National Snowman Burning Day

Yep, you read that right folks…today is National Snowman Burning Day and I for one am SICK of winter.  Granted, in the following video, the woman doesn’t set the Snowman on fire but she clearly gets her point across.  I have watched this video at least a dozen times and laugh my ass off each and every time.

Because I for one can TOTALLY relate.

It seems like we have had snowfall upon snowfall since November.  And as much as I love the fact that so many water holes that had been empty are now full,  I am ready to put my swimsuit on and get in them, fish in them, boat on them, and camp by them,  rather than just look at them on the news or from the highway.

I am ready to soak up some vitamin D in which my body has been lacking the entire winter and I do believe has turned me into a psychopath an albino like zombie.  **sprays the self tanner on her skin**

200-1.gif

Now there have been a few days of this month that the weather has played with our heads.  It’s even gotten up to 70*F, even if it was for only one day.  But then the very next day it will be 32*F and snowing outside.

I don’t know whether to get the summer clothes out or just keep buying new winter clothes because my kids are all growing out of the stuff they have had since school started.  **thinks of just setting fire to anything that has to do with winter in hopes that it will bring some spring juju**

200-2.gif

And then there is that dreadful W word…no not winter…the other one.  W-I-N-D.  You wake up to see that the sun is peaking through the blinds and you jump out of bed to look outside only to find that your patio furniture is now upside down in a pile against the fence because the wind is blowing 60mph.

200-3.gif

And who wants to go out in that?

You can’t even fly a kite because the force of the wind will whip it right out of your hands.  Forget about doing your hair…even a messy bun can’t survive the brunt of those gail force winds.  The dust blows in your eyes, down your throat, and even into places you didn’t know dust could get into while being fully dressed.

Then there’s the dreaded “couped up indoors with the kids” syndrome.  You’ve pulled crafts off Pinterest, played 100 too many games of Sorry, and even done the unthinkable … MADE THEM CLEAN!

Motherhood mommy dearest winter
There actually isn’t any snow left in our yard right now so there won’t be any celebration of National Snowman Burning Day around here, but perhaps I could find a leftover stuffed one in the clearance isle at our local Wal-Mart and tell the kids we are trying out a new ritual to try and welcome spring.

National Burning Snowman Day humor
Burn you damn snowman…I want spring!
Cheers To Spring,

domesticated momster signature

 

 

Throwback Thursday ~ A Housewife’s Wardrobe

As I was hanging up my clothes today I started to think to myself that my wardrobe is just not as cute as it used to be.  Yes I have managed to hang onto some of the cute stuff but rarely do I find myself wearing it.  My closet has become full of what I would call a housewife’s wardrobe.

The majority of my laundry consists of sweats (Old Navy sweats are my favorite), t-shirts that are dated back to the pregnancy with my first child…not to mention they look even older after being washed and warn what seems like a gazillion times, and sweatshirts…the ones that I throw upon myself to rush to the grocery store.  Oh and lets not forget my lovely go to yoga pants…comfy doesn’t get any comfier then a washed and warn pair of yoga pants.  Unfortunately they have never seen the light of day of a yoga class.

#momlife yoga pants housewife wardrobe

 

I have also found a love for cameos.  Nothing fancy, Kirkland brand from Costco.  But I wear them under EVERYTHING.  Sometimes I feel like it’s just one step closer to wearing “spanx”.  Although I just don’t see how something squeezing every ounce of cellulite could be anywhere near comfort. And where does all the fat go?  And what happens when you take it off?  Isn’t that kind of like false advertisement?  Like the wonder bra and wonder jeans, where one wonders what happened when they are removed.  Of course that only applies to people who are dating, I suppose.  As “married with children” women we have had everything on display already.

spanx funny humor

Now mind you I have come a long way in motherhood with my wardrobe.  Long gone are the days that I would get dolled up to leave the house and inevitably one of the babies would spit up and I didn’t have time to change.  Nothing like sitting somewhere smelling like soured breast milk.

