National Snowman Burning Day

Yep, you read that right folks…today is National Snowman Burning Day and I for one am SICK of winter.  Granted, in the following video, the woman doesn’t set the Snowman on fire but she clearly gets her point across.  I have watched this video at least a dozen times and laugh my ass off each and every time.

Because I for one can TOTALLY relate.

It seems like we have had snowfall upon snowfall since November.  And as much as I love the fact that so many water holes that had been empty are now full,  I am ready to put my swimsuit on and get in them, fish in them, boat on them, and camp by them,  rather than just look at them on the news or from the highway.

I am ready to soak up some vitamin D in which my body has been lacking the entire winter and I do believe has turned me into a psychopath an albino like zombie.  **sprays the self tanner on her skin**

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Now there have been a few days of this month that the weather has played with our heads.  It’s even gotten up to 70*F, even if it was for only one day.  But then the very next day it will be 32*F and snowing outside.

I don’t know whether to get the summer clothes out or just keep buying new winter clothes because my kids are all growing out of the stuff they have had since school started.  **thinks of just setting fire to anything that has to do with winter in hopes that it will bring some spring juju**

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And then there is that dreadful W word…no not winter…the other one.  W-I-N-D.  You wake up to see that the sun is peaking through the blinds and you jump out of bed to look outside only to find that your patio furniture is now upside down in a pile against the fence because the wind is blowing 60mph.

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And who wants to go out in that?

You can’t even fly a kite because the force of the wind will whip it right out of your hands.  Forget about doing your hair…even a messy bun can’t survive the brunt of those gail force winds.  The dust blows in your eyes, down your throat, and even into places you didn’t know dust could get into while being fully dressed.

Then there’s the dreaded “couped up indoors with the kids” syndrome.  You’ve pulled crafts off Pinterest, played 100 too many games of Sorry, and even done the unthinkable … MADE THEM CLEAN!

Motherhood mommy dearest winter
There actually isn’t any snow left in our yard right now so there won’t be any celebration of National Snowman Burning Day around here, but perhaps I could find a leftover stuffed one in the clearance isle at our local Wal-Mart and tell the kids we are trying out a new ritual to try and welcome spring.

National Burning Snowman Day humor
Burn you damn snowman…I want spring!
Cheers To Spring,

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Tips That Men Can Impress Their Ladies With On National Boyfriend’s Day

I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures. 聽I am however here to perhaps help those of you morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub聽or hold聽those male crown jewels.

In this day and age if you want to get sex something 聽you need to give woo something. 聽Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazypsycho grumpymom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.

National Boyfriend's Day

Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA. 聽How lucky for them. 聽And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.

Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies. 聽In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.

*A note taped to the mirror. 聽It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note. 聽You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.

*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady. 聽It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway. 聽But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some. 聽If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!

*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it. 聽Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym. 聽Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.

*Give a compliment. 聽Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”. 聽It’s at least a compliment. 聽Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments. 聽 We just like to feel appreciated. 聽Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.

*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time. 聽Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES. 聽And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper. 聽Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason? 聽The world would end. 聽 So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead. 聽Say something funny. 聽 Kiss her favorite spot. 聽Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.

National Boyfriend's Day Tips

*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice. 聽If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go. 聽Or do something out of the ordinary. 聽And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame. 聽Lame. Lame. Lame. 聽You don’t deserve a woman.

*Give her some time to herself. 聽Draw her a bubble bath. 聽Pour her a glass of her favorite poison. 聽Put on some of her favorite music. 聽Light some candles. 聽THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM! 聽Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing. 聽And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit. 聽Check to see if she needs a refill. 聽Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned. 聽Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed. 聽And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.

*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to. 聽There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to. 聽Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.

Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures. 聽It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA. 聽We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch. 聽You think we choose to be this way? 聽You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy? 聽The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.

National Boyfriend's Day

And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either. 聽There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you. 聽But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back. 聽Complaining about it does nothing. 聽Action does.

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National More Herbs Less Salt Day

In the past I have written quite a few articles about the benefits of herbs. 聽You can read about them here聽… here聽…and here.

It just so happens that today is also the day that I have decided to get back on track once again. 聽For some reason I am just never very good at sticking to my weight loss goals during the summer months. 聽But I am happy to say that this summer, due to all the activity it has brought, 聽I have managed to only gain back 10 of the 28 pounds that I lost at the beginning of the year.

I keep falling off the horse but the important part is that I keep dusting myself off and getting back on. 聽And on and on and on….

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I have missed Zumba tremendously! 聽And probably would have stuck with it had the room, in which it is performed, didn’t get to be 100*F by May. 聽 I prefer to have a cold enviroment to work out in which is why on most 32*F mornings you will catch me out walking the neighborhood.

So as it being National More Herbs Less Salt Day, what a better day to start my health and fitness goals up again. 聽I said that 2016 was going to be my year and I still have 4 months to go. 聽I know that I can do this.

