How I Became A Mother

definition of a mother

I was always the girl who liked to fly by the seat of my pants.   A free spirit.  And I loved having no responsibilities to anyone other then myself.

When I was 24 I met someone that I thought could maybe change the way I saw myself.  We got married.  Now I wasn’t sure that I ever wanted to be a mother.  I mean the world was and still is a mess and the thought of bringing a little person into that just didn’t sound like the best idea in my 20’s so I told myself, and that man I called my husband, that I wanted to wait to have kids until I was in my 30’s.  He didn’t like this idea because he had wanted to be a dad since the birth of his nephew a few years prior.  We both agreed that there would be no birth control and that whatever happened, happened.

We went on with our lives and everything was fine until just before I was going to turn 30.  He started pressing me about wanting to try and start having kids.  Obviously he didn’t understand me when I said 30s…plural form.  But he had been patient so I decided to give expanding our little family a try.  We tried for months with no success what so ever.  So finally we decided to see a specialist about the subject.

We started with the easiest test…him, in a room, with a cup and some “reading” material.  Like so easy…men always have it easy.  Well his tests came back with super high numbers…like the highest sperm count that the specialist had ever seen!  Great so now I knew it was something wrong with me.  I had wished myself right into now not being able to have a baby even if I wanted to.

They poked and prodded me.  Drew more blood then I thought I even had in my body.  And of course there is no escaping “the speculum”(duhm duhm duhm music here). The shuddersome tool which is always a few degrees below freezing that the doctor uses to sweep the opening of the vagina with.

mother motherhood pap smears(looks like this)

To me it looks like a mechanical duck beak.  Wouldn’t you agree?  Oh but let’s not forget that before this cold, harsh instrument is propelled into the vagina, we women must place our feet in stir-ups with everything to be exposed to the doctor and nurse standing there staring at your hoo ha while you just ramble on about your shopping trip that day.  Well this is how I used to feel but once I had children I realized a pap test is a walk in the park.  Because in a hospital your privates are now on display for everyone within a 100 foot radius to see.  But it’s ok cause by this time you have started feeling the good drugs and could care less what’s hanging out.

The doctors checked my hormone levels and the levels of whatever else needed to be checked.  They had me follow my menstrual cycle and buy ovulation kits to see when I was ovulating.  What a pain that was to pee in a cup for days after my period and then if I was ovulating it was like having sex under pressure.  I felt degraded and unable to fill what was suppose to come as the natural task of being a woman.

All the tests finally came back and off to the specialist we went so they could go over the results with us in the office.  Because for some reason they feel that being in the comfort of your own home and hearing them over the phone just doesn’t seem plausible.  What the fuck do they know?  In there findings they discovered that I didn’t ovulate accurately and sometimes not at all.  So in order to help this situation I would need to take fertility drugs.  If I ever wanted to conceive at all then these drugs would need to be considered. Not only considered but an absolute.

Now me being the believer of “if it’s meant to be it will be” was ok with not taking the drugs.  However the man I called my husband was not.  He was very upset that I was against giving nature a boost.  Remember when there were skits going around about “Here’s your sign”?  Well that was how I felt…that how I had felt all along had been right and now here was my sign staring me in the face.  Needless to say our marriage ended because of the choice I made not to take fertility drugs.  I mean the horror stories I had heard of multiples.  And sure you can choose how many embryos you want to keep and which ones you want to discard but for myself that just wasn’t possible.  What if I ended up throwing my genius away?  Or the embryo that was going to change the world?  I didn’t want to be faced with those decisions nor did I want to raise six babies all born at the same time.  So I opted out.  I opted out of my marriage as well cause I was tired of all the weight being endured on my shoulders.  His parents, my parents, brothers, sisters…enough was enough!  It was my decision and I was sticking to it.

So now here I was at 30 years old, starting over, a new life, single and no kids.  There aren’t many of us out there kidless at that age.  Seemed like every potential date I had, had a string of baggage that came along with.  I didn’t want someone else’s baggage …I didn’t even want my own let alone someone else’s.

So in walks the bass guitarist.

