speeding quote humor funny

The Drive Home

The other day I was telling someone this story and I decided that I must share with all you  readers the funny, but not so funny story about a certain drive home I had one time.

My husband used to work out-of-town, in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie little town called Ely, NV.  Look it up on the map.  It’s literally a town of 4,000 people as said by Wikipedia in 2015.  I have no clue where they get that number from because when I used to visit my husband there it literally felt like a ghost town.  They must be counting people’s pets as part of the population.

Sometimes, I would get the crazy notion to pile 3 babies in diapers, two young teenage boys, and our German Shepard Roxy in our then minivan, and make the five-hour trip up to see my husband.

Without Xanax or wine.

This one trip in particular was quite a memorable one.

We had made the trip up there just fine.  The afternoon that we left we decided to grab some food.  Now I am not sure if it was the food or we all, at the same time, got some kind of nausea bug.

First it hit one of the babies and so I pulled off the road to change the horrific ghastly sickening smell which was invading one of my babies diapers in the backseat.  I mean literally it smelled like someone had crapped on the dashboard right in front of me.

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Now of course there are no garbage cans on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, and I wasn’t about to be an ignorant fool and just throw the diaper into the desert, so I found a bag and placed the diaper in there.  And placed the bag back into the minivan.

Followed by several more, by all 3 babies, at all different times, throughout the day.

Then the bug hit me.  Like a bullet train.  And this 5 hour trip had already gone passed 5 hours and we still had over an hour to home.

No I didn’t shit my pants but there were a few times I thought I was going to have to pull over and throw-up, and the smell of all them grisly diapers sitting in a bag, somewhere in the minivan, and my dog’s stinky hot breath breathing on me, weren’t helping matters.

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Oh and did I happen to mention that it was like 120*F outside and so there was no rolling down the windows.  And have you ever changed a diaper that smells like something died 2 weeks ago in it, on the side of the road, in 120*F weather?  And could someone please tell me why minivans don’t come equipped with pop up changing tables?

To add to the driving nightmare we  ended up behind a line of traffic.  Now granted, they were all doing the speed limit but for me, that just wasn’t fast enough because I just wanted to GET HOME.

speeding images funny humor

So when it was safe, I decide to pass the 3 or 4 cars, driving at the speed limit, in front of me.  And of course I wanted to do this quickly so I think I was doing about 120 100 by the time I finally got around them.  Yes minivans can go that fast.

I was just passing them.  Of course I don’t do 100 mph on a regular basis with all my kids in the car.

And up ahead what should I see just as I am getting back over into my lane… not 1 but 2 COPS!

This just wasn’t my fucking day.

speeding quote humor funny

As they passed me and I looked in my side mirror I saw them turn around and so I just pulled over.  Why continue to carry on acting as if you weren’t doing anything wrong and just waste more time.  Time I didn’t have.

And then I watched as all the other cars that I had passed, driving past me, eyeing me, and probably thinking to themselves…”ha ha you dumb bitch, that’s what you get for speeding”.

Because that’s exactly what I think when I see some asshole, whose speeding past me, and then having the delight of seeing them being pulled over up ahead.

The cops approach the car and while standing at my window, I roll it down.  There is no way that they couldn’t have gotten a whiff of what was lurking from the inside of my minivan.  I am actually quite surprised that they didn’t ask to see if I had a dead body in the back.

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Let’s just say they clocked my speed at about 60mph over the speed limit

They took one look inside, asked me for my license and registration, and then asked me where I was coming from and where I was headed.

I answered them in the nice way, but what I really wanted to do was tell them something smart ass like “Oh I am just out on a Sunday stroll with my 5 kids, the panting dog, and oh THIS BAG FULL OF SHITTY DIAPERS!”

And then puke on their shoes.

They must have known it had been a rough ride for me because they kindly gave me a warning to slow down, handed me back my license and registration, and let me go.

I was shocked.

We finally made it home safe and sound but I am quite certain that the smell of that bag full of shitty diapers was still lingering in that minivan when we traded it in.

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I am linking this post with the following linkys…

 

Domesticated Momster

 

 

Mummuddlingthrough

Published by

DomesticatedMomster

I am a mother of 5, a wife to 1, and a fully certified domesticated momster who likes to blog about motherhood, marriage, and anything else that pops into my crazy head all with a side of sarcasm and a glass of wine.

61 thoughts on “The Drive Home”

  1. Here on the east coast I see the speed limit signs as merely suggestions. I’ve had some harrowing adventures. One night I’m coming up I-95 northbound doing about 85MPH and I see lights coming up on me really fast. Then I see it’s a State Police cruiser. Fuck! He just went around and passed me, doing in a rough estimate 100PMH or more. No lights or siren either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I thought for sure they were going to ticket me or possibly take me to jail since I am quite certain I was doubling the speed limit on a two lane highway. But either the smell or the look of dread must have been my lucky day. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have tears rolling down my face!!! This happened to me with three daycare babies under 2 in the car and we barely made it home alive- it was only a 2 hour drive. I applaud you for making it so far instead of checking into a motel and waiting for death.

