National Snowman Burning Day

Yep, you read that right folks…today is National Snowman Burning Day and I for one am SICK of winter.  Granted, in the following video, the woman doesn’t set the Snowman on fire but she clearly gets her point across.  I have watched this video at least a dozen times and laugh my ass off each and every time.

Because I for one can TOTALLY relate.

It seems like we have had snowfall upon snowfall since November.  And as much as I love the fact that so many water holes that had been empty are now full,  I am ready to put my swimsuit on and get in them, fish in them, boat on them, and camp by them,  rather than just look at them on the news or from the highway.

I am ready to soak up some vitamin D in which my body has been lacking the entire winter and I do believe has turned me into a psychopath an albino like zombie.  **sprays the self tanner on her skin**

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Now there have been a few days of this month that the weather has played with our heads.  It’s even gotten up to 70*F, even if it was for only one day.  But then the very next day it will be 32*F and snowing outside.

I don’t know whether to get the summer clothes out or just keep buying new winter clothes because my kids are all growing out of the stuff they have had since school started.  **thinks of just setting fire to anything that has to do with winter in hopes that it will bring some spring juju**

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And then there is that dreadful W word…no not winter…the other one.  W-I-N-D.  You wake up to see that the sun is peaking through the blinds and you jump out of bed to look outside only to find that your patio furniture is now upside down in a pile against the fence because the wind is blowing 60mph.

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And who wants to go out in that?

You can’t even fly a kite because the force of the wind will whip it right out of your hands.  Forget about doing your hair…even a messy bun can’t survive the brunt of those gail force winds.  The dust blows in your eyes, down your throat, and even into places you didn’t know dust could get into while being fully dressed.

Then there’s the dreaded “couped up indoors with the kids” syndrome.  You’ve pulled crafts off Pinterest, played 100 too many games of Sorry, and even done the unthinkable … MADE THEM CLEAN!

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There actually isn’t any snow left in our yard right now so there won’t be any celebration of National Snowman Burning Day around here, but perhaps I could find a leftover stuffed one in the clearance isle at our local Wal-Mart and tell the kids we are trying out a new ritual to try and welcome spring.

National Burning Snowman Day humor
Burn you damn snowman…I want spring!
Cheers To Spring,

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My Body Hates Me

Do you ever get the feeling that you are trying to accomplish something but certain things keep getting in the way of grasping the goal you have set out to achieve?  Well that’s how I have felt the past couple weeks.

I am also starting to get this crazy idea in my head that ever since I stopped consuming wine on a daily basis,  my body is going through some kind of metamorphosis.  My cycle is all out of whack.  And I am not referring to my bicycle.  I am referring to the bloody fact of nature that we as women get once a month.  Pun intended.

menstrual cycle period humor

Now normally I wouldn’t care that she wanted to veer off track and get lost, be late, not show up on time…but the hubs and I are planning a trip coming up.  Our fist trip, ALONE, NO KIDS, and I kid you not if she ruins my plans I will throw my uterus in the road and use it as target practice.

Ok maybe that’s a little harsh.

Or not.

But did I mention that my hubby and I haven’t had a week’s vacation ALONE….EVER???  In the over 7 years we have been together?

Then last week  I went to the gym on Wednesday….twice.  I worked out new muscle groups…worked them hard…went to Zumba.  Even got a lot of housework done that day.  I had felt this little heaviness in my chest but just brushed it off as old man winter still messing with my health.

I came home from Zumba, took my nice hot Epsom salt bath, put on some comfy pajamas and settled down to watch a movie with the hubs.  Fire was going and I was bundled up in a blanket but I was chilled to the bone.

Went to bed only to wake in the middle of the night with the worst chills and body aches since having Mastitis over 6 years ago.

By morning I couldn’t tell which were body aches and which were muscle aches from the muscles I had worked out at the gym the previous day.  All I knew was that I was in pain, from head to toe, and literally couldn’t move except to shake from the fever chills.

