When I was younger I absolutely hated having big boobs.  I would wear overly huge tops and try everything I possibly could to make them “appear” smaller.  I even tried duct taping them once…talk about painful!  Over the years I have grown to appreciate them more but there is still a bit of a pain in the ass dark side to having big tatas.

Bra shopping.  I have wandered into Vicoria’s Secret on numerous occasions only to be disappointed in their selection of sizes. On the clearance rack only hangs A and B cups.  Now, as a marketing person I would have to stop and figure out why there are so many of those sizes left over.  Could it possibly be because boob jobs breast enlargement has been on the rise for quite some time now.  Granted mine are all natural but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to at least FIND a bra my size at said store and finding it on clearance well that would just be a massive bonus.  And please tell me that when I do find my bra size in certain department stores that they look like something my granny used to wear?  Do they think that big breasted women don’t like lace and see through fancy shit?  Does my only color options have to be limited to white or tan?  And what’s with the 4 hooks in the back?  I am holding up boobs not a half ton piece of concrete.

'Ready with the implants, nurse?'
‘Ready with the implants, nurse?’
The shelf.  It’s the place where any drop of food lies and then becomes a stain.  Every shirt I own with a stain is in “the shelf” area.  I stopped wearing white because it was like a curse.  If I stand up straight I can’t see my feet because “the shelf” is in the way.  Sometimes I just set the bowl of whatever I am eating gently on “the shelf”.  That’s one way to prevent stains from happening.

Hugging.  I am also tall…therefore hugging someone means smothering them in boob sweat nation or almost choking them to death with my massive boob mounds.

Bathing suit shopping.  Don’t even get me started.  I am lucky if I can find a top big enough to cover my nipples top half.  And let’s face it, the whole piece bathing suits these days are just so unflattering.  Especially since I don’t have a large bottom half to even out my top half.

Breastfeeding.  Thankfully I am done with this but it was no picnic when doing it.  Have you ever tried nursing with a boob larger then your baby’s head?  And to breast feed in public was just not ever going to happen.  There were no cover wraps big enough for that.  I would have to bring a queen sized sheet with a hole in it for my head.

Sleeping on my stomach.  It’s just out of the question really.

Button down tops. Don’t own any.  Because inevitably the middle few buttons get ripped off and even before that there is always a gap in that area where the buttons are 2 threads away from popping just too tight.

Working out.  I wear a bra, then a sports bra, then a tank with boob support, and then a t-shirt or sweatshirt.  Running is like giving myself black eyes out of the question for more then 5 or 10 minutes and I am just really not into having that many eyes on the twins.  So if the gym is packed then you can bet I am not running on the treadmill.  Running also produces boob sweat which then is attracted to every piece of crumb of anything that falls in there.  I could feed a small nation with what gets lost in crumbs between my boobs.

'You don't expect me to play volleyball without a sports bra, do you?'
‘You don’t expect me to play volleyball without a sports bra, do you?’
People ask me if I have back problems.  WTF do you think!

Running out the door without a bra on.  Running and no bra shouldn’t even be in the same sentence for me.  Even to run to the local convenience store…I put a boulder holder bra on.


domesticated momster

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They’re Just Boobs

I have always been noticed, remembered, and referred to as “the one with the big boobs”  Like somehow that triggers someones mental picture of who I am.  Yes I have big boobs…yes they are real…but what’s the big deal?

My nicknames in high school were “Titsa” …”Chesta”…”Emerson”….to name a few.  In case you were wondering what the meaning behind “Emerson” was….”Em-er-some big titties”.  What is it about big boobs that turns people into certifiable boob fruit loops?  Seriously?  And it’s not only men to blame for this fascination because I have had just as many women obsessed with my “twins” as men. Like for instance I returned to a place this evening that I have only been to one time before.  The bartender at said establishment welcomed me, at first, like she would welcome anyone.  Then she glanced from my face to my boobs and suddenly something in her mind went off like a light bulb and reminded her that she knew exactly who I was….”THE BOOBY CHIC!”

For those of you women who are thinking that you need a breast enlargement ….let me just tell you how overrated big boobs really are.  Let’s start with the basics of clothing.  Have you ever held up a shirt to see if it would possibly fit your boobs?  Have you ever seen an XL that was “made in China”?  Chinese women don’t have big boobs! Therefore an XL shirt, “made in China” might fit my 3 year old.

Next let’s talk about exercising with big boobs.  It sucks.  I wear a bra, a sports bra that is a size too small so it’s firm and still firm once my boobs have stretched it out.  Then I put on a tank top with a built in bra and then top it all off with a sweatshirt.  And then I get to the gym it’s 80 degrees in there and I am s*w*e*a*t*i*n*g!  Nothing compares to running on the treadmill.  I feel like I am doing so good and then I glance in the mirror and realize I look like “Forest Gump”.  Not to mention it HURTS!  So I just stick to brisk walking instead.

How about bathing suits?  The problem with those suckers is I am small in my hips and ass area, therefore if I find one that fits up top then the bottoms are drowning me.  So I am the one who takes a top from one and the bottoms of another and combines them on the same rack.  Let me just apologize if you have ever been the one who found the cutest suit, and it was the last one left, and either the top or the bottom was missing.  And yes I have tried doing a one piece but those are made for women with hips and ass.  And if you are lacking in those areas then they are VERY unflattering.

Then there is the awkwardness of walking into a room and meeting someone for the first time only to have them not even look you in the face!  And it’s like they aren’t even aware they are doing it!  Again…”THEY ARE JUST BOOBS PEOPLE!”  They don’t talk, they don’t shake hands, THEY DON’T COMMUNICATE!

….rant over.