humor toilet paper hanging from pants

5 Planes, A Sh*tty Hotel, And A Rental Car

After my recent trip to Missouri, I have a lot of appreciation for those who have to travel for a living.  Especially after 5 planes, a shitty hotel, a rental car, and 17 hours of trying to get home.

My trip started out great.  **places sarcasm in her voice**   I got to the airport and had to pee use the restroom.  Totally normal since it was a two-hour drive to get to the airport and I was running on nothing but coffee and energy drinks that morning.

I came out of the bathroom when this nice little old lady comes walking up to me to inform me I have paper…that would be the toilet seat paper…hanging out the backside of my pants.  I should have known right then and there that the trip was going to be equivalent to that one incident.

humor toilet paper hanging from pants

Since I wasn’t checking a bag…yes I was going away for 3 whole days and managed to only pack a carry on…then I had plenty of time to kill at the airport.  I got some food…a few snacks for the plane ride…charged my phone…and finally started boarding.

Four hours later I landed in Dallas, TX and had a 2 hour layover until my next flight….COCKTAILS!  Except every place in the Dallas airport that was close to my gate was packed.  Seemed that everyone had the same idea I did.  I settled on a Chilis and luckily had a waitress who was on the ball and brought me my margaritas order right away.

Time to board the second plane to St. Louis.

Now the first plane had plenty of overhead cabin space and my carry on fit in there perfectly.  But this flight the plane was much smaller and the overhead bins were smaller as well.  So I placed my carry on up there and then as I was trying to close the bin to make sure it fit I hit a gentlemen in the head with the corner of the bin door.  Luckily he must have had a few margaritas as well and laughed with me about the incident.

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2 more hours and a 2 hour time difference it’s now 8:30pm St. Louis time and I land safe and sound.  Off to the rental car counter I head.

NO ONE IS THERE.  As a matter of fact the entire airport was like a ghost town and it was only 8:30!!!  Living in Nevada I am very spoiled about things being open ALL. THE. TIME.

After talking to several airport personnel I am informed that I must take a shuttle to another location to get a rental car.

LOVELY.

It’s dark, I am alone, in a city that I have never been to before, and the lovely shuttle took about 20 minutes to finally pick me up.  The lady at the rental car agency was half asleep, handed me my paperwork and told me to take whatever car I wanted in the first two isles.

I took the first car I came to.  A black Hyundai Veloster with less than 1oo miles on it.  It was sporty and cute…in the dark.  In the light it was very compact and I was glad all I had was my purse and a carry-on.  And it took 2 days before I realized it was a 3 door car instead of a two door.

rental car hyundai veloster black

All I have to say is THANK GOODNESS for my dear friend Siri because without her I would have had no clue as to where I was going and I had an over two-hour drive ahead of me to get to Ft. Leonard Wood where my hotel was.

I decided to stop at a convenience store that was still open to grab a few snacks just in case that where I was going wasn’t going to have anything open.

I get to my hotel and am actually quite pleased that the area doesn’t scare me.

The lady at the front desk checks me in but then proceeds to tell me that I am to set my clock an hour ahead.  Now I am tired…it’s been a long day…but I knew it wasn’t time to forward the clocks.  But hey I am in Missouri and again I am tired and I think to myself **well maybe things here are different**  After confirming that the lady at the front desk was off her rocker I settle into my room.

Upon my entrance I am quite pleased to see that the room has a full kitchen.  I am talking full-sized fridge, a stove, a microwave, and lots of cupboard space that was totally useless but impressive.

As I do with every hotel I immediately took the bedspread off the bed.  There’s a 20/20 episode  (go ahead and click on it…I bet you will think twice about every hotel you stay at) that did tests on hotel bedspreads and I just happened to make the mistake of watching it and ever since then it’s the first thing I do when I get into a hotel room.  REMOVE THE BEDSPREAD.

And then I laid on the bed.

OMFG!

It was like laying on a dog bed in a pile of rocks.  NO JOKE.  The absolute WORST mattress I have ever slept on.  I woke up every morning with the worst back pain I have experienced in years.

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The two days I got to spend with my son were great except for the fact that everything in Missouri closes for the winter season except for shopping and restaurants.  Therefore we spent most of our time shopping, eating and driving like crazy along the countryside on the crazy winding roads.

So now it’s the morning I have to leave.  I had to wake at 3:30am (that’s 1:30am my time) to make sure that I get the rental car back and to the airport on time.  One five-hour energy and an energy drink for the drive and I was off.  I made the over two-hour trip to and from my hotel in the dark.  I will never know what that part of the country looked like but according to my son, I wasn’t missing much.

I got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  The line for security was a little long.