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I have got the FitBit all charged up and ready and as soon as I drop the kids off for their first day of school this mama is off to the gym. 聽Now I will do good all week with my eating habits and no alcohol but come the weekend, we are attending a Red Sox baseball game where yes I will be indulging in clam chowder served in a sourdough bread bowl and consuming large amounts of beer. 聽And that will be my last hoorah with alcohol for 30 days.

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Yeah I wish I looked this good as a hot mess

I am going to find a 30 day cleanse and stick to it. 聽This will include a lot of smoothies with a lot of herbs in them. 聽I was just in the garden last night picking fresh spinach and basil. 聽Basil grows like a weed in case anyone is interested. 聽I cleaned out my garden beds at the beginning of spring. 聽Broke up all the soil. 聽And even put some new soil in there and the basil from last year…CAME BACK!

Here’s to getting on a health kick once again….(to be continued)

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National Dog Day

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Today is National Dog Day. 聽Yep that’s right…a national day dedicated to the extended family furry canine hound mongrel dog聽friend we call a pet.

We have a wonderful German Shepard named Roxy. 聽And when I say she is wonderful that is probably an understatement for she endures pure torture from my 4-year-old DAILY!National Dog Day Roxy German Shepard Just last week my said 4-year-old dressed the poor dog up in this contraption. 聽I am baffled where she found a matching pair of socks as I can’t find a matching pair to save my life!

Roxy was given to us by my dad because he had 3 dogs and 2 of them (one being Roxy) wouldn’t get along. 聽I was glad it was Roxy he was willing to give up, because I wouldn’t have taken the other dog. 聽She was dumber than a box of rocks and I swear must have been a pig dressed in a dog uniform. 聽She ate more than my 5 kids put together.

Roxy was originally a pound puppy who apparently came from a family who fell on hard times and couldn’t keep her. 聽But for me, she has been the best dog I have ever had…and I have had a lot of dogs.

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She loves my kids like a second mother. 聽She sleeps with them, lies on them, and if they’re outside in the yard, so is she. 聽Like she is watching over them to make sure they are safe. 聽It can be 100*F out there and she will lay her ass somewhere and wait until they come inside.

Now granted, even though the 4-year-old loves to torment poor Roxy she is also always sneaking her little hand in the treat bag and let’s just say that Roxy is never in a lack of 10-15 treats a day. 聽And if anyone forgets to give her a treat well she will stare at you for whatever length of time it takes, until you finally pay attention to her neediness.

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“Are you going to give me my treat or am I just going to have to sit here batting my eyes at you for hours???”

She also loves to claw get your attention with her paw. 聽This will usually end up resulting in a scar where ever she has decided to do this. 聽If you are playing and run…you better run fast because her and her vicious claws paws will come in contact with whatever bare skin you have exposed. 聽Fuck the teeth…look out for my dog’s nails!

I have thought of painting them a time or 12.

Most days she can be found sleeping on the couch or any varations of beds in the house. 聽She has a dog pillow which my kids use more of as a pillow than she does. 聽I think I have seen her laying on it maybe twice in the 5 years we have had her. 聽And if you are in her spot on the couch she will lay on top of you until you either move or she farts and makes you move.

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Yeah, we usually blame it on Frank around here too! 馃槀馃槀馃槀

So if you have a dog then remember to make sure to give him or her that extra attention today for today is their day…National Dog Day.

Could I get A National Fucking Momster Day over here???

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National Couples Appreciation Month

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating

April is National Couples Appreciation Month. 聽So if you haven’t let your other half know how much you want to kill them appreciate them in awhile…then sometime this month is your chance.

My husband and I have been together since November of 2008, after meeting on the internet.聽聽It didn’t take us long to become inseparable. 聽The fact that he could make me laugh ALL THE TIME is what attracted me to him the most. 聽He’s not bad to look at either. 聽*wink wink* 聽I mean who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who was brave enough to show off “the goat” after about a week of dating.

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating love

Now I am sure you are wondering what “the goat” is right? 聽And I even tried to find an image of it on the internet with no success. 聽Basically it has to do with a man being naked and then tucking his balls between his legs and mooning you. 聽I was tempted to have my husband demonstrate his lovely talent but I don’t want to scare anyone. 聽But if you are laughing right now, then you have obviously painted a picture in your head and we are good!

Moving on….

We have been through a lot of ups and downs throughout the years, just like any relationship. 聽But I can honestly say that the ups still outweigh the downs tremendously. 聽We are both stubborn as hell which doesn’t help when we find some ridiculous thing to argue about like who’s better at driving or who takes longer to get ready for a date night. 聽But through it all I have come to realize that no matter what…he’s the one person in this world who has and always will have my back. 聽Who has seen me at my worst and still managed not to run for the hills to keep on loving me.

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating

I know I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate him. 聽I think we both just get busy with daily life sometimes and forget that this life we have built starts with the strong foundation we created…us. 聽We both work hard to provide love and stability for our family.

We recently had the pleasure of spending an entire week together, on vacation, with no kids. 聽The best part about the vacation was that I realized the foundation is still here…even with all the cracks and all the wear and tear it’s still just as strong, if not stronger, than the first day we met. 聽Or should I say, since the first day he showed me “the goat”?

