WHAT’S FOR LUNCH?
I am plagued with this question daily. I am also plagued with what’s for dinner but that can be a whole other blog in itself. Today was a rather rough challenge for this topic as I have been putting off grocery shopping all week. I loathe grocery shopping with every part of my being. The “preparing” to go which usually consists of gathering up any coupons I can use which now that I live in such a rural area is very limited. I used to be the coupon queen and was proud of all the savings I endured for a family of seven and still managed to feed us more then top ramen and ho ho’s. There is also just the mental preparation of knowing I have to go out and endure the crowds of people who fill up our local Wal-Mart…I don’t particularly like Wal-Mart and pretty much avoided it all together when we lived in southern Nevada but here there are just certain items that are much cheaper at Wal-Mart…like milk, which this family of 7 easily plows through a gallon a day easily. It’s almost 2 dollars cheaper per gallon at Wal-mart. The one thing I DO NOT do is go anywhere near a Wal-Mart on the first of the month…no way…no how. Not only is it horribly overcrowded but some of the “welfare” recipients shouldn’t be getting welfare at all. Once again a whole other blog topic for me.
When I actually get to the grocery store…now mind you I am lucky in that I do not have to take my 3 toddlers grocery shopping with me. I tried that once and let me just tell you I needed a xanax and a shot of whiskey by the time we got home. I either plan it while my husband is off work or I go once the teenagers are home from school. I count my lucky stars for that. What I don’t understand are the ENTIRE families…mom, dad, and all the kids that make the trip to Wal-Mart. Like it isn’t crowded enough between all the people and the stuff that Wal-Mart likes to stuff in the middle of the isles but now let’s add to it by loading up every family member and having a daily outing at good ol Wolly World…It’s not an amusement park people.
Now we get to checking out. The check out people are always so grumpy. I know it must suck working for a company that pretty much pisses on it’s employees, but hey that’s not my fault…take it up with the CEO. Also you could just try being thankful that you have a job because there are so many people that do not. And when I say hello to you saying hello back is the polite thing to say…not grunt and proceed to throw my groceries around with an attitude. Now this attitude doesn’t apply when I shop at our local Raley’s or Khoury’s supermarket…those employees are always smiling and very helpful…hence just another reason I would avoid Wal-Mart all together if I were single.
Once done with checking out…oh and I forgot to mention that by the time I get to check out my cart is usually so full that I have stuff hanging from the sides and I am pushing it slower then the 80 year old lady next to me. I do not understand why those carts can’t accommodate more items. Now it’s getting all the checked out items back into one cart and out to the van without losing a gallon of milk crashing to the ground and busting open. Yes that has happened to me with both milk and soda. And not only did the soda bust open but cans went rolling everywhere. Talk about embarrassing and frustrating all rolled into one little bundle of “WHAT THE ACTUAL F*#K?”
So I shove everything in the back of the van and off I go on the last stretch of my grocery shopping extravaganza. Once I get home I honk the horn and pull into the garage and wait for all my helpers to come out and start unloading the food filled bags. Of course they all peek to see if I have bought any “good” stuff which they should just know by now that I don’t. Well maybe on rare occasions. And rare I mean like holidays. Then it takes all of us working in unison to get all the stuff put away. And once again the fridge and pantries are full and it’s time for dinner….let’s order pizza.
I have somewhat a phobia of nail shavings. Which is quite ironic since I have worked in the nail business for the last 20 plus years. I have dug toe jam that could be dated back to the 1960’s out of peoples toes. I have seen heels with cracks in them that could put the grand canyon to shame. I have seen nail fungus, mold, and various other nail diseases. I have dealt with a lot of “gross” stuff but the one thing that gets me is nail shavings (well and hair that isn’t attached to the head really grosses me out too I remember the days I used to have to clean my own hair out of the shower drain…I would literally gag and almost throw up…thank goodness the drains now days in new homes are loose hair accommodating).
