housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

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Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

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I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜³  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

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No One’s Perfect,

Domesticated Momster Signature

I’m linking this post with the following fab Linkys…

 

Rhyming with Wine

 

This Mum's Life

 

 

 

102 comments

    1. Oh the mis-aims!!! My husband is the worst about those! I’ve told him to try sitting instead…especially if he’s had a few drinks ugh! It’s like I think to myself “Do you even hold the damn thing and aim??!?!?!” And yes as long as the kids are alive, fed, clothed(even in 2 day old pajamas) that we have successfully done what we are best at…MOTHERHOOD! Fu*k the housewife title. πŸ™ŒπŸΌ

      Like

  1. You know back when my kids were born, I was a housewife (it wasn’t until my youngest was 15 that I went back to work, outside of the house) I tried to be that perfect housewife, and you know what? I think I could have technically been classified as insane because I felt like I drove myself insane. I was extremely grumpy and severely stressed trying to be that fantasy “stay at home mom” with the perfectly clean house, dinner on the table as he walks through the door, homemade snacks waiting for the kids, etc…

    Then one day I woke up and said F this crap! I realized that as long as the kids are happy (and husband) and we aren’t living in filth then that’s all that really matters. My stress level went WAY down after that lightbulb moment =)
    =) Bridget | http://nuttyhiker.com

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh Bridget you went above and beyond. I learned to let things go because 1. It wasn’t my life’s dream to do housework and have a “spotless” house with raising 5 kids and 2. The only ones who really ever see our house is the people who live here…and they don’t seem to care, well except my husband when the kids messes get out of control. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

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      1. I hear ya! I never imagined myself as a housewife. I wanted to be in the CIA (seriously since I was a kid up until the day I got pregnant). I did, however, while on housewife status, earn 2 college degrees. Oddly enough I don’t use either degree in my field of work (journalism) lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was a cosmetologist and had a very successful business before I decided to become a full time SAHM. I now am trying to make the decision if I want to continue back to that (I live in a very small town now where as before I lived in a huge city) or if I want to change professions. I have thought about going back to school and I have also thought about just taking the easy way and doing a short course to get a certificate in either insurance or medical coding. I don’t want my kids to have to sacrifice anything because of my selfishness of wanting to return to work. We survive fine on my husband’s salary. Guess we will see what the future brings. Thanks so much for linking up with #momsterslink.

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  2. My wife and teen are both total slobs and neither have realized that our central vac has been broken for two months now. Shows how much they use it. Reading this post, all I could think was, oh shit, I think that I might be a fucking housewife.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. If you asked anyone who came to my house they would tell you I’m lying because usually my house is clean but there are some days that the kids tear it up…my teenager slacks on his chores, and I just don’t have the energy to bitch or do it myself. So by the next day of shenanigans in looks like a bomb went off. It happened to be one of those days the day I wrote this. Plus when my hubs is on nights it’s hard to clean during the day because it’s noisy. I get my best cleaning done when no one is home. But hey if you’ve become a house husband I salute you! I’ve seen my husband clean MAYBE 5 times(and that’s pushing it) in the 8 years we’ve been together.

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  3. MY OH MY! Husbands have too high of standards. Sex every other day, lunches made, clean clothes, clean house, no mold in the fridge, blah blah blah. Like hey did you die?? No! The kids aren’t dead either. We are doing awesome then.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m just ready to do something besides housework. When I was single and had no kids I worked so much that I had a maid because on my 1 or sometimes 2 days off I wasn’t going to spend it cleaning. I spent it hungover usually lol.

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  4. This post made me giggle! My husband moaned about how I ironed his collars – I now refuse to do his ironing! He also moaned about the amount of butter I put on his bread – I now refuse to make his pack up! Haha when will they learn!!

    #FartGlitter

    Liked by 2 people

    1. He likes to use it against me too. Like if I start complaining about our teenager not doing his chores right. But I have given up arguing about it…I still make him do them, I just go behind him after he’s done and do them again so it’s like a double clean :)) Thanks for popping over and taking the time to read and comment.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Sarah. It’s something that some days I am able to turn my cheek at and others when I say enough is enough and I start cleaning and organizing as I go. I have thought about starting a ritual this fall, now that the kids are back in school, to organize something everyday. Even if it’s just one drawer. The weather will be cooling off here soon and I could probably make some good money from selling some of the stuff I barely use. Thanks for popping over to read and comment.