Have you appreciated your other half lately?

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Steak And BJ Day 2016

 

Steak And BJ Day March 14 humor

It’s that time of year again so I thought I would share an oldie with a few little updates.

What is this you speak of?  You mean that time of year has come again already?  Seems like just yesterday you…my dear husband…were muttering those same words to me.

steak and BJ day March 14 humor

Seriously who thought of this idea?  Obviously someone with a penis and a lack of iron.

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I guess next year I will have to try to remember to put it on my calendar…”hey siri…please remind me that March 14, 2017 is steak and BJ day and that I need to plan a-head….literally”.  Buy wait…I don’t need reminding for I have you my dear husband who starts talking about it months before.

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This post has been getting a serious amount of hits the last week but pretty much daily it gets looked at.  Below is just today’s stats and it’s only 8:44am in the US right now

Steak And BJ Day March 14 humor stats domesticated momster

Oh…by the way…March 15th is chocolate cake and massage day for women!  So make sure you put that one on your calendars guys!!!  And don’t mutter the phrase “That’s Valentine’s Day”.  I for one don’t care about Valentine’s Day dear husband.

They even have their very own Facebook Page.

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~National Curmudgeons Day~

National Curmudgeon Day grumpy crabby

I had to actually look up what curmudgeon meant.

Noun:聽a bad-tempered or surly person.
synonyms: grumbler 路 complainer 路 moaner 路 curmudgeon 路 grump 路
sourpuss 路 whiner 路 sorehead 路 crab

And today is dedicated to all of us curmudgeons!

Now one of my goals this year is not to be so grumpy and let me tell you…it’s been a difficult task to keep to. 聽Let’s face it…motherhood, marriage, cutting out junk food, no wine, aches from working out, and the dead of winter can make anyone waspish cantankerous bearish crotchety snappy grumpy from time to time.

Crotchety…now there’s a word. 聽I think I will find out where that word originated from. 聽**looks up origin of crochety**

“Best Answer: The main word to consider here is crotchet. Dating to Middle English, crotchet was used in various related senses to refer to a hook or hook-like instrument. A main figurative sense, recorded since the late sixteenth century, was ‘an odd fancy or whimsical notion; a trivial idea contrary to common opinion’. Example: “The duke had crotchets in him. He would be drunk too; that let me inform you” (Shakespeare, Measure for Measure).

The adjective crotchety, then, means ‘characterized by crotchets; given to odd notions, whims, grouchiness, etc.’.

The thing that needs explaining here is the connection between ‘hook’ and ‘odd fancy; whim’, something that has never been satisfactorily explained. The most likely candidate is that crochet ‘hook’ is used in a sense like ‘twisted’, with the same connotations as that term now has. Another related term having the same semantic pattern is crank ‘an eccentric person; a peculiar whim’, from the main sense ‘bent part of a shaft’. The word bent itself is another, though later, example.”

The adjective crotchety is first found in the early nineteenth century.
Source(s):
http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=19990128

How boring…moving on…

National Curmudgeon Day grumpy bad mood

Some say that the day is to be celebrated by never leaving the house. 聽Those people obviously don’t have kids and errands to run. 聽Of course there were days when my little monsters were babies that I wouldn’t leave the house shower for days. 聽Thank goodness those days are long gone. 聽I am sure my armpits are happy too.

Here’s a list of things that caused me to be a curmudgeon this week.

*The guy who insisted on taking up the treadmill right next to me when there were 8 others to choose from.

*My kids taking 20 minutes to wake up and get out of bed which then made me late getting ready and I left the house without brushing my hair or my teeth!

*My menstrual cycle which was two weeks late and the $10 I spent on a pregnancy test because my period is NEVER late. 聽My husband is snipped but I have heard stories of women still getting pregnant.

*Denver Broncos haters and all their shit talking.

*My kids writing what resembles hieroglyphics on the side of my dirty SUV…it’s like having an entire bumper sticker that screams “HEY LOOK AT MY MOMMOBILE!”. 聽I relate when I see other vehicles with the same types of scribbles.

*My husband griping about how many trips I make to the grocery store. 聽Look dude, we run out of things almost daily and I would just rather do several little trips than one big trip…I am tired of people staring at me with my overflowing cart at the grocery store like I am some kind of alien from the land of kidstune. 聽Not to mention I loathe loading onto the belt, loading into the cart, loading into the truck, unloading bags from truck to inside the house, and then putting all that shit away! 聽I’d seriously rather scrape my teeth on the pavement.

National Curmudgeon Day grumpy bad mood

*Our so called new and improved, supposed to be faster, internet that still buffers when I am trying to get my workout on via YouTube. 聽Nothing like getting all warmed up and sweating only to suddenly have to stop for 10 minutes while it buffers. 聽By the time it comes back on I have moved onto the couch聽onto other things.

*I cheated on my healthy track and felt it today at Zumba class. 聽Just goes to prove that what you put in your body totally effects how you feel. 聽I had to really push myself and I am feeling a bit curmudgeon.

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