marriage divorce relationships work

Throwback Thursday ~ Why Does Marriage Take A Lot Of Work

#marriage #work #relationships

I wrote this post about a year ago.  I made a few revisions and it’s my pick for Throwback Thursday.

My friend Rod over at Modern Dad Pages wrote a piece recently that got me to thinking and wanting to respond in my own way to his question of “Why Do We Say Marriage Is A Lot Of Work?”  He inspired me to want to write a blog post about it rather than leave a 600word essay message  in his comments.

Definition of work: Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. This is according to a google search.  It’s also the same definition in which Rod used.  Google is a popular place…no wonder their stock price is 660.06 a share and up $24 at this moment.  Oh wait I was talking about marriage here….

UPDATE: Google today is worth 779.51 a share.

What I gather of Rod’s “opinion” is that marriage doesn’t fall under this definition. So let’s break it down…

*Activity ~ That would be the marriage

*Involving Mental or physical effort ~ I don’t know about you but marriage makes me mental.  And I don’t mean this in a bad way…it doesn’t always make me want to stab my husband in the leg with a fork crazy all the time.  Mental is also happy, giddy, sad, aggravated, horny, ….etc.

As far as physical effort?  Hello what’s sex?  And I am sorry, I don’t care if you’ve been together 3 years or 30+ years…sex can sometimes be a physical effort.  Not to mention that when you’re finished, and you have done it right, you are breathing like you just got done running a 5k marathon with a toddler strapped to your back.  Exercising, by the definition standards of once again, google, is… activity requiring physical effort, carried out especially to sustain or improve health and fitness and a good sex life.  Yes I added the crossed out part.  Somehow, it just looks like it fits in that definition.

UPDATE: I need more physical activity lately.

Another form of physical effort…hugging, kissing, wrestling around playing, holding hands, smacking each other across the face ass…etc.  It’s all physical and it all takes some effort …. from each of the participants.

*In order to achieve a purpose or result ~ All of the above must be done to “achieve” a successful marriage and not “result” in divorce.

marriage divorce relationships work

Rod quoted:

“When I hear people talking about “marriage being a lot of work” it actually strikes a cord deep in me and I have to ask “why is marriage a lot of work, but when you hear people refer to a friend or best friend it flourishes”?

In my “opinion” I think all relationships need work by both parties.  A friendship only flourishes if both friends are making a mental and physical effort to be friends.  Caring about that friend, physically calling or texting that friend, thinking about that friend, having mental images about the times had with that friend.  If none of those are done…the friendship, as a result, dissolves.  And a lifetime friendship is not achieved.

Therefore, marriage and friendships are only successfully attained when both participants inspire towards mental and physical aspects, efforts, attempts, etc. …. all in a result to work together.

Rod also quoted:

You shouldn’t feel like you need to do things to keep them happy rather they should appreciate the small things you do for them. Marriage should be to your best friend and it should flourish rather than feel like “work”!

I agree that you should never feel obligated to make or keep someone happy.  Especially if there is no repercussion from the other person on efforts to make you happy.  But even the little things we do in our marriages and friendships, everyday, are mental and physical in order to achieve a long-lasting result.  If you completely ignore or fail to communicate with one another, there is nothing left to work on.

#marriage #work

For instance, if you go to work and there is nothing left to work on then you are let go(divorce) from said job(marriage).

UPDATE: It’s been a rough year on my own marriage.  We have talked circles about change but now realize that it’s time to either stick to “working” on those changes or both our relationship statuses are going to change.

In conclusion to Rod’s question…”my” answer is this:  marriage is a lot of work due to the fact that by NOT working on it…it won’t exist. It’s mental and physical effort to achieve a successful result.

I want to thank Rod for inspiring me to get my opinionated juices flowing.

What’s your opinion?

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52 comments

    1. Well we haven’t quite started yet. I have an appt with a therapist on Monday in which I am going to talk to her about counseling the both of us as well as he has agreed to go. We both know what we have is worth fighting for…and as long as we both feel that way then we keep fighting.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. No one ever said it would be easy. I have been in many relationships, friendships, even family relationships to know that statement is so true. This particular relationship has just been the most important in my life for we have kids involved. Before it was easy to walk away because there weren’t any children involved. Children change the entire dynamic. But I also believe that staying together for the children and being miserable is not the answer either. We shall see what the next year brings.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Completely agree with all of this. Marriage is just about the hardest thing I have ever done – twice over – and I’m still learning along the way. The most important thing is wanting it to work, I think when you stop trying, that’s when it all falls apart. #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post as always Trista. I completely agree. With any relationship you have to work at it. It’s just how it is. You don’t get something from nothing.
    I am sorry to hear things have been difficult for you lately but I wish you both all the best with working on it. I hope the therapy helps. x #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Those people who say that they have friendships that are so easy and they don’t talk for months/years and then just fall back into it… I don’t think they have the deep true relationship with those friends they think they do. Work, isn’t my favorite term to use when it comes to any relationship. But both people have to give some of their own energy to make a relationship work!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am young and not married but I have seen marriages breaking up so many times. You are so right that it’s not all pink and lovely like in a Hollywood movie! It’s bloody hard work. Grumpy Boyfriend drives me nuts sometimes and god knows that we have massive arguments. We are both very passionate… But when I calm down, I always realise how much I love him. It’s not his fault if he is a twat, he is a man!!! Chromosome X is the pb here… I hope you are ok and it will be working out for your and your hubby. I won’t give you any advice as I am no expert but I am thinking of you xxxxx #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Cécile 😘 I truly appreciate your kind words. I know that somehow we will conquer this rough patch. I blame myself a lot and the fact I haven’t properly dealt with my mental health (one reason I’m going to see a therapist to get properly diagnosed) and he has a hard time not understanding why I can’t just snap out of it because as you said … HE’S A MAN! We still have love and will to fight for it. Just going to be some hurdles to get over. Thanks again for thinking of me and for being a loyal linker 😘😘😘

