Writing Challenge Day 1

In my Timehop today there was a picture of a writing challenge that I obviously took a picture of and was thinking that perhaps I would try and do it and then didn’t.  Blogging is kind of like housework sometimes…I am easily distracted and get off course.

It’s going to be a challenge just finding the time to sit down everyday and write about each thing on the list…but I am going to give it a whirl.

The first day is…Your Current Relationship, if single, discuss how single life is.

Well I am not single so let me share the boring juicy details of my current relationship, which is marriage.

The King of the house and I met back in 2008.  He found his winning prize…yours truly…on yahoo personals.  I was living the single life with no kids and no responsibilities …well unless you count work and bills as part of those.

I have to admit that I was a little intimidated by him upon meeting him in person for the first time.  But a couple beers later and I was like *here’s my number…stop staring at my boobs…and call me if you want to hang out again.*  He was blowing up my phone with text messages 10 minutes later even though he will never admit it.  You know guys and how smooth they think they are.

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It wasn’t long before we were attached at the hip *grins* if you know what I mean.  And over the course of the next 3 years we would add three more children to the two he had when we got together.

Let’s fast forward to current day.

We will be celebrating our 8 year wedding anniversary on May 20th.  It’s really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have been in a relationship for that long.  My previous relationships never made it past 5 years.  It had actually become a joke between my friends and I.  It was like a 5 year “you’re fucking out of here” curse.

Luckily there were never any children involved.

Now I’m not saying that we haven’t had some close calls of calling it quits but I really just don’t think there are any other people that could put up with either one of us.   We are both stubborn headed, I’m a little crazy, he’s a bit of an asshole, but somehow together we manage not to murder terminate slaughter butcher massacre snuff dispose of kill each other.  I mean those thoughts never even cross my mind. **picks up her halo and places it gently back over her devil horn**

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But like I have written before “marriage takes work” and “doesn’t run on auto pilot“.  You have to be able to laugh together, take time for one another(or sometimes away from each other), and you have to learn to pick your battles…may I suggest only picking the ones you know you can win…just saying.

My husband and I have decided divorce isn’t an option unless we just grow to literally hate one another or I stab him in the leg with a fork.  Whichever comes first.  Otherwise, we are lifers!

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National Snowman Burning Day

Yep, you read that right folks…today is National Snowman Burning Day and I for one am SICK of winter.  Granted, in the following video, the woman doesn’t set the Snowman on fire but she clearly gets her point across.  I have watched this video at least a dozen times and laugh my ass off each and every time.

Because I for one can TOTALLY relate.

It seems like we have had snowfall upon snowfall since November.  And as much as I love the fact that so many water holes that had been empty are now full,  I am ready to put my swimsuit on and get in them, fish in them, boat on them, and camp by them,  rather than just look at them on the news or from the highway.

I am ready to soak up some vitamin D in which my body has been lacking the entire winter and I do believe has turned me into a psychopath an albino like zombie.  **sprays the self tanner on her skin**

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Now there have been a few days of this month that the weather has played with our heads.  It’s even gotten up to 70*F, even if it was for only one day.  But then the very next day it will be 32*F and snowing outside.

I don’t know whether to get the summer clothes out or just keep buying new winter clothes because my kids are all growing out of the stuff they have had since school started.  **thinks of just setting fire to anything that has to do with winter in hopes that it will bring some spring juju**

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And then there is that dreadful W word…no not winter…the other one.  W-I-N-D.  You wake up to see that the sun is peaking through the blinds and you jump out of bed to look outside only to find that your patio furniture is now upside down in a pile against the fence because the wind is blowing 60mph.

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And who wants to go out in that?

You can’t even fly a kite because the force of the wind will whip it right out of your hands.  Forget about doing your hair…even a messy bun can’t survive the brunt of those gail force winds.  The dust blows in your eyes, down your throat, and even into places you didn’t know dust could get into while being fully dressed.

Then there’s the dreaded “couped up indoors with the kids” syndrome.  You’ve pulled crafts off Pinterest, played 100 too many games of Sorry, and even done the unthinkable … MADE THEM CLEAN!

