis (weird auto-immune spine disease) before turning 30. Anyway, I have seen your posts on other social media about exercise and I’m kind of getting inspired to try and get myself going and wondering if you have found it to be beneficial in helping you mentally/emotionally etc? Maybe a future blog post when you have time cause I think many could benefit. I think it’s great that you and the hubs are working through stuff. Sounds like you two are a good team. Great post- perfect title.

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    1. Working out is SERIOUSLY been a huge factor in my feeling better. Before I was really dealing with craziness on a daily basis and now it’s only a few days a month which are really bad but better than everyday. I plan to blog about my progress and what I’m doing to obtain my goals. Eating right is so important too …it’s amazing the effects the food we fuel our bodies with can effect how we feel. Wishing you well and hope you can find something that works for you.

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  2. What an open & honest post, Trista! I think having children puts a huge strain on a marriage! Then you add the day to day stresses & monthly stresses & that makes it all worse. I’m glad you guys are working on things & that you are stronger now. x

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  3. Good for you Trista! I may be a cynic when it comes to marriage (for myself) but I think that when two people really decide that their marriage is worth fighting for, then fight for it. My ex and I NEVER saw eye-to-eye on anything. I was married for ten years to the wrong person, even tried marriage counseling but the same issues just kept coming up for both of us. I was on anti-depressants for three years and I also completely lost my sex drive but I also lost my drive to do anything else, which is why I got off of them and now use (when I can and need to get back to) exercise to help me mentally. It turns out that my ex and I are good friends. We are closer now than we ever were while married to each other but I deeply respect those that really work hard to make their marriages work. I may not believe in marriage anymore for myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe that others can’t have a happy and healthy marriage and I think it’s great to hold onto someone who you believe is worth it. Another great post Trista!

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    1. I was married before (no kids thankfully) and we were best friends up until he got with a girl who was extremely jealous and so I let go of the friendship. Marriage takes balance. Both parties need to WANT to be there working at it. I know a lot of our problems this year have been me and just my mentality of “what the fuck am I doing with myself” because somewhere in my head being a mother isn’t enough for me. I had a career that I loved but I loved my babies more and had the chance to stay home and we both made that choice together. Since all 3 are in school this year, even if 2 are only there for a few hours, it had given me the chance to get a piece of me back starting with working out. I should have been working out a long time ago cause it truly is the key to my mentality feeling better. When I love myself I love those around me more as well.

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      1. That is very true. Working out helps me to release some of the stresses I feel sometimes. I am going through something similar with the careers stuff. With the loss of my last job I have felt a bit lost and that definitely plays a role in how I feel about myself which plays out in how I treat those around me. I also agree with both parties having to WANT to work on things. We both brought suppressed issues into the marriage but I was the only one willing to work myself and that took a major toll on the marriage.

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    1. I really felt like the anti depressants weren’t doing anything for me. The working out and eating right is helping and I think my hubby has really been trying to be more understanding of my situation. We don’t ask to be like this it just is what it is.

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  4. I like this post Trista because is a way to let it all out! This is cathartic for you and help you to point it out the problem. You both know what the issue is and you both want to fight to fix it and keep your family united. This is really important as you are willing to keep trying. The lack of intimacy it is also an issue for me. My girls are still very little so sometimes it is difficult to have some time alone with my husband but I really would like to have a weekend off of just the two of us and reconnect to each other again. We are and have always been best friends so our relationship is more than romantic which I think it is important so we understand each other a lot but that the romantic side is also very important too and I don’t want to loose it. I’m glad to hear that you are feeling stronger and that you are willing to make it work. I wish you all the best and I hope things get better soon. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I feel so happy to see you here! πŸ™‚ x

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  5. I can really relate to this post. sometimes relationships can be very testing and hard work. But the best things/people in life are worth fighting for. And so long as there is still love there you’re in with a fighting chance. Wishing you all the best and I really hope that things get better soon! xx #KCACOLS

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    1. Thank you…we are actually on a good steak right now…he had 4 days off and we had so much fun together alone and as a family. Relationships are like that but yes if worth fighting for then never give up. Thanks for popping over 😊

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  6. Hi Trista, such an honest and sensitive post to share with the world. Its great that you have though, as I am sure you and your husband are not alone in your situation. No marriage is without its challenges. It sounds tough at the moment, but its great that you are working through it together. #KCACOLS

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    1. Love is and always will be a strong bond. And as long as it still exists then so does a marriage worth fighting for. Things have been really good this week I am happy to report. Thanks for popping over and saying hello πŸ’ŒTrista

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  7. Thank you for sending me this post, I love the way you write and enjoy all your posts!!!
    You know what, I think women ( and some men ) over analyse marriage. Basically it’s hard labour, but as you say it’s the glue that keeps the family together for most. So one has a choice of either getting on with it or say; fuck it, and divorce.
    I hope you never reach that point because divorce can suck too.
    I have been married for 200 years and have on a few occasions reached very close
    to explosion and evaporation, but somehow things have worked out and we’re still at it.
    My advice is, believe in your path and destiny. Whatever has to happen, will happen. Enjoy the good times.
    Take care of yourself DomMom X NHD

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the wonderful comment NHD…during the trying times I just sit and ask myself if it’s so bad that it’s time to call it quits or does he still make me happier than he makes me mad? We are on an up right now and I’m cherishing every moment of it. I know me starting to care about myself again has a lot to do with it too. πŸ˜‰thanks again for taking the time to read and comment…you’re awesome!