 

I complain to my husband about my wardrobe and of course he tells me to go out and buy some new clothes.  But for what? I don’t go anywhere that requires anything more then my current “mommy wear”.  And for our occasional date nights I have a few pairs of jeans and “nice” tshirts for those outings.  I mean seriously am I going to clean the house and attend to the children in fancy clothes?  I am sure there are mothers that do so but as for me I have never been much of a fashionista so why start now?  I would rather spend my money on something more rational…like wine.  **smiles**

 

Unknown-1

We live in a small town…you know the kind where some people can’t even get out of their pajama bottoms to go to the grocery store.  I am quite certain our local Wal-Mart is on a YouTube video somewhere.

images-3

I have some really cute pajama pants but I am not about to wear them out in public…unless of course I don’t need to get out of the car…then it’s acceptable.  I say this because once my kids start school I know that I am going to be one of those mom’s dropping my kids off with my pajamas and slippers on.  I am NOT a morning person what so ever and the fact that I will have 3 of them to get ready at the crack of dawn, that just doesn’t leave time for me to worry about what I look like.

images-4
Even at 10am this is what I still look like.

UPDATE:  I go to the gym after dropping off the kids these days so I am usually dressed the part…but on Fridays my littlest one doesn’t go to preschool so therefore the other two are dropped off with my pajamas on.  Don’t judge.  I don’t have to get out of the car.

I have also started hating to wear bras…mind you I will not go out in public without one on but as soon as I get home it’s the first thing to come off.  My “girls” don’t like to be all bunched up in a wad.  I mean could you imagine if men had penis bras?  Or had to go everywhere wearing a jock strap?  We would never hear the end of how uncomfortable that was.  Well I feel the same way about my boulder holder.  Therefore when I am home, it is off.  **feels sorry for the random people who come to the door**

images-6

Truth is I am a stay at home mom/housewife and I enjoy dressing the part.  Let’s face it…who wouldn’t like to be able to go into work everyday with messy hair and comfy clothes?  My kids don’t care what I look like.  All they care about is that mommy is here to take care of their every need.  The only thing they notice is when I have morning breath and they tell me to brush my teeth.  My son tells me I am beautiful even when I look like a train wreck.  And lucky for me my husband likes the “natural” me.  Meaning a little eyeliner and mascara and although I have long hair it is usually up…and I am ok with it.  I am more comfortable with me now than I was in my younger years.  So to all you moms out there who wonder if your wardrobe has gotten a bit on the frumpy side just remember that as long as your kids are happy who cares if your shirt has a hole in it?

The “not so fashionista”,

img_0812

UPDATE:  I wrote this piece when I first started my blog.  I have since purchased some new clothes and actually because this year I made a decision that I was going to promise to myself to get in shape I will be purchasing some more clothes.  Something about losing weight and feeling healthy on the inside makes you want to look better on the outside.  But I still love my pajama days…which is usually only Sundays these days.

I am linking this post with the following linkys…

 

 

DomesticatedMomster

The Drive Home

The other day I was telling someone this story and I decided that I must share with all you  readers the funny, but not so funny story about a certain drive home I had one time.

My husband used to work out-of-town, in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie little town called Ely, NV.  Look it up on the map.  It’s literally a town of 4,000 people as said by Wikipedia in 2015.  I have no clue where they get that number from because when I used to visit my husband there it literally felt like a ghost town.  They must be counting people’s pets as part of the population.

Sometimes, I would get the crazy notion to pile 3 babies in diapers, two young teenage boys, and our German Shepard Roxy in our then minivan, and make the five-hour trip up to see my husband.

Without Xanax or wine.

This one trip in particular was quite a memorable one.

We had made the trip up there just fine.  The afternoon that we left we decided to grab some food.  Now I am not sure if it was the food or we all, at the same time, got some kind of nausea bug.

First it hit one of the babies and so I pulled off the road to change the horrific ghastly sickening smell which was invading one of my babies diapers in the backseat.  I mean literally it smelled like someone had crapped on the dashboard right in front of me.