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There actually isn’t any snow left in our yard right now so there won’t be any celebration of National Snowman Burning Day around here, but perhaps I could find a leftover stuffed one in the clearance isle at our local Wal-Mart and tell the kids we are trying out a new ritual to try and welcome spring.

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Burn you damn snowman…I want spring!
Cheers To Spring,

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Tips That Men Can Impress Their Ladies With On National Boyfriend’s Day

I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures.  I am however here to perhaps help those of you morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub or hold those male crown jewels.

In this day and age if you want to get sex something  you need to give woo something.  Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazy  psycho grumpy  mom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.

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Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA.  How lucky for them.  And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.

Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies.  In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.

*A note taped to the mirror.  It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note.  You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.

*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady.  It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway.  But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some.  If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!

*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it.  Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym.  Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.

*Give a compliment.  Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”.  It’s at least a compliment.  Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments.   We just like to feel appreciated.  Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.

*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time.  Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES.  And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper.  Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason?  The world would end.   So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead.  Say something funny.   Kiss her favorite spot.  Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.

National Boyfriend's Day Tips

*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice.  If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go.  Or do something out of the ordinary.  And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame.  Lame. Lame. Lame.  You don’t deserve a woman.

*Give her some time to herself.  Draw her a bubble bath.  Pour her a glass of her favorite poison.  Put on some of her favorite music.  Light some candles.  THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM!  Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing.  And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit.  Check to see if she needs a refill.  Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned.  Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed.  And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.

*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to.  There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to.  Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.

Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures.  It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA.  We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch.  You think we choose to be this way?  You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy?  The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.

National Boyfriend's Day

And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either.  There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you.  But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back.  Complaining about it does nothing.  Action does.

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House Cleaning Tips

I have always said that housework is not my life occupation profession business career “job description”.  I like to refer to myself as the president of this corporation I run, where from time to time the dreadful house cleaning must. be. done.

Now this isn’t going to be a list of actual house cleaning tips…but maybe you already guessed that.

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This is what I feel about housework

Now I am not one to say that my house is anywhere near magazine looking.  Martha Stewart, I am not.  Martha Stewart would laugh at me and then we could sit back and share prison stories while she gave me some stock market tips.  **just roll with it**

There’s no “Homes And Gardens” knocking on my door.

Actually there’s no one knocking on my door…maybe because we have that bright red “NO SOLICITING” sign right in plain view.  Anyway…

And how about you men that stay home?  Are you all Mr. Clean’s?  Do you tread around the house with those magical white sponges, that I swear must have mother’s spit in them because they work so damn good.

I have finally learned to live by the motto that since I am the one who cleans, I will decide when and what gets cleaned.

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Now our house isn’t remotely close to an episode of Hoarders either.  There isn’t any bags of poo or 500 mice scurrying around inside our walls that we refer to as pets.  Yes I am aware that Hoarding is a disease and that most people don’t want to truly be that way but I am just making a point here.  (for all those easily offended)

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I will tell you this though.  When I do clean something, I spend hours doing it.  The other night,  AFTER I put the kids to bed, I spent 3 hours in my very own kitchen scrubbing and disinfecting everything that had a surface.  And had it not been so late and I hadn’t had one too many whiskey on the rocks (it was Friday night people…pathetic…I know), I probably would have started organizing the 19 cabinet spaces our kitchen contains.  No, I don’t do meth, alcohol is like an energy drink for me.

And yes I do like to get a little drunk snockered inebriated  buzzed and then go on outrageous cleaning marathons, sometimes.  It makes it so less tedious.  Don’t judge me.

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I have been cleaning for over 30 years…personally I am quite sick of doing it.  And with 4 kids, a dog, and my husband…the struggle. is. real.  And yes they all have chores of their own to do, with the exception of my husband, but because I am so picky, I go around and still clean after they have cleaned.   My OCD has come a long way since having kids though.  When I was single and worked an obscene amount of hours…I had a maid.  And even after she would come, and even though the house was clean, my OCD would kick in and I would go and get the stuff that she missed.  Stuff that a normal person, without OCD, would have never noticed.

