I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures. I am however here to perhaps help those of you
morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub or hold those male crown jewels.
In this day and age if you want to get
sex something you need to give woo something. Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazy psycho grumpy mom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.
Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA. How lucky for them. And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.
Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies. In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.
*A note taped to the mirror. It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note. You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.
*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady. It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway. But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some. If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!
*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it. Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym. Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.
*Give a compliment. Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”. It’s at least a compliment. Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments. We just like to feel appreciated. Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.
*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time. Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES. And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper. Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason? The world would end. So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead. Say something funny. Kiss her favorite spot. Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.
*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice. If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go. Or do something out of the ordinary. And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame. Lame. Lame. Lame. You don’t deserve a woman.
*Give her some time to herself. Draw her a bubble bath. Pour her a glass of her favorite poison. Put on some of her favorite music. Light some candles. THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM! Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing. And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit. Check to see if she needs a refill. Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned. Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed. And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.
*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to. There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to. Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.
Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures. It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA. We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch. You think we choose to be this way? You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy? The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.
And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either. There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you. But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back. Complaining about it does nothing. Action does.
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