Well my husband, along with most of the general population, thinks it’s a good idea to cut his toenails in various odd places. One time even in our bed which I had a total mental melt down over and even posted it to my Facebook page in which he then reported me for spam and I couldn’t access my Facebook for 24 hours…so NOT funny. Then he decided it’s a good idea to cut them over MY tub…my clawfoot tub that I had to fight with the builder and the plumber over to even get put into the house! As I walked in on him doing such act I had a sudden vision of me getting into the tub and settling in like I do only to have one of those hard suckers stab me in my ass!!! “I will wash them down the drain” he says…yeah ok cause I am going to trust that. In case you missed it I just did a serious eye roll here.
So the other day I am in the shower and I go to reach for my razor and sitting on the same shelf as said razor sits ….drum roll please…a toenail clipper! With toenail shavings sticking out from it! At first I gasped…but then it dawned on me that he was at least trying not to flip me out. I have asked him to cut them outside but I guess cutting your toenails when it is only 40 degrees outside was not an option. Instead I just mentioned to him that he needs to make sure to remove the clippings from the clippers before setting in on the shelf next to my razor. And by the way I totally forgot to shave that day because I was so overwhelmed with the clippings that I forgot what I was doing….hope he likes my hairy legs tonight.
I am on my third child to be potty trained and may I also add to that the fact that I have been changing diapers for 5 years straight…yes you read that right 5 years and 3 toddlers later I am finally seeing the light at the end of the large trail of diapers. I have seen explosive, poop up the back and down the leg diapers. I have seen diapers so soaked that they have then soiled through to the bottom half of clothing in a matter of literally a one hour car ride. I have dealt with diaper rashes, 3 boxes of 3 different sized diapers, many trips to Costco and the late night emergency runs to the local drug store because one of the 3 over sized boxes had some how mysteriously ran out without anyone noticing. I have changed diapers in the mini van (which could someone please tell me why they have not come up with a pop up changing table in mini vans?) in 115 degree weather bent over and sweating like I have just run a 5K. I have even changed a diaper while my child had to lay on the ground because there was nothing for me to lay her on due to the fact that we were at an amusement park at closing time.
This is me in so said amusement park during operating family bathroom hours. Yes my husband and I might have been a bit crazy to take 3 babies in diapers to an amusement park but what the hell? Our teenage sons had fun. And luckily for them they were racing around trying to get every possible last ride in while my husband and I were sitting at our last buffet styled extravaganza hoping to just put an end to a very crazy day that we had already had….but wait….our adventures weren’t quite over because my (one year old at the time) had just decided to crap while sitting in a high chair “luckily” at a table outside. And when I say crap I don’t mean JUST a shitty diaper…we are talking the kind of shit that makes any person within a 100 foot radius run for the hills…IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!! Had she of possibly made a noise while she was taking said crap I might have been able to catch it before it was too late but nope it wasn’t until the over powering smell finally made contact to my nose that I knew what was happening and by then it was just too late. As I looked at my husband in utter disbelief I kept hoping that maybe it was just a really bad case of gas…but then…I reached over…pulled the shirt up and the diaper back…only I didn’t even get to the diaper part because the shit had literally traveled EVERYWHERE!!! It was even layered upon the high chair. The first thought that came to mind was “WHERE IS THE NEAREST HOSE”!!! Now let’s rewind to the fact that she had already soiled through every piece of clothing that we had packed in her diaper bag that morning therefore there was nothing left but diapers. And then came the fact that we had to use every wipey left in the bag. Now we were down to scavenging for every last napkin left on any table within our reach…then it was frantically looking for ANYTHING that could possibly clean this catastrophic shit up!!! We couldn’t lay her on the table because I was so afraid of the table not being sanitized before the next day of families ate there therefore the ground on that little tiny piece of changing cloth that they put in diaper bags (why is that?) was our only option. After trying to sanitize the high chair with hand sanitizer and napkins we gathered up our belongings and raced out of their as fast as we could carry ourselves, 3 babies, and all of our gear. The boys of course somehow caught up with us just in time of it all being over.
The best thing I can say about that day and that moment is that my husband and I came together and worked as a team and later laughed about it like crazy. And still to this day it is a story that will live on in this family for years to come…sorry my dear Mazel.