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Any of my friends that knew me before I had kids, can speak for me that my house was “I’m hiding DNA evidence” clean.

Now days…whatever you do…don’t lift the couch cushions.

Don’t move the refrigerator or the washer and dryer for that matter.

Stay away from most drawers and cabinets in the utility room without signing an injury waiver first.

 

See the thing about house cleaning for me, is that it takes me so damn long to do one area of my house that it then takes me a day or two to recover before I get to another section.  Therefore, my house is never all clean in one day.  Actually there are just other things that I would truly rather be doing.

Here is the best house cleaning tip of all…WHEN IT’S DONE!

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Throwback Thursday ~ A Housewife’s Wardrobe

As I was hanging up my clothes today I started to think to myself that my wardrobe is just not as cute as it used to be.  Yes I have managed to hang onto some of the cute stuff but rarely do I find myself wearing it.  My closet has become full of what I would call a housewife’s wardrobe.

The majority of my laundry consists of sweats (Old Navy sweats are my favorite), t-shirts that are dated back to the pregnancy with my first child…not to mention they look even older after being washed and warn what seems like a gazillion times, and sweatshirts…the ones that I throw upon myself to rush to the grocery store.  Oh and lets not forget my lovely go to yoga pants…comfy doesn’t get any comfier then a washed and warn pair of yoga pants.  Unfortunately they have never seen the light of day of a yoga class.

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I have also found a love for cameos.  Nothing fancy, Kirkland brand from Costco.  But I wear them under EVERYTHING.  Sometimes I feel like it’s just one step closer to wearing “spanx”.  Although I just don’t see how something squeezing every ounce of cellulite could be anywhere near comfort. And where does all the fat go?  And what happens when you take it off?  Isn’t that kind of like false advertisement?  Like the wonder bra and wonder jeans, where one wonders what happened when they are removed.  Of course that only applies to people who are dating, I suppose.  As “married with children” women we have had everything on display already.

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Now mind you I have come a long way in motherhood with my wardrobe.  Long gone are the days that I would get dolled up to leave the house and inevitably one of the babies would spit up and I didn’t have time to change.  Nothing like sitting somewhere smelling like soured breast milk.

 

I complain to my husband about my wardrobe and of course he tells me to go out and buy some new clothes.  But for what? I don’t go anywhere that requires anything more then my current “mommy wear”.  And for our occasional date nights I have a few pairs of jeans and “nice” tshirts for those outings.  I mean seriously am I going to clean the house and attend to the children in fancy clothes?  I am sure there are mothers that do so but as for me I have never been much of a fashionista so why start now?  I would rather spend my money on something more rational…like wine.  **smiles**

 

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We live in a small town…you know the kind where some people can’t even get out of their pajama bottoms to go to the grocery store.  I am quite certain our local Wal-Mart is on a YouTube video somewhere.

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I have some really cute pajama pants but I am not about to wear them out in public…unless of course I don’t need to get out of the car…then it’s acceptable.  I say this because once my kids start school I know that I am going to be one of those mom’s dropping my kids off with my pajamas and slippers on.  I am NOT a morning person what so ever and the fact that I will have 3 of them to get ready at the crack of dawn, that just doesn’t leave time for me to worry about what I look like.

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Even at 10am this is what I still look like.

UPDATE:  I go to the gym after dropping off the kids these days so I am usually dressed the part…but on Fridays my littlest one doesn’t go to preschool so therefore the other two are dropped off with my pajamas on.  Don’t judge.  I don’t have to get out of the car.