200-1.gif

Now of course there are no garbage cans on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, and I wasn’t about to be an ignorant fool and just throw the diaper into the desert, so I found a bag and placed the diaper in there.  And placed the bag back into the minivan.

Followed by several more, by all 3 babies, at all different times, throughout the day.

Then the bug hit me.  Like a bullet train.  And this 5 hour trip had already gone passed 5 hours and we still had over an hour to home.

No I didn’t shit my pants but there were a few times I thought I was going to have to pull over and throw-up, and the smell of all them grisly diapers sitting in a bag, somewhere in the minivan, and my dog’s stinky hot breath breathing on me, weren’t helping matters.

200-2.gif

Oh and did I happen to mention that it was like 120*F outside and so there was no rolling down the windows.  And have you ever changed a diaper that smells like something died 2 weeks ago in it, on the side of the road, in 120*F weather?  And could someone please tell me why minivans don’t come equipped with pop up changing tables?

To add to the driving nightmare we  ended up behind a line of traffic.  Now granted, they were all doing the speed limit but for me, that just wasn’t fast enough because I just wanted to GET HOME.

speeding images funny humor

So when it was safe, I decide to pass the 3 or 4 cars, driving at the speed limit, in front of me.  And of course I wanted to do this quickly so I think I was doing about 120 100 by the time I finally got around them.  Yes minivans can go that fast.

I was just passing them.  Of course I don’t do 100 mph on a regular basis with all my kids in the car.

And up ahead what should I see just as I am getting back over into my lane… not 1 but 2 COPS!

This just wasn’t my fucking day.

speeding quote humor funny

As they passed me and I looked in my side mirror I saw them turn around and so I just pulled over.  Why continue to carry on acting as if you weren’t doing anything wrong and just waste more time.  Time I didn’t have.

And then I watched as all the other cars that I had passed, driving past me, eyeing me, and probably thinking to themselves…”ha ha you dumb bitch, that’s what you get for speeding”.

Because that’s exactly what I think when I see some asshole, whose speeding past me, and then having the delight of seeing them being pulled over up ahead.

The cops approach the car and while standing at my window, I roll it down.  There is no way that they couldn’t have gotten a whiff of what was lurking from the inside of my minivan.  I am actually quite surprised that they didn’t ask to see if I had a dead body in the back.

200_s.gif
Let’s just say they clocked my speed at about 60mph over the speed limit

They took one look inside, asked me for my license and registration, and then asked me where I was coming from and where I was headed.

I answered them in the nice way, but what I really wanted to do was tell them something smart ass like “Oh I am just out on a Sunday stroll with my 5 kids, the panting dog, and oh THIS BAG FULL OF SHITTY DIAPERS!”

And then puke on their shoes.

They must have known it had been a rough ride for me because they kindly gave me a warning to slow down, handed me back my license and registration, and let me go.

I was shocked.

We finally made it home safe and sound but I am quite certain that the smell of that bag full of shitty diapers was still lingering in that minivan when we traded it in.

img_0812

I am linking this post with the following linkys…

 

Domesticated Momster

 

 

Mummuddlingthrough

Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

housewifefail1.gif
Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

giphy-1.gif
I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. 😂😳  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

giphy-2.gif

No One’s Perfect,

Domesticated Momster Signature

I’m linking this post with the following fab Linkys…

 

Rhyming with Wine

 

This Mum's Life

 

 

 

National Dog Day

200.gif

Today is National Dog Day.  Yep that’s right…a national day dedicated to the extended family furry canine hound mongrel dog friend we call a pet.

We have a wonderful German Shepard named Roxy.  And when I say she is wonderful that is probably an understatement for she endures pure torture from my 4-year-old DAILY!National Dog Day Roxy German Shepard Just last week my said 4-year-old dressed the poor dog up in this contraption.  I am baffled where she found a matching pair of socks as I can’t find a matching pair to save my life!

Roxy was given to us by my dad because he had 3 dogs and 2 of them (one being Roxy) wouldn’t get along.  I was glad it was Roxy he was willing to give up, because I wouldn’t have taken the other dog.  She was dumber than a box of rocks and I swear must have been a pig dressed in a dog uniform.  She ate more than my 5 kids put together.