    Why aren’t there changing tables in vans and SUVs?!?!?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They should let a mother design a mini van. I have so many ideas it’s unreal. I now have an SUV but no more diaper changing for me thank goodness. Now it’s just messy kids who throw whatever they have their hands on onto the floor or shove french fries in the seat cushions. #momlife

      Liked by 2 people

  3. You have got to patent that pop up table idea.
    My kids did the vomiting/diarrhea thing on an 8 hour plane trip once. Me in the bathroom with one vomiting, the other tied into a seat screaming, the smell… The other people in the plane are probably still talking about that as the worst flight they ever took.
    Thanks for hosting another fabulous linky!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am always going faster than the speed limit. While I don’t drive over 90 (I usually only drive about 80 on the highway), I just can’t do the speed limit. I just can’t! LOL! That was an awful day for you and then to get pulled over by the cops! That would have been my luck too! Thanks for hosting #momsterlink Trista!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Firstly, I have to say it is great to be back after my blogging break (My book is completed and out). And secondly, you have lost none of your blogging style in the time I have been away. Great post as usual. Made me laugh and put all of my journeys from hell into perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congrats on the book!!! I had been wondering where you had been. Good to have you back and thank you so much for the awesome comment. I took a bit of a break here and there…usually try not to blog on the weekends and spend time with the family. Just always depends. I am always a couple weeks behind in my commenting though but I will get to reading, commenting, and sharing your post. Thanks for linking and hope you will link again this week.

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  6. Can you laugh about it yet? That was one helluva day! You had me right there with your description too – thanks for that! I used to do crazy things like that when my kids were young though. Things that other mums wouldn’t attempt…because they had that sensible part of their brain in tact that just said: nooooo! Good for you for just going for it 🙂 (Sorry it backfired on that occasion!) Alison x momsterslink (hashtag key is fucked)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was a horrible day but yes I can laugh about it now since I have none left in diapers. I think every mom has a crazy diaper story. Just part of the mom life. Thanks so much for linking. I am way behind in my commenting as my school and sports schedule I am still trying to get used to.

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  7. Pingback: Friday Five
  8. I think you should sell your idea about the pop up changing table to mini-van makers. You could be a zillionaire. Add a diaper changer smell reducer (I thankfully forget what those shit buckets were called) and your are as good as golden. Sorry for the stinky ride, but it is good to know that a horrid emission of scent from you littles saved you from a mighty fine! #momsterlink ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes the diaper genies. I had like 4 of those suckers around the house and they do really work. I have so many ideas for mini van makers that their heads would probably spin. They really should let a mom design them. Thanks for linking up and as usually my apologies for delays in commenting. Haven’t been able to blog at all the past week.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my darling!! I hope you had a big ole bottle of wine after that- once your stomach was in a better mood!! I had a fairly similar day last Thursday and you have inspired me to blog it, so I will try my hand at successfully linkying up. Stay tuned… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh gosh I’m so sorry but I laughed out loud! Someone fudged their huggies, hilarious!! We’ve had the same happen but in this country there’s rarely any need for air con so we’ve opened the windows. This just confirmed what I already knew though, car journeys with the kids are pretty horrific! Thanks for hosting #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it seems like every time we go on a big road trip someone throws up or has to poop in the middle of nowhere. But we still go lol. Thanks for linking up and as usual I am so behind. I haven’t had any time for blogging this week.

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  11. Oh Trista this is frickin hilarious…I hate to laugh at your misfortune, but it’s a cracker of a story. I always know the really good blog posts because I have to relay them to the hubby who asks why I’m laughing out loud 😉
    Love it when you come hang at #coolmumclub! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We still do big road trips and this summer I am proud to say that no one got sick. I have so many stories about being in the car with sick kids that perhaps I should write a series lol. Thanks for linking up and I apologize for being so far behind. I have had such little time for blogging lately.

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  12. Hahaha that has really made me laugh- and before 7am!!
    How funyy – well, not at all funny for you but quite amusing to picture the scene as you wind the window down and the smell of The Shit Bag hits the cops. hehe., brilliant.
    Love this post, what a corker.
    big love, L
    xxx
    #momsterslink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s fun to write about it now in a funny sense but at the time I just wanted to die. I never did order food from that place again. Took me a long time to even want that kind of food after that. Thanks for linking up and I apologize for my being so far behind…I haven’t any time this past week for blogging.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Well this past Saturday I was driving a BMW X1 (What can I say, I’m a fan of German aka Bavarian engineering) and I was on I-95 at 110MPH. Backed off on the speed just in time to see an unmarked state police car. Yeah, even the unmarked cars stick out.

    But I’ll tell you why – drive any American, Japanese or Korean vehicle and around 80MPH it’ll start to shimmy, even new vehicles. Get in a Volkswagen (Wolfsburgh) or BMW (Bavaria, Munich) and they’re engineered for the Autobahn where segments have no speed limits per se but a strict keep right rule. The BMW X1 was stable at 110MPH. As I said, give me engineers that are German.

    Liked by 1 person

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