I have also started hating to wear bras…mind you I will not go out in public without one on but as soon as I get home it’s the first thing to come off.  My “girls” don’t like to be all bunched up in a wad.  I mean could you imagine if men had penis bras?  Or had to go everywhere wearing a jock strap?  We would never hear the end of how uncomfortable that was.  Well I feel the same way about my boulder holder.  Therefore when I am home, it is off.  **feels sorry for the random people who come to the door**

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Truth is I am a stay at home mom/housewife and I enjoy dressing the part.  Let’s face it…who wouldn’t like to be able to go into work everyday with messy hair and comfy clothes?  My kids don’t care what I look like.  All they care about is that mommy is here to take care of their every need.  The only thing they notice is when I have morning breath and they tell me to brush my teeth.  My son tells me I am beautiful even when I look like a train wreck.  And lucky for me my husband likes the “natural” me.  Meaning a little eyeliner and mascara and although I have long hair it is usually up…and I am ok with it.  I am more comfortable with me now than I was in my younger years.  So to all you moms out there who wonder if your wardrobe has gotten a bit on the frumpy side just remember that as long as your kids are happy who cares if your shirt has a hole in it?

The “not so fashionista”,

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UPDATE:  I wrote this piece when I first started my blog.  I have since purchased some new clothes and actually because this year I made a decision that I was going to promise to myself to get in shape I will be purchasing some more clothes.  Something about losing weight and feeling healthy on the inside makes you want to look better on the outside.  But I still love my pajama days…which is usually only Sundays these days.

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The Drive Home

The other day I was telling someone this story and I decided that I must share with all you  readers the funny, but not so funny story about a certain drive home I had one time.

My husband used to work out-of-town, in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie little town called Ely, NV.  Look it up on the map.  It’s literally a town of 4,000 people as said by Wikipedia in 2015.  I have no clue where they get that number from because when I used to visit my husband there it literally felt like a ghost town.  They must be counting people’s pets as part of the population.

Sometimes, I would get the crazy notion to pile 3 babies in diapers, two young teenage boys, and our German Shepard Roxy in our then minivan, and make the five-hour trip up to see my husband.

Without Xanax or wine.

This one trip in particular was quite a memorable one.

We had made the trip up there just fine.  The afternoon that we left we decided to grab some food.  Now I am not sure if it was the food or we all, at the same time, got some kind of nausea bug.

First it hit one of the babies and so I pulled off the road to change the horrific ghastly sickening smell which was invading one of my babies diapers in the backseat.  I mean literally it smelled like someone had crapped on the dashboard right in front of me.

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Now of course there are no garbage cans on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, and I wasn’t about to be an ignorant fool and just throw the diaper into the desert, so I found a bag and placed the diaper in there.  And placed the bag back into the minivan.

Followed by several more, by all 3 babies, at all different times, throughout the day.

Then the bug hit me.  Like a bullet train.  And this 5 hour trip had already gone passed 5 hours and we still had over an hour to home.

No I didn’t shit my pants but there were a few times I thought I was going to have to pull over and throw-up, and the smell of all them grisly diapers sitting in a bag, somewhere in the minivan, and my dog’s stinky hot breath breathing on me, weren’t helping matters.

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Oh and did I happen to mention that it was like 120*F outside and so there was no rolling down the windows.  And have you ever changed a diaper that smells like something died 2 weeks ago in it, on the side of the road, in 120*F weather?  And could someone please tell me why minivans don’t come equipped with pop up changing tables?

To add to the driving nightmare we  ended up behind a line of traffic.  Now granted, they were all doing the speed limit but for me, that just wasn’t fast enough because I just wanted to GET HOME.

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So when it was safe, I decide to pass the 3 or 4 cars, driving at the speed limit, in front of me.  And of course I wanted to do this quickly so I think I was doing about 120 100 by the time I finally got around them.  Yes minivans can go that fast.

I was just passing them.  Of course I don’t do 100 mph on a regular basis with all my kids in the car.

And up ahead what should I see just as I am getting back over into my lane… not 1 but 2 COPS!

This just wasn’t my fucking day.

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As they passed me and I looked in my side mirror I saw them turn around and so I just pulled over.  Why continue to carry on acting as if you weren’t doing anything wrong and just waste more time.  Time I didn’t have.

And then I watched as all the other cars that I had passed, driving past me, eyeing me, and probably thinking to themselves…”ha ha you dumb bitch, that’s what you get for speeding”.