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  5. I am so in love with this post. Yes to all of the above. I used to be so fixated on housework that I would clean top to bottom on a strict rota, regardless of whether it needed it or not. Now I’m just a bit more “meh”. I blame the blog! I get 10 mins to myself and have such great intentions and then social media happens… Thanks for linking with #fartglitter x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for hostessing Dawn. I will be over shortly to do my commenting as I linked up just before bedtime last night. Today was start of school in my household and I didn’t like the sound of that alarm at 6am I must say. I have gotten quite spoiled this summer with the kids sleeping until 9 or 10.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks lovely! Always love to have you link up. Sorry it’s taken me a few days to reply. Last week of school hols here and sole custody of #fartglitter. It’s been an experience haha. Hope you get your lie in back over the weekend xx

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You couldn’t have said a more truthful statement. It’s like he just doesn’t get sometimes that I am utterly exhausted and that tiny little people have been climbing, tugging, and needing me all day and by the time I get them in bed and he’s pretty much played with Tonka trucks all day…the last thing I want is for someone else to be all over me.

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  6. haha I love your list of managed affairs, including not stabbing husband. I would be a rubbish housewife. Cleaning? Over-rated! My 9 month old already has his pinny on to do chores…(joke just encase anyone thinks I’m serious) πŸ™‚ Thanks for hosting and good to be back! #momsterslink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I did start around two with little things like picking up toys and they used to love to help me “try” to fold the towels. Now that they are all bigger they all have some kind of chore to do. It might not be everyday but they do have them. I mean who wants to do chores every single day? Not me.

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  7. Oh Trista! You are doing such a good job!!! I think we put ourselves under so much pressure and our expectations are so high we constantly feel a sense of underachieving. But are doing GREAT!! And you are so damn talented. You are an awesome writer! You always make me laugh and I was nodding my head to most of this too! Thank you for hosting and sharing another amazing post. #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love to use a lot of sarcasm in my posts and if it gets a giggle out of my reader then that is a plus too! I do agreed that we as mothers/wives/women put way too many pressures on ourselves. Thanks for linking up doll!

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  8. I really enjoyed this! I would be a truly terrible housewife and make everyone very miserable – hats off to you. There certainly is a lot of pressure coming from ourselves when it comes to all this domestic stuff, but it doesn’t help with the constructive criticism from the other half. #makeyourownfuckingsandwiches
    x Alice
    #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My sentiments exactly! My husband doesn’t usually complain unless we get into a fight about something else and then it’s the first line of defense he likes to use. He’s at work today and instead of cleaning I am sitting here trying to catch up on commenting and social media while the house looks like a tornado came through it. Oh well it will be there tomorrow.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. You can absolutely give chores to a 2 year old. You don’t even have to pay them because they will want to do them! The problem is that, sadly, it will take you twice as long to fix them afterwards. I let mine help me paint a wall once…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh. You are brave. Paining in this house is only at the kitchen table in which I use to cover in wrapping paper but it still managed to get paint on it. Then I just decided to let them paint with no cover and bought a table cloth to cover the stained table when we aren’t doing crafts. My husband wants to get a new table I told him there will be no new furniture bought in this house until they are at least 10.

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  10. Laughing out loud with my favourite poison in my hand. I quit my job more than a decade ago when my youngest was still in nappies and have resolutely refused to use the word housewife to describe myself even if that is what I actually am. It sticks in my throat but is without doubt the hardest job in the world because as I scream to my husband every weekend it is monotonous and there is never any differentiation across the days of the week and the weekend. If you manage all those household affairs you deserve a medal. Well done. #momsterslink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think we all do. Everyone thinks staying home with kids and running a household is easy. Well quite frankly I would rather go back to work. Sure I have my lazy days that I don’t accomplish much but keeping the kids alive but the majority of the time I am busy doing something. And it’s not TV.

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    1. I am not sure who is the worst. The kids, the dog or the hubs!!! None of them clean up after themselves. And then they all look around and say (except the dog of course) “look at this mess!” Ugh! Thanks so much for linking up!

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  11. I never wanted to be a housewife before I had my daughter, but when I left work to become one a few months ago, I planned to be the best housewife in the world because I hadn’t clicked that it was actually hard work! On top of that, there’s always something better I can be doing (like making the most of my life!). I know I’m not going to get to 70 and regret not spending more time ironing! As long as everyone is healthy and has at least some clean clothes to wear, I’m happy enough! #momsterslink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s so funny you should say as long as they have clothes to wear because this morning I woke up feeling like crap after being out of town for the Labor Day holiday and I went to check their closets to make sure they all had something to wear for school tomorrow lol. This mom life is no joke! Thanks for linking up!