Roxy was originally a pound puppy who apparently came from a family who fell on hard times and couldn’t keep her.  But for me, she has been the best dog I have ever had…and I have had a lot of dogs.

dogs.gif

She loves my kids like a second mother.  She sleeps with them, lies on them, and if they’re outside in the yard, so is she.  Like she is watching over them to make sure they are safe.  It can be 100*F out there and she will lay her ass somewhere and wait until they come inside.

Now granted, even though the 4-year-old loves to torment poor Roxy she is also always sneaking her little hand in the treat bag and let’s just say that Roxy is never in a lack of 10-15 treats a day.  And if anyone forgets to give her a treat well she will stare at you for whatever length of time it takes, until you finally pay attention to her neediness.

giphy-1.gif
“Are you going to give me my treat or am I just going to have to sit here batting my eyes at you for hours???”

She also loves to claw get your attention with her paw.  This will usually end up resulting in a scar where ever she has decided to do this.  If you are playing and run…you better run fast because her and her vicious claws paws will come in contact with whatever bare skin you have exposed.  Fuck the teeth…look out for my dog’s nails!

I have thought of painting them a time or 12.

Most days she can be found sleeping on the couch or any varations of beds in the house.  She has a dog pillow which my kids use more of as a pillow than she does.  I think I have seen her laying on it maybe twice in the 5 years we have had her.  And if you are in her spot on the couch she will lay on top of you until you either move or she farts and makes you move.

200-1.gif
Yeah, we usually blame it on Frank around here too! 😂😂😂

So if you have a dog then remember to make sure to give him or her that extra attention today for today is their day…National Dog Day.

Could I get A National Fucking Momster Day over here???

Domesticated Momster Signature

Currently Taking Applications For A Clone Of Myself

Have any of you ever thought how wonderful it would be if you could clone yourself?  Like Michael Keaton did in the movie “Multiplicity“.  If you haven’t ever seen it I highly recommend it for a good laugh.  Below is one of my favorite scenes from the movie.

Lately I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day to ever get done what I want or NEED to get done.  Not to mention I NEED sleep and anything less than 6 hours just makes for me to be a complete crotch twat bitch grumpy ass zombie gif

I have tried putting myself on schedules…even writing them down to try to help me stick to them and inevitably, almost daily, something comes along that puts a quirk in my plan.

I am running around so crazy that I went to the store to get my daughters kindergarten supplies and grabbed the sheet for the wrong school.  Needless to say it takes too much time to return or exchange the stuff so I will just go get the items I don’t have and put the rest in our craft supplies.  And then proceed to face plant my head into a tree.

face plant tree gif

Below is a copy of the daily routine I am about to endure come Monday.

6am – alarm will go off.  Now this of course doesn’t mean that I will jump out of bed at that very moment.  This is just a reminder that the crazy chaos is getting ready to start.

Between the time I tear myself from the comfort of my favorite bed, set my feet on the floor, and 7:40am I will have gotten 4 kids up (granted one is a teen and can get himself up and ready but there are times he doesn’t hear his alarm clock), dressed, fed, lunches made, and then drive to 3 different schools, dropping the last two off by 8am.

By 8:15 I hope to be getting my workout on!  And until 11:30, when I pick up my youngest from preschool, having the freedom to get done whatever NEEDS to get done, that is just easier, without having any children in tow.

Now granted, I am looking forward that I will only have one child this year from 11:30 to 3.   ONE CHILD!   I don’t even know what that resembles.  I don’t even remember what it was like before I had children….oh wait….yes I do….

partying before kids single

 

I have signed all the littles up for soccer this year, my oldest made varsity football, and my littlest little will also be doing tumbling.  She decided she wanted to try it instead of ballet but has informed me that if she doesn’t like it, then she will want to return to ballet.  My husband also wants to put them all in Tae Kwon Do.  “Sure honey let me just pencil that in right between brink of insanity and straight jacket.”.