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Good luck with the therapist on monday hun, if you both feel it’s worth fighting for then you are already half way there. Sending hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I couldn’t agree more with your post. Marriage is a lot of work. I found the first year to be the hardest however because we were both willing to flourish our relationship and friendship that we survived our first year of marriage. It is a lot of work because once you stop putting in the slightest effort then you will be heading to divorce. Most single people think that love is enough for a successful marriage when in fact love is essential but also you need to put in that “work” in your part to become a good spouse #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wrote another piece about marriage not working on auto pilot. That’s been my husband and I’s problem is we’ve been on auto pilot for awhile now and almost made a crash landing. Time will tell but right now the love and the will to fight for it are still there. Thanks for linking up 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I went to the therapist Monday who is now referring me to a psychiatrist. We will see if something is wrong with me first as I haven’t been feeling myself lately and then if I start to feel better and we are still having problems we have both agreed to marriage counseling.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. It is SO hard. With small kids at home and late shifts at work there is simply no time to even look at each other some days! It is so hard to communicate with someone that you are perpetually annoyed at. It isn’t even him a lot of the times. I am tired and bitchy, stressed and in mom mode.

    We also have different wasy of showing our love. I clean the house, make him dinner, take care of everything so that when he gets home he doesnt become overwhelmed with things to do. I even mow the damn lawn. He likes to cuddle- and by cuddle I mean he lays on me when I am annoyed. I.HATE.THE.CUDDLE. I just do.

    It is hard. It is all hard. Everything worth doing is a challenge they say…

    I wish you and your family the best, hope the therapy is a help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Luckily my hubby and I both hate to cuddle. It’s just never been our thing. Sure we will do it sometimes like a couple times a year when it’s cold but that’s it lol. And yes he gets upset that while he’s at work all day, alone, inside operating a heavy piece of equipment (basically playing with a Tonka truck) and I am here with the kids climbing all over me and siphoning every breath out of me that by the time he gets home the last thing I want is for him to even touch me! I just want to take a bath and go to bed. But I realize that sometimes I have to make an effort to realize that men NEED physical contact 😉 …a bottle of wine instead of a glass usually helps with that lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I can see what he was aiming for, but he’d dadgum better appreciate all those little things she does for him or things will not be so peachy forever! Men have no idea how many boxers we fold over a lifetime. I’m in your camp, work from both parties is an absolute necessity.
    Thanks again for hosting – no politics this week!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think sometimes we just forget to work on it as life drifts on by and suddenly you end up in a place but don’t know how you got there! Especially with babies/ kids around taking all the love and attention. My hubby works away a lot so the kids want him the second he walks through the door. It really is an effort to make time for us- it’s definitely ‘work’ that we have to do to keep our relationship going! But it is good work!! xx #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Yes, this makes complete sense to me. All relationships are work, but the work is not always hard. It just requires maintenance. If you neglect any relationship the repair is far harder than the maintenance. People talk about working on marriage as if it means you are failing but doesn’t everything in life demand work? Even the good things? #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I like reading posts like this. I’ve not been married long but I see relationships around me suffering because kids become the focus and partners don’t work on maintaining the relationship. I can see how easily that can happen over time now I have a baby so want to ensure that I make an effort with my husband every day because as you say ‘by not working on it, it won’t exist.’ I know I’m easily distracted with blogging/Instagram/being a mum so just paying attention to my husband and giving him time is something I’m conscious of. #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As women we are busy individuals in general. Throw kids and a husband in the mix and the entire dynamic changes. I really love my husband and I know that with a little help and working on each other as individuals we will work through this bump in the road. Thanks for linking and reading and commenting. Hope to see you again tomorrow :))

      Like

  12. Relationships become hard when one party makes it hard IMO, thus causing the other person to have to increase their efforts to do what they can to try and keep it functional. I think that if both people were to put aside their own selfishness and do what they would expect the other to do, things would be so much easier. #momsterlink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good analogy. I’m married to a narcissist so that’s never going to happen lol. Right now I’m just trying to fix me. If at some point I can do that and we then don’t work on us there will be no us. Thanks for always being a faithful linker Jeremy. Appreciate it 😉

      Like

  13. I have been married for eight years. There’s so many times we argued and I said ” thats it i’m gone!” He laughs because he know i’m not going anywhere. We live off each other drama. Lol! Marriage takes patience and admitting your not perfect either. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We’ve just been a rut lately due to the fact we both need to work on ourselves. It’s been a very busy, fun, but stressful summer taking 4 (once 6 ) on vacation. I think things will be better now that the kids are back in school and we can get more into a routine.

      Like

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