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    1. When I am mad at my husband which is most of the time lately, I just refuse to make sure the house is clean and he has dinner when he gets off work. He thinks because he makes a paycheck that somehow I am not contributing over here. So then I like to show him what happens when I actually don’t do a damn thing. Thanks for linking up!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have no idea πŸ˜„ But I can’t complain really. He knows I hate housework and he not harassing me to do more. Like the house has to be really messy for him to talk to me LOL.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mine only complains if we get into a major argument about something totally different and then uses it against me thinking that it somehow is suppose to make me feel bad. It used to but now I just regress and let the kids make more messes lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh how you have nailed it again. My Mrs., the SAHM, i joke with her that she is imported — definitely not domestic. I do the lions share of the laundry and since my drawers are the only ones in the house that are not a disaster, I only fold my clothes. Being two women, there are no gender rules or laws to abide to. Oh how i daydream of a houseboy to handle things… but no. Most days our apartment looks as though it has been flipped by the feds. And we are all happy and alive. We do scream when walking barefooted on lego pieces though… Brilliant as always! #momsterlink #Fartglitter

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I seriously have to dodge Legos in my carpet regularly. I also vacuum them up regularly and then they constantly wonder where they went. And those damn things are expensive so I only buy them once a year at Christmas usually. I have a to do list this week a mile long and woke up this morning with the dreaded sickies. All 3 of my littles have it too. Gotta love the first week of school germs…ugh! I have often wondered if being a lesbian would be any better as there are times I get so sick of my husband’s “man” role. But with my luck I would end up with some controlling woman who would drive me to a drunken stooper. Thanks for linking up lady and popping over from fartglitter.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh! So sorry you are all sick. I’m dreading school cooties! We start tomorrow.
        Yes, we have no roles… Just all in it together. It is very refreshing. I’ll have to fill you in on my background one day. Always happy to link up. #fartglitter and chicken soup for you! 😘✨

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I haven’t had an appetite but have been drinking lots of fluids and making sure to keep hydrated. I actually did get up earlier and do a bit of cleaning at the speed of a sloth but hey at least I can say I got out of bed today. Thankfully because the kids don’t feel good either they have just wanted to play Xbox and watch Netflix.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I am soooo with you on this, I am a rubbish housewife. I don’t even have kids at home to blame for the mess (the husband doesnt count as a kid right?) I simply have better things to be doing with my time than to make the house spotless when no one apart from hubby me and the cats see it.
    I am better at the wifey part, luckily hubby learnt the rule ‘appreciate the way I do it, or do it yourself’ very early on.
    #momsterlink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My husband hasn’t learned that when he is a little nicer I am better with the “wifey” part. He bought me flowers the other day but I know for a fact it wasn’t his idea because he had my daughter, who the day before had been at the store with me and wanted to buy me flowers and I told her that’s daddy’s job but he’s been slacking” so I am sure that message was delivered the next day on a trip to the store with him. Oh well guess I shouldn’t complain…I did get flowers. Thanks for linking up!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. OMG yes!!! Love this – on occasion, I ‘manage’ to get someone else to do the cleaning/ ironing (love my mum!!) but now that I’ve got three of the the little darlings she doesn’t come around as much anymore. Can’t think why?!?? πŸ˜‰ #momsterlink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We live far from any family and even when my mom does come to visit I just feel like letting her relax. I have really gotten to the point that the only time I really care about the house is when it seriously starts to get out of control and I know that even the base needs a good cleaning.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I don’t make my husband’s lunch either! You know why? Because he is a grown man who can do it himself. I already make dinner for everyone. Job done. We both do laundry. He used to only put his away, but we shut that down real quick.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahahaha when people ask me why I don’t make his lunch that’s exactly what I say too…he’s a grown ass man. He rarely cooks and when he does it’s throwing meat on the grill and me doing all the sides. There are some days I just feed the kids and tell him to make himself whatever it is he wants. I realize he works but believe me, I would like to go to work too. Working was so much easier than staying home.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. This is me entirely! I am a terrible housewife and yet I tell myself that I cant be both a fabulous mother AND housewife, so one has to suffer!! I’d love to have a cleaner…and a chef…..and a personal assistant for that matter, but in reality we have none and our house is as chaotic as ever!! I’m glad I’m not the only one! #momsterslink