You know the type…he’s 30 with no clue as to what life is other then making music…music that will never be played on the radio or pay him a dime.  Then he convinced me to join the band.  Me, with the stage fright of a skittish cat that had been dumped from a second story window and left to die.  I hated being the center of attention.  And eventually this relationship ended.  But did I mention that we never used birth control?  I decided fuck it, I was told that I couldn’t conceive unless I took the drugs.  So to me that translated as a freedom of sex with my partner that I trusted.  But one day I woke up and realized that him nor this band life wasn’t anything I wanted anymore. And off to the airport I took him.

motherhood relationships love kids mother parenting

So now I am 35, without a man, no children, no nothing but me, myself, and I.  Of course I had friends to hang out with but they all had “family” lives to live.  And many nights I pondered whether or not I was in the right place in my life.  Had I made a wrong turn somewhere?  It was Thanksgiving 2008.  I came home to a dark, quiet, and empty house all by myself.  I cried myself to sleep that night after consuming every drop of alcohol in the house.  It was seriously some sort of “hit bottom” for me.  Or maybe a wake up call to my life…ring ring…answer the call you dumb bitch…this isn’t the life you were meant to be living.  But I just felt that I had tried and failed…failed miserably and maybe I was just better off becoming the cat lady…although I am more of a dog person.

I enjoyed dating.  No strings. No one to take care of.  See each other a couple times a week…sometimes more then one person, but that was no one’s business but my own.  And I liked that.  I felt like that was how I could live for the rest of my life.  But the reality was coming home to an empty house, alone, and sometimes afraid was not how I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

Well I think it is true what they say that love has a way of finding you when you aren’t looking for it, because in walked the man that would change not only the chapter of my book of life but my entire book!  Now I have to admit that when I first laid my eyes on him I was a bit intimidated by him.  I had given up hope that men like him existed.  Attractive, good job, owned his own home, cool style of clothes, and just an all around nice guy.  The only flag that was raised was that he had a son…a son that he had sole custody of and for me this was a new experience.  I had to tread lightly.

dating motherhood wife mother

Now mind you on our first date I had told him that I was not looking to get married(been there done that have the divorce decree) and I had pretty much come to an age in my life that children did not look to appear in my future.  Boy was I ever wrong.  We were almost instantly inseparable.  I knew I had a keeper.  He was everything that I had searched for my entire life and eventually I fell in love with him.  When I say eventually it sounds like a long time but the truth is it was only a couple months.

After a few months of dating I asked him if he had ever wanted more kids.  He told me that he had never really put much thought into it.  He had his son at a young age and there was an entire story behind that whole ordeal.  But he said that at the time his son was born he wasn’t ready to be a father and felt like he never really had the chance since him and the mother were estranged.  So after a few conversations such as this one we decided we wanted to have a child together.  Now this scared me because of what I was told before and the fact that I hadn’t been on birth control since I was 24 and had never gotten pregnant.  He knew my history but we went into it with the mind set that if it was meant to be it will be and if not it’s nothing to be upset over.  The first month we tried…I  got pregnant.

motherhood mother parenting

I remember the night I took the test like it was yesterday.  He was convinced that I was pregnant so much so that he went to the store to get the pregnancy test.  I told him that it was going to be a waste of money and that like so many times before I was going to pee on the stick and my period would start the next day.  So I took the package which contained one test and went into the bathroom to pee on the stick.  I set the stick on the floor while I finished up in the bathroom and when I reached down to retrieve it there were two lines.  The second one was faint but it was there.  I could barely get my pants pulled up fast enough to yell to him.  He came upstairs with a huge grin on his face like he knew he was right.  I of course thought the test was wrong and told him we had to go get more tests.  I peed on probably 10 sticks over the next couple of days and all of them were positive.

The confirmation for me was my first doctor appt, the ultrasound and….the heartbeat.  It was like nothing I had ever heard before and suddenly this feeling of joy, fear, and relief all came over me.  Joy for the obvious reason, fear that I was going to be a horrible mother, and relief that all along I had thought I was broken and now this confirmed that I wasn’t.  And the next 9 months were spent in a whirlwind of bliss.  And when baby B was born he made me realize that this kind of love only existed between a mother and a child.  My life had never felt more fulfilled then at that very moment.