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  8. It fucking hard ain’t it? we are currently sleeping in separate rooms for the last 6 months or so. More roommates with benefits than anything else. My thinking echoes your last point. As long as the good keeps outweighing the bad you keep going.

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    1. Sorry to hear that Jeremy. There’s times I feel like mine is a roommate as well. When I wrote this we were in a really bad place and actually talking of splitting up. I think the thing that keeps me going is I just don’t want my kids growing up in a broken home and then I also try to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t. Kids don’t make it any easier and if it ever got to the point that I hated being with him I’d have to end it. I hope you and your wife reconnect. Little time away maybe?

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  9. Oh my goodness, there is a war in my mind too…particularly when my hormones kick in. Our situations are actually extremely similar (except I only have 25% of the kids you do and frankly, that’s hard enough). My husband and I used to spend i night in 4 together as he worked away most of the time. I thought that was hard and felt sad at the time. I now PINE for those days. The days when it was exciting to see him come back, when I looked forward to seeing him. Now my heart sinks when I get home and he’s beaten me to it because I just want ‘2 minutes alone, PLEASE!’ But, like you, I’m working on it. My kid is not going to grow up in a ‘broken’ home. Our family will not split off into two houses. We won’t make her live with parents who are essentially flat mates. We will be a solid couple. It will take time but we will be. Thanks for sharing.

    I almost don’t want to add the hashtag bit because it may take away from my post, suggesting it isn’t genuine. It is. I’m putting the hashtag on this post because I know that’s the done thing at linky parties, but I will be back here of my own accord, posting hashtag free!

    So thank you for joining the #PasstheSauce party. I’d never have found your writing otherwise. See you soon!

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    1. Thank you so much for such a wonderful comment. I really wrote this post as honest as I possibly could without letting people I know in real life, who read my blog, know too much about my business. Marriage is a lot of work by both parties and communication is SO important. I also feel that you must both agree on the raising of the children. Thanks so much for finding me and I will have to pop over and check out your blog as well!

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  10. Reading this again on the #passthesauce linky and I am glad I did. I was married in my 20s and divorced before I turned 30. Despite the very obvious reasons why he and i didn’t make it to forever, it totally crushed my belief in happily ever after. Just when I had finally made peace with the idea that two people can be happy together and get through anything, this past year has decided to challenge my notions more than I ever imagined. I am glad I read this again, because yes, it does take work and this is a great reminder. I also adore the honesty in this post. #passthesauce

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    1. Thank you lovely. Relationships are hard and never guaranteed. If there is anything I have learned in life that is one of them as I have been married before and had many failed relationships. But the difference in this one is the children who are involved. I am not saying that one should stay because of kids but I think if it’s still worth fighting for then do it. So many people give up so easily. Not that there’s anything easy about splitting up but I have walked away from a relationship for no other reason other than I was bored. Thanks for popping over and reading again. And do remember that even though we have never met in person I consider you a friend and am here to vent to and lend a listening ear anytime.

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  11. Oh I really feel what you are saying. Marriage is beautiful but can be so damn tough when you just don’t get that time together – sometimes I just feel like the workhorse – washing, cooking, cleaning, kids repeat – and sometimes you just want to feel beautiful – a few lovely words can go a long way too – without an expectation – just words that are meant. When we have had date nights it makes a huge difference to closeness so keep those going for sure. Hormones – yuk – I’m a woman possessed – hate me at those times but someone recommended evening primrose oil to me once – unbelievable – if you haven’t taken it please try as I honestly am unaware of that dreaded time in the month – much to my husband and kids’ total delight #passthesauce

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    1. I will have to try that. My husband and I recently had a vacation together with no children and it was the best thing for us. We reconnected and remembered what made us fall in love in the first place. I know that there will be dips but for now I am just riding the wave. Thanks so much for popping over and saying hello.

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  12. When i saw your title, I was already nodding along. Marriage takes work, a lot of work. And the pressure of being parents also changes the marriage and you have to adapt if you want the marriage to survive. It takes more than love – you need understanding and patience too. Thanks for sharing this fab post with #PasstheSauce

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    1. I really thought that my marriage was coming to an end at the end of last year. We couldn’t agree on anything and I quite honestly stopped caring about his feelings because I felt like he had done the same to me. But somewhere in the midst of all of it we found “us” again. Maybe not 100%. But working at it everyday. Thanks for hostessing the fab #passthesauce!

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  13. Marriages go through ups and downs and a true marriage does take a lot of work some days. We all feel like smacking them round the face with an iron at some point, but as long as you can keep talking and finding that common ground then hopefully it will start to turn a corner. Living with 3 under 5s and husband who works a lot is going to take its toll – just try and be kind to each other x #passthesauce

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    1. There are some days that are better than others and there are some that are great. There are some that are awful too but honestly since having our little week away break together I have noticed a closer bond between us. It took that week of being just the two of us to remember what built this foundation in the first place. Thanks so much for popping over love!

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