Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. 😂😳  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.


No One’s Perfect,

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~The History Of Housewives Part 1~

I have decided that since I am such an expert at being a housewife that why not write about the history of housewives? Actually if you asked my husband he would probably tell you that my housewife skills are lacking.  The laundry is piled high on top of the washer and dryer (hey at least it’s folded), the floors need a good mopping, and I will be the first to admit to making a meal the easiest way I know….in the crock pot (that chili sure smells good).

I tend to think that as long as the children are alive and happy then that’s all that truly matters.  The thing about housework is IT NEVER GOES AWAY!  It’s always there and dependable when you feel like setting flame to doing it, which for me would be NEVER.  Let’s take a little look into what housewives have been like through the decades.

History Of Housewives #housewives #mother #1900 twentieth century women
*Can you imagine how long laundry took?*

1900 ~ In the beginning of the twentieth century women didn’t have many rights.  They were pretty much expected to get married and have children while their husbands went to war or work and generated the household income.  If you were a woman and single in the early 1900’s then you got a job waitressing, cooking, housecleaning, sewing etc.  Sounds to me like there wasn’t really a difference between being single and married other than instead of only having a boss you also had a husband telling you what to do.

It was actually quite frowned upon to have women in the workforce in the early 1900’s.  I bet this meant that there were a lot of “unhappily” married women as well.

1910 ~ By 1910 there was a little over 23 percent of women in the workforce.  Mainly because so many men were called to war.  Washington State adopts women’s suffrage and starts the ball rolling on women’s right to vote.  In 1911 a factory fire kills over 140 workers, mostly which are young woman and commences labor reform.

History Of Housewives #homemaker #1910 #housewife #slave
*The only thing cool about being a housewife in this decade are the hats*

This decade was a popular one with the Titanic sinking in 1912 and WWI starting in 1917.  And wrapping up the decade with the outlawing of any selling or manufacturing of alcohol.  That was quite a crappy decade if you ask me.  To sum it up, to be a woman means you are a slave whether married or single, the men were all at war (and I’m pretty sure there weren’t vibrators back then), and booze is illegal meaning no cocktails for those really shitty shoddy days.

1920 ~ Also known as the roaring 20’s was a breakthrough for women.  Early in the decade women are given the right to vote and obtain equal rights as that of the opposite sex.  Divorce also became legal in this decade so you can imagine how high the rate was for that.

As for the housewives of the 1920’s, they were to keep a clean house all while looking their best.  I guess this means no running around in her pajama pants or underwear and hair in a messy bun all while scrubbing the toilet.  Late in the decade appliance companies began to market an assortment of “time-saving devices”.

History Of Housewives #housewife #caretaker #mother #wife #1920
*Who cleans house in dresses and uncomfortable shoes?*

Mothers were expected to wean their children from breastfeeding at exactly nine months and have them potty trained by an exact age whether they were ready or not.  Kissing or hugging your children in public was frowned upon and if a child acted spoiled the mother was blamed for giving too much affection to her children.  WTF?

1930 ~  Pretty much nothing changes in this decade for the housewives.  They are still trying to look their best and obtain a mark on society.  Here is an interesting marriage test written by a doctor in late 1939 made up of a demerit system.

1940 ~ This decade brings WWII and the first women’s baseball league.  Mid decade there are over 35 percent of woman in the workforce only to return to “female” roles after WWII ends.

As for the housewives of this decade they begin to learn how to live on a serious budget.  We are talking less than $20 a week to feed the average family of 4.  Still washing most clothes by hand including those wonderful reusable diapers.  I for one would have never survived having to clean out poop from a cloth.  If my kids have a number 2 accident these days…I just throw the undies away.  No I’m not kidding.History Of Housewives #housewife #caretaker #mother #wife #1940

Children took their naps outside and manners were strictly enforced.  Wash before dinner, no elbows on the table, never speak with food in your mouth, and you must be asked to be excused before leaving the table.  In my opinion, I think these rules should all still apply.  **bubble forms above head**

The housewives of the 40’s also put the needs of their husband high above their own.  I would have been a wife dead in the trunk of the car if I had been a 1940’s housewife.

History Of Housewives #housewife #wife #mother #caretaker #homemaker #19501950 ~ Along comes the decade of “I Love Lucy”, “Father Knows Best”, and “Leave It To Beaver” portraying the average housewife as loyal and domesticated individuals of suburbia.   They live for taking care of their homes and family all while still looking their best.

Most advertising images showed a woman in the kitchen, with a fake smile on her face, and high heels on, while holding in her hands either a pie or the latest model kitchen gadget or vacuum cleaner.  The house was spotless and dinner was served at the exact moment that the possessor of balls man of the house husband walked through the door from work.History Of Housewives #housewife #homemaker #mother #wife #1950   Like somehow cooking and cleaning was the only thing that brought smiles to these women’s faces back then.  It’s no wonder that on the other spectrum of 1950’s images shows women with a cigarette in one hand and a martini glass in the other.  Now days the cigarette is replaced by a pill bottle labeled Xanax, Valium, or Zoloft.

The number of women entering college declined in this decade and even the ones who did go onto finish college still ended up as homemakers.  Some of these girls/students/women even taking classes to prepare them to be housewives.  Society assuming that having the mother absent from the home, for any reason, meant bad parenting and somehow endangering the family unit also known as the nuclear family.

There you have it…six decades of housewives and I can honestly say that nothing much changed.  Women basically went from having no rights and not being treated equally to having rights but not using them and then still being treated unequally in the home by expecting to cater to the keeper of the penis man.  I will be interested to see what the next six decades will have to say….

To Be Continued

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