Now I grew up pretty much an only child and even though baby B had an older brother there was a 10 year difference between the two of them.  Therefore we decided that we would try for another and that we wanted them to be close in age.  Baby B was born in January and in late summer that year we decided to try for another.  Now mind you I thought that baby B was just a miracle… that now would come the time that it was going to be harder to conceive.  But yet again my past had fooled me and on our first month of trying we were pregnant again.

motherhood mother kids parenting toddlers

Once baby M was born we new that our family was complete.  During the time we had also taken responsibility for an older boy that wasn’t ours but my husband had pretty much cared for him his whole life.  I told you I picked a keeper.  Therefore four children was enough for us.  My husband decided that he would get a vasectomy and scheduled the appointment shortly after baby M was born.

During this time my husband was working out of town and only coming home once or twice a month.  One afternoon while at a girlfriends house we some how got on the subject about menstrual cycles.  It had been a couple months since I had baby M and I hadn’t gotten one yet.  Which wasn’t really a surprise to me since I was nursing and even with baby B it took awhile for my body to get back to “normal”.  It wasn’t until a little time later, while at the grocery store, that a thought came to mind.  It was like a wave.  And the next thing I knew I found myself standing in front of the pregnancy tests.

My husband had been home at the time and when I told him what had happened at the grocery store he looked at me kind of confused.  So once again I peed on the stick.  Now in the past the two lines popped up almost immediately.  But this time only the first line came up.  My husband proceeded to walk away.  But for some reason I couldn’t take my eyes off the stick in which I held between my fingers.  And then there it was…the second line.  I couldn’t believe my eyes!  This was my third pregnancy in three years!  Yes let me repeat that…I had a baby in 2010, 2011, and 2012.  And baby M and baby Z, both girls, are 11 months apart.

pregnancy motherhood mother kids parenting

We were getting ready to go on vacation when we found out.  My emotions were everywhere.  How was I going to do this?  I don’t think I could even enjoy the vacation due to the fact that I was pondering over every thought of having another baby.   Upon returning from our vacation my husband kept his scheduled appointment for his vasectomy and after it was done I had a brief sigh of relief knowing that this would be our last child.  The doctor had no objections once my husband informed him I was pregnant and we already had 4 children.

motherhood pregnancy mother parenting

Baby Z was born on my 39th birthday.  She was perfect.  And somehow everything that I had worried about just some how worked out like it always does.  I am the oldest and she is the youngest and everyone else in our “anything but small” family came in between.  I look at her now at the age of three and realize that a force bigger then me knew she belonged here.  I wish I could visit that doctor from so long ago who told me that I would have to take fertility drugs if I ever wanted to even think about being a mother.  Just to prove that sometimes fate has the upper hand even when you think you have it all planned out.

The One And Only Momster,

Domesticated Momster Signature

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

#GirlsWithBigBoobProblems

When I was younger I absolutely hated having big boobs.  I would wear overly huge tops and try everything I possibly could to make them “appear” smaller.  I even tried duct taping them once…talk about painful!  Over the years I have grown to appreciate them more but there is still a bit of a pain in the ass dark side to having big tatas.

Bra shopping.  I have wandered into Vicoria’s Secret on numerous occasions only to be disappointed in their selection of sizes. On the clearance rack only hangs A and B cups.  Now, as a marketing person I would have to stop and figure out why there are so many of those sizes left over.  Could it possibly be because boob jobs breast enlargement has been on the rise for quite some time now.  Granted mine are all natural but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to at least FIND a bra my size at said store and finding it on clearance well that would just be a massive bonus.  And please tell me that when I do find my bra size in certain department stores that they look like something my granny used to wear?  Do they think that big breasted women don’t like lace and see through fancy shit?  Does my only color options have to be limited to white or tan?  And what’s with the 4 hooks in the back?  I am holding up boobs not a half ton piece of concrete.

'Ready with the implants, nurse?'
‘Ready with the implants, nurse?’
The shelf.  It’s the place where any drop of food lies and then becomes a stain.  Every shirt I own with a stain is in “the shelf” area.  I stopped wearing white because it was like a curse.  If I stand up straight I can’t see my feet because “the shelf” is in the way.  Sometimes I just set the bowl of whatever I am eating gently on “the shelf”.  That’s one way to prevent stains from happening.

Hugging.  I am also tall…therefore hugging someone means smothering them in boob sweat nation or almost choking them to death with my massive boob mounds.

Bathing suit shopping.  Don’t even get me started.  I am lucky if I can find a top big enough to cover my nipples top half.  And let’s face it, the whole piece bathing suits these days are just so unflattering.  Especially since I don’t have a large bottom half to even out my top half.