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    1. It’s Labor Day weekend over here in the US and we went out of town but got back last night. I had all these great intentions to get up, go to the gym, then come home and get a good deep housecleaning with the help of my teenager who is out of school today along with the littles. But then I woke up sick…along with all 3 littles. So needless to say I am now laying in my bed and trying to catch up on blogging. The mess will still be there tomorrow :))

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  17. This post made me laugh so much! I have to openly admit that I never use an iron either – I only use it when one of the boys is wearing a shirt lol I am terrible in the house, don’t get me wrong it’s clean and there’s no food behind the couch but it is never tidy (I lie, It’s tidy at night time when i’ve tidied before going bed and the boys are asleep! But I am also a university student so I can get away with that right? #momsterslink

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    1. I am very sarcastic as if you were to ask any one of my friends if my house is clean they would say “yes”. Sure there are days (like today) that it’s a disaster because we went out of town for the weekend and so I didn’t have a chance to tidy up before we left but at some point today this house will be cleaned and everything put away. I woke up way earlier than I expected to and am a little under the weather so it’s a slow process.

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  18. hahaha such a fun read. I also never pictured myself to be a housewife, I did well the first year but here came the baby and now I live by the same points you wrote, I managed somehow with everything.. We are all alive and most of the time not hungry. Thanks for another very relatable post #momsterslink

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My husband just doesn’t seem to understand that my job is not “housewife”. I had a career and made good money, supported myself, and then agreed to be the one to stay home while he went to work. I will return to work someday…hopefully within the next year and I have already told him that I will not be the only one trying to maintain the entire household. Thanks for linking up!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know what you mean sometimes our husbands can be like that, they forget that we also want more in life than being a housewife… i’ve been at home for almost 2 years and it is already driving me insane. Thanks for hosting the linky and i’m so glad i came a cross your blog, really relatable and honest πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  19. This is excellent. I find myself using business speak when explaining to Mr Wawa why the house is a tip and there’s no food in the fridge (except for corn on the cob and ingredients to make cheese on toast). I have a PRIORITY LIST. I explain. NUMBER ONE – keeping our son alive. That’s it. Everything else is a nice-to-have. Going forwards, we can review my organisational capacities provided the business can supply me with a temp.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate doing housework anyways…I mean who does right? I have been cleaning since the ripe ol age of 5. And as a teenager my mother had a chore list that was two notebook pages long with in depth detail of how she expected everything to be done. Maybe that is why I have regressed in my older age and decided as long as it gets a good cleaning a couple times a month then I am satisfied and who cares about what anyone else thinks. And yeah…kids alive is first and foremost!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That is a very early to have started cleaning. Totally understand where you’re coming from. I was lucky and my mum didn’t expect me to join in with any cleaning but I hated watching her come home from work to do lots of chores. I hated knowing she’s be up late at night ironing and washing dishes and I hated her spending afternoons she was at home mopping and hoovering. I wanted her to play with me! Time spent with our kids is so much more important.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have 3 littles and so usually they are good about playing with each other. But I do have one that doesn’t go to all day school yet so I usually do try to get some play time in with her after I pick her up. Yesterday she wasn’t feeling good so she ended up falling asleep which I then used the time to get some stuff done.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Oh I just love your quotes and GIFs!! They totally made me laugh and smile a lot!! I’m another one in agreement here!! I also wasn’t sure if I even wanted children, and definitely didn’t want to be a housewife, but here I am…! I think I’m the most impressed that you didn’t own an iron for so long! Amazing! I never use ours, but I had one, just on the off chance, but to not own one is a fabulous statement! When my eldest was born, I bent over backwards trying to keep up standards, and it was just soooo draining. I gave up when the littlest was born, and the house will have to wait until everyone is at school!!!!
    So much love for this post!
    #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks doll. I used to iron my clothes all the time in high school..to the point it was just craziness so I think once I got older I just decided it wasn’t as important …not to mention dryers these days really do work wonders with a steam fresh button :)) Thanks for reading, commenting, and of course hostessing. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I will have days that I am go, go, go let’s clean the entire house from top to bottom and then there are days that I just look at the mess and think to myself “why bother?”…I need a t-shirt that says “My house is a mess because I would rather be blogging”. lol Thanks for popping over and reading and commenting.

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  21. This was a great read πŸ˜‚ I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels like she’s failing. I recently put my nursing career on hold to stay home with my three kids/newborn and let’s just say….I think I was much better at nursing 😳

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had worked since I was 14 and motherhood has been my toughest thing yet. It has it’s rewards though and I can someday say that I survived and raised all my kids from the time they popped out of me. It’s a huge accomplishment. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment and know that you are never alone!

      Liked by 1 person

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