I’m just kidding…who doesn’t love a full plate?  *picks mind up off the floor*

supermom quote funny humor

I will be attending 3 different soccer practices on three different days Tues, Wed, and Thurs, and then tumbling on Fridays.  Game schedules haven’t been posted yet but I am quite certain I will be running from field to field on Saturdays and of course Friday night high school football games.  AND trying to attend some of the out-of-town games since we live in a rural area and they travel to other towns for away games.

And somewhere in here I will need to find the energy to have sex with my husband.  This is where a clone WOULD BE GREAT!  And of course for other various chores like housework and laundry.

I think I just referred to having sex with my husband as a chore.  Ooooops.  *smirks*

AND FINDING TIME TO BLOG!!!

So if anyone is interested, I am currently taking applications for a clone of myself.  Pass me it around.

Thanks In Advance,

Domesticated Momster Signature

I am linking this post with the following fab linkys…

 

 

Domesticated Momster

How You Know It’s Time For The Kids To Go Back To School

I don’t know about you but I am counting down the minutes seconds days for my little ones to go back to school.

I remember that I couldn’t wait for school to be out and not have to wake up to an alarm clock or rush around like a psychopath mad woman to get the kids up, dressed, fed, and off to three different schools.

We had all these summer vacations and fun plans and memories to make.   Well now here it is almost the middle of August and I am DONE with them being home all day. *pulls hair out*

And here is a list of reasons why:

*My wine budget has far exceeded any Christmas budget we have ever had.

back to school kids parenting humor

*The liquor cabinet is on rations.  Sometimes wine doesn’t cut it so I have had to get into the hard stuff.  Sometimes this is before noon.

*I have heard the word mommy, mom, mama, and mother so many times that I am contemplating changing my name to bitch so that they can’t call me by my name.

*If we are stuck in the house it’s like a prison sentence.  There is only so much patience that I have left for crafts, teaching, and anything else that doesn’t involve technology.  Have you ever tried doing crafts with 3 little people? It takes longer to get everything out and ready and to clean up the mess, then we spend on actually doing the craft.  Plus I have had to use some of the craft supplies budget to add to the wine budget.  Don’t judge me.


*It’s hot outside and the summer toys have lost their lustre.  Hell, they were bored with those 2 weeks into the summer holiday.  *misses the days of having a pool*  The outside cement has been decorated so many times with sidewalk chalk that when the dog lays in it she’s 10 different shades of color when she gets up.  My children have also discovered that chalk and water makes for great paint.  They will lay in it and then make little human body prints everywhere.  This is usually right after I have given them a shower.  Now I just play mommy dearest and they get the hose.

*I play referee more times in one day than an NFL professional referee does in an entire season of football.  God for bid one of them destroys something on the others Minecraft bullshit.  You would think that the actual house was on fire and all it is, is a video game that I still can’t understand their obsession with.

sex in the shower gif

*I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex that didn’t qualify as a quickie in the shower.  You know the whole “Mommy and daddy are going to go get dressed  now so don’t come knock on the door 5 gazillion times tattling or asking for something” routine.  And then you lock the door and pray that they don’t unlock it…because yes, my kids know how to do that with a toothpick!

*I am trying to get them back into an early to bed routine.  The. struggle. is. real. and some nights I just give up and go to bed myself in hopes they won’t kill each other destroy something while I’m sleeping.

*I need to get back to the gym and I would like to have time to write a blog post without 1,000 interruptions.  Oh and did I mention my hair is falling out…or maybe that’s from me actually tugging on it several times throughout the day.

*I miss my alone time and can gradually feel my sanity slipping away.  I just might have to take money from the school supplies budget to hold me over on the wine since I still have 22 days to go.  *rolls her eyes as far back into her head as they can go* They don’t need new shoes right?  I can just cut holes in the ends of the old ones.  Again don’t judge me.

drinking wine humor

Counting the days to getting my sanity back,

Domesticated Momster Signature

 

I am linking this post with the following fabulous linkys

 

Domesticated Momster
Rhyming with Wine
Cuddle Fairy