While I was in Missouri I found a blow up Jack Skellington Halloween decoration on clearance for $2o.  I had forgotten at the moment while purchasing him that I had traveled with only a carry on.  So the night before I had packed my carry on perfectly so that everything would fit.

Jack Skellington inflatable halloween decoration
He was worth every penny and all of the headache to get him home…just look at him.

After going through security…they unpacked my bag and I didn’t have time to re-pack it after the security lady just shoved everything in there and was barely able to get it closed.

When I got to the gate, the gentleman at the counter made me put it in the carry on measure compartment, and I literally had to shove it in there but thankfully he let me board with it.  I also had to shove it into the overhead bin hoping that I wasn’t ruining my son’s Army pictures that he had given me.  And luckily this time there was no one that succumbed to being my victim of head bashing.

I got settled in my seat and realized that this plane had been the best one so far.  It had television and games located on a screen that was attached to the back of the seat in front of me.  You just had to have your own headphones.  Long gone are the days you have to purchase them on the plane.

Even after a 5 hr energy and 2 energy drinks I plopped up my $20 neck pillow, which I had purchased in the airport, found a music station I liked, placed my headphones in my ears, and quickly fell asleep.  It was going to be an over 4 hour flight to LA even though I just needed to get to Reno.  Therefore I was going to be flying right over Reno and into LA.

I slept on and off for a little over two hours because let’s face it, sleeping on planes is not comfortable what. so. ever.

I decided to see what I could find on the movies section of my entertainment device.  And settled back for the remainder of my flight.

About 20 minutes before landing I realized I needed to use the restroom but I was in the window seat and the gentleman next to me was fast asleep and I didn’t want to disturb him so I told myself that I could just hold it until we landed.

BIG MISTAKE.

We landed on time and I had an hour and 20 minutes until my next flight.  Plenty of time right?  Well let me just tell you what a cluster fuck the LAX airport is.  They had no gate for us to pull up to so we sat on the tarmac for an hour!  They told us we had to remain seated in our seats…but I HAD TO PEE and now it was to the point that there was no holding it!

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The friendly flight attendant **another sound of sarcasm in my voice** came over to ask me what I needed.  I told him I was pretty much going to piss my pants if he didn’t let me out of my seat.  He gave me a slightly irritated look and replied, “well if you must go then go”.

Thanks dickhead…I had only been holding it for almost 2 hours now.  So here I am, in the restroom closet cabin and the plane is starting to move.  I kid you not…I peed for 10 minutes straight swaying back and forth with the movement of the plane.

They finally got us to a gate and off the plane we all shuffled.  I had 10 minutes to get to my next gate which was on the other side of the airport via shuttle.  For those of you who have never had to experience the true torture hell ordeal of having to travel via LAX well let me assure you that I will avoid it at all costs in the future.

I was literally sprinting while carrying my purse and carry on.  Dodging the airport indoor people movers who I swear go faster than they should.  And if you don’t move out of their way when they beep the horn, I do believe they would just run over you.

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Finally arriving to my gate, huffing, puffing and feeling like my heart was going to explode I was told that they hadn’t even started boarding yet even though my not so up to date app said the flight was on time.

I literally visioned myself hitting the counter people in the head with my carry on.  But I realize it’s not their fault and took a seat.

At this point I am thirsty and hungry, which is quickly turning into hangry.  And I don’t dare leave the area in fear I will miss boarding.  I did not want to miss my flight to Reno…it was my second to the last stretch to home.

After about 20 minutes we finally board.

And we sit.

In a plane without a single empty seat…and no air on.

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After about 30 minutes they inform us that the plane is inoperable and we have to get off this plane and wait to board another one.

At this point, my nerves are spent.  But there’s no one to get mad at because they are just doing their job and quite frankly I didn’t want to be on a plane that could possibly crash.

Of course there were several passengers who didn’t feel like keeping quiet and decided to make a huge scene which wasn’t helping the matter of getting us re-boarded quickly and on our way.

About another hour passes and finally they have found us a plane!  We all shuffle like a herd of cattle to board not caring who is supposed to board first according to groups on their boarding passes.

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And do you think they would give us a complimentary drink or anything for our troubles?  NOPE!  We got nothing except an apology.  But at this point, I didn’t really care…I just wanted to get to Reno, and get on the road for the last 2 hour stretch of drive to home.

After a 17 hour day of traveling the only thing I did when I got home was took a shower, put my pajamas on, and went to bed.  And slept for 12 hours.  And was so thankful that when I woke, it was Saturday and there was no school run, nowhere to go, and nothing to do but sit in a vegetative state in front of the tv.

And that’s exactly what I did.

domesticated momster signature

2 comments

  1. Wow! That must be a crazy travel. I have never been on a plane for more than 7 hours but I already dislike the sore bum without walking much. Anyway, it is over and glad you arrived safely at home.

    Like

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