Breastfeeding.  Thankfully I am done with this but it was no picnic when doing it.  Have you ever tried nursing with a boob larger then your baby’s head?  And to breast feed in public was just not ever going to happen.  There were no cover wraps big enough for that.  I would have to bring a queen sized sheet with a hole in it for my head.

Sleeping on my stomach.  It’s just out of the question really.

Button down tops. Don’t own any.  Because inevitably the middle few buttons get ripped off and even before that there is always a gap in that area where the buttons are 2 threads away from popping just too tight.

Working out.  I wear a bra, then a sports bra, then a tank with boob support, and then a t-shirt or sweatshirt.  Running is like giving myself black eyes out of the question for more then 5 or 10 minutes and I am just really not into having that many eyes on the twins.  So if the gym is packed then you can bet I am not running on the treadmill.  Running also produces boob sweat which then is attracted to every piece of crumb of anything that falls in there.  I could feed a small nation with what gets lost in crumbs between my boobs.

'You don't expect me to play volleyball without a sports bra, do you?'
‘You don’t expect me to play volleyball without a sports bra, do you?’
People ask me if I have back problems.  WTF do you think!

Running out the door without a bra on.  Running and no bra shouldn’t even be in the same sentence for me.  Even to run to the local convenience store…I put a boulder holder bra on.

#GirlsWithBigBoobProblems

domesticated momster

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

I’m linking this with the following linkys:

Best of Worst

Momster Mondays #1

Momster Mondays #1

still going on today! It’s so easy! Just link up and people can connect to you by reading your blog post!!! I was intimidated by my first linky too but now I  addicted! It’s s great way to find new blogs and for others to discover yours! So what’s stopping you? Link up!!!

A Letter To My Mommy

In honor of the first Mother’s Day since I have started my blog I thought that in honor of my mom…I would post her a letter.  Plus, I am just so bad at sending cards.

Dear Mommy,

Since I can remember you have always been a huge part of my life.  Let’s face it…you gave birth to me and that’s an ordeal all by itself with my 9lb. 9oz. self.  But I don’t think I truly appreciated you as my mother…until I was a mother as well.

I was a rebellious teenager who thought she knew everything there was to know about the world and oh how I was wrong.  I resented you for so many things the day I left home but now I realize that resentment comes with a high price of pain and that it should never be carried onto any next chapter of life.  I have since let go of all of that and feel a better person because of it.

You have been a wonderful grandma to my babies and they all love you so dearly.  You have also been wonderful at loving my stepsons and never making them feel like you weren’t thinking about them in any less way as your own.  

I know there are times through the years that I have been a difficult daughter and you could have given up on me but you didn’t and I will forever be grateful for that.  You never hesitated 3 times in 3 years to be by my side at the birth of each of my babies and it truly comforted me especially after my first when the emotions of my life changing became a little overwhelming for a moment.  You were there to make me feel better and I love and appreciate you more for it.

You should feel proud on this and every Mother’s Day for you have raised 3 caring, crazy, and loving kids who even through the bumps in the road have found their places in adulthood.  They have stepped up to their responsibilities and we all love you dearly! 

I hope you have a wonderful day today and everyday and hope to see you soon!

Love you always,

Trista ❤️

A New Chapter: The Oddity Writer Returns

I feel completely honored for the mention!

10 Things I hate- about everything

A fellow funny mommy!!! Please read for your daily dose of laughter!

Flip Flops Every day

Trista, at Domesticated Momster, participated in one of those many writing challenges, but changed it up a bit to make it more realistic and amusing.  I loved her list so much and laughed and could relate… I’ll just reduce me to 10.

I send the challenge to my blogger friends.  Let me know  if you do, because I want to read!  My first 3 pet-peeves has to deal with bathrooms.  Apparently, I have issues… (soooo, many issues)

Push lever and Flushy-Flushy

1.)  What is the deal with people not flushing the toilet?  My entire family, when it’s mellow-yellow, it’s not that big of a Deal.  However, neon yellow and turds or big logs.  Seriously, stop and flush.  Flush again if you have to.  Today, just before the post, I walk in “oh, come on!”  It’s been sitting there all day since this morning.  Lovely.

2.)  You walk into the restroom…

View original post 683 more words

My Reasons

My reasons for living, loving, and laughing everyday.

What Katy Said