National More Herbs Less Salt Day

In the past I have written quite a few articles about the benefits of herbs. ¬†You can read about them here¬†… here¬†…and here.

It just so happens that today is also the day that I have decided to get back on track once again.  For some reason I am just never very good at sticking to my weight loss goals during the summer months.  But I am happy to say that this summer, due to all the activity it has brought,  I have managed to only gain back 10 of the 28 pounds that I lost at the beginning of the year.

I keep falling off the horse but the important part is that I keep dusting myself off and getting back on. ¬†And on and on and on….

falling off the horse exericise
I have missed Zumba tremendously! ¬†And probably would have stuck with it had the room, in which it is performed, didn’t get to be 100*F by May. ¬† I prefer to have a cold enviroment to work out in which is why on most 32*F mornings you will catch me out walking the neighborhood.

So as it being National More Herbs Less Salt Day, what a better day to start my health and fitness goals up again.  I said that 2016 was going to be my year and I still have 4 months to go.  I know that I can do this.

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I have got the FitBit all charged up and ready and as soon as I drop the kids off for their first day of school this mama is off to the gym.  