I am quite certain I dosed off momentarily and saw the Grim Reaper coming for me.  Ok maybe just an exaggeration but with the way I felt it mine as well have been true.

Thank goodness the hubs was off that day because I could barely move to get to the bathroom to pee. sick flu cooties illness humor And nothing…I mean N*O*T*H*I*N*G that I took relieved a single symptom.  Not Ibuprofen.  Not Thera Flu.  Not DayQuil.  Not Tylenol.  NADDA.  I seriously contemplated downing half a bottle of whiskey and calling it a day.

I started a round of antibiotics.  But even after being on them for a few days I was still getting fevers and body aches.  And here it is a week later and I am feeling better but the fatigue from this is really starting to become annoying.

I don’t have time to be tired!

I am a mother!

And being that my kids keep getting sick in circles as well…I need to be able to take care of them.

It’s interfering with my workout routine!

And I am sick of waking up with my mouth feeling like the Sahara desert!

And I am sick of complaining about being sick!

So I am thinking that maybe wine is in order???

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Domesticated Momster

Dear Mr. Winter

I know that less than 6 months ago I was complaining that I was sick of sweating and ready for the cold weather to arrive.  I absolutely hate being hot.  One can always put more stuff on to get warm…running around naked still doesn’t cool one off…nor would I like to see some people naked.

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Enough said?
This is our second winter in the northern hemisphere.  We came from a place where the swimming pool was a daily activity for like 9 months of the year.

Last year it snowed but only stuck once and melted within a couple of days.  This year I don’t think there has been a day that I have looked outside and there hasn’t been some form of what resembles snow lurking around. snow neighborhood winter 2016 For the last week my yard has been a solid white blanket.  And yes I think it’s beautiful and I am not complaining about it because it would take years of this kind of weather to replace what the drought has taken away.

The photo to the left is a picture I took from my front yard yesterday.  I really need to take one when the road is also covered and not a single car without 4WD would dare to take on that hill.  You can’t tell by the picture but that hill is steep and brutal when freshly blanketed with snow or ice.

What I am complaining about is the toll it takes on my little monsters.  I want to take them out to go sledding but just when I think it’s the right time suddenly I start to hear the horrible deep coughs and the sneezes that that blow out boogers resembling something like this…

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“So Snot Funny”
I want to take them out and do a photo shoot but I just know that I will be editing out the snot and chapped red lips that resemble that of a clowns…no I am not joking.  And yes I buy them chapstick…it usually ends up in the wash, lost in the car, or used all in one day by my 3 year old.  I am quite certain she eats it.

Now I am sure it’s not just old man winter to blame for my kids constant battle of the common cold.  There are germs lurking everywhere.

Let’s take last night for instance, and the disgusting fool who was sitting near us in the bleachers at the wrestling tournament with his can of “chew spit”.  As we were leaving and I gathered up my kids’ stuff I noticed something wet on my daughters coat.  Yep, you guessed it…the guys can of “chew spit” had spilled ON MY DAUGHTER’S JACKET!  The thought of it is seriously making me gag.  And had he have still been around when I discovered it…the mommy psycho from hell would have come out in me.bad mommy parenting motherhood

But he was gone…leaving his trail of spilled “chew spit” in his revolting, repulsive, gross, ghastly path.

So what did this mother do?  Well she hunted his ass down, of course, and ran him over with her SUV placing his spit can beside him as a reminder to all “chew can spitters” TO THROW THEIR CONTAINERS AWAY!  **One can only dream**  Actually I came home and put the jacket in the washer on the hottest cleaning cycle…twice.

I am somewhat of a germaphobe so when I see my daughter licking the handrail at said high school gymnasium, that probably hasn’t been touched with any sort of disinfectant since being placed there, I slightly come unglued and wonder if she was switched at birth at the hospital.

The sun is shining today and it’s a perfect day to get some great snots shots of my kids in the snow…so for now I am going to stick with that plan because who knows when the next opportunity should arise to do so.  I mean what’s the worst that could happen…pneumonia?