Because that’s exactly what I think when I see some asshole, whose speeding past me, and then having the delight of seeing them being pulled over up ahead.

The cops approach the car and while standing at my window, I roll it down.  There is no way that they couldn’t have gotten a whiff of what was lurking from the inside of my minivan.  I am actually quite surprised that they didn’t ask to see if I had a dead body in the back.

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Let’s just say they clocked my speed at about 60mph over the speed limit

They took one look inside, asked me for my license and registration, and then asked me where I was coming from and where I was headed.

I answered them in the nice way, but what I really wanted to do was tell them something smart ass like “Oh I am just out on a Sunday stroll with my 5 kids, the panting dog, and oh THIS BAG FULL OF SHITTY DIAPERS!”

And then puke on their shoes.

They must have known it had been a rough ride for me because they kindly gave me a warning to slow down, handed me back my license and registration, and let me go.

I was shocked.

We finally made it home safe and sound but I am quite certain that the smell of that bag full of shitty diapers was still lingering in that minivan when we traded it in.

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Surviving The First Day Of School

I wasn’t very happy when that alarm sounded at the crack of dawn.  And when I say “crack of dawn”  I mean like the light was barely coming through the blinds and the sun hadn’t come up over the mountain yet.

At first I didn’t know what the sound was.  I woke up thinking that one of my toddlers was surely going to be standing next to me with some new game they had wanted on their tablet making that hideous sound.   And just as I was about to tell them to turn it down I realized it was…

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and my alarm was going off.

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I don’t know what this guy is so upset about … 8:20 is sleeping in

It took me about 20 minutes to actually get out of my bed.  Took me 19 just to get my eyes to stay open.  As everyone is well aware…I hate mornings and truly believe that school should start at noon.

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So I got myself up and ready and then went to wake the dragons.  Two of the three woke just fine, but my little M is like her mommy and really wished that school started at noon too.  And she wasn’t very excited about starting kindergarten in a new school after attending the same preschool for the previous year and a half.

I went to the closet and reminded her that she had a new Spider-Man shirt to wear to school and she quickly jumped out of bed and hopped in the shower.

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The morning went smoothly.  Got everyone dressed, matching shoes and socks, hair combed, fed a good breakfast, lunches were packed and backpacks ready and out the door we went.

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Don’t think that it will be like this all year people, because eventually there will come a morning where they will be eating pop tarts in the car with their hair barely brushed and be lucky if anything at all is matching.  Don’t judge me.  That’s just what I refer to as #momlife and I have many moments of it.

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I thought that I might have a problem with my youngest, this year, being the only one being dropped off at daycare but she was super excited to go back to school and as soon as they said they had a new pet for the classroom she was off and running.  Sparkly light up shoes and all.  Never even looked back. *sheds tear*

Then it was off to the elementary school.  The chaos of the first day is just crazy.  Parents and kids everywhere.  I didn’t even try to get a close parking spot,  I parked up the street and my other 2 and I took a nice stroll.

Little M held my hand tight.  I knew she was so nervous.  Little B man of course zoomed like a pro.

I showed little M where she was supposed to line up and even got her to smile for the camera.  Something that she rarely does unless I catch her off guard.  The look on her face told me that she was going to be just fine.

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Around 2pm I started to get really tired.  Like tired enough that I felt like taking a nap…and I never nap.

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This is literally what I looked like sitting in my chair…I haven’t shaved in a while.

 

And when I went to pick up the kids I realized that I had gone the entire day (including making it to the gym) without any CAFFEINE!  WTF?!?!?!

I was so busy that morning running around like a maniac that I had actually forgotten to consume any caffeine.  What mother in her right mind does that?  Yes, I know, I must not be in my right mind…news flash there.

So needless to say, it was too late in the day to consume any at this point and when 8pm rolled around, and I put the kids to bed, I crawled into bed too.

The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 9:30pm.  And I survived the first day of school without ever having a sip of caffeine.  GO FUCKING ME!🙋🏻

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