Cheerios and Boogers,

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Dear Mr. Weather

Yo asshole could you make up your mind!  Yesterday it was a lovely 72 degrees outside and today I wake up to snowing!!!  It’s no wonder that we are all sick here.

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I wanted this weather a long time ago.  Now….now I am ready for spring and warmer weather, less clothes, less laundry to do, and the littles being able to go outside without being bundled up like an eskimo.  Do you know how long it takes to get 3 toddlers bundled up to go outside in the cold?  It’s a real bitch!  Takes 30 minutes to locate all the necessities and then another 20 to put them on.  And then guess what?  They want to come back inside 5 minutes later.  And what am I suppose to do say “no”?  You did notice that I said I had 3 toddlers right?  I am outnumbered here.  Saying “no’ to their wishes means having to listen to screaming and crying and temper tantrums.   And I for one don’t like that.  Also, I don’t have the option of duct taping their mouths and locking them in their rooms.  That is frowned upon around here.  Will put me right into “horrible mother” status!

There has been a constant circle of illness in my house since before Christmas!!!  I am tired of wiping noses and finding booger infested tissue stuffed in every crevice of my house.  I am tired of BUYING tissue.  Even Costco doesn’t sell a quantity substantial enough for this monstrous, snot blowing household!

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I am tired of trips to the doctors office.  They have become to know me by first name there.  Hell, they know my voice when I call!  “Good morning Mrs. Souza…which one of the flock will you be bringing in today?”  Next they will have quarantined off a room just for us!  The sickies!!!

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Don’t get me started on how many bottles of medicine I have acquired in my cabinet.  I have to pay close attention to the labels since I have 3 different toddlers at 3 different stages.  One can’t take this and the other one has a bad reaction to that.  And could someone please tell me why they have to make medicine taste fruity?  That just makes my kids want some even when they aren’t sick!  Like it’s candy or a treat.  I then have to lie to them and tell them there isn’t anymore and that mommy will get some at the store.  Bad mommy for lying.

Now I am not sure that this is all to blame on you Mr. Weather but your daily forecast  shenanigans aren’t helping.  I don’t mind some rain with warmer temperatures…but this 30 some degrees atmospheric pressure is enough to switch me from wine to vodka!

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Sincerely,

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30 Day Writing Challenge: Days 10 and 11

I am going to combine two days into one since I have fallen behind in this challenge and they are both topics that can blend together, weather and something unusual:

Well I would say that the weather we are having here in Winnemucca, NV has been completely unusual and unpredictable.  The landscaping is all blooming and I woke up to a chilling 20 degrees outside this morning. Not that 20 degrees is chilly to me of course…ever since I turned 40 I swear it’s like my internal thermostat is stuck on “sweating”.  I only turn on the heat in this house because I have little ones.  Otherwise I would have it at a constant 60 degrees.  And if my husband or the teenagers ever complained that it was cold…I would just tell them to put more clothes on or get a blanket.  “Cause if mama ain’t happy…she will make everyone’s lives a living hell ain’t nobody happy!”

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I don’t dare talk about the W word that was roaring like the 1920’s outside yesterday….shhhh!

Now I am a sunshine girl.  Love the sunshine, love all the things that come with summer…except…HOT weather.  I am not a fan of extremely hot which is funny since I lived in southern Nevada for over 20 years.  And people used to ask me, “How do you live in such extreme temperatures?”  Well that would be due to A/C and swimming pools of course.  Not that either of those would be available anymore during a zombie apocalypse but that’s what vodka and sleeping pills are for.

You’re probably now wondering if I was serious about that last statement…

The vodka and sleeping pills would be to feed the zombies of course…duh!

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Back to the weather being unusual…what a boring topic to write about  really.  Today it is sunny and beautiful outside and tomorrow’s forecast calls for rain and snow flurries.  Go figure.

This is how unpredictable it is…I just checked my weather app again and now it says just partly cloudy with a chance of meatballs for tomorrow…2 days ago it said rain and snow. Unpredictable and unusual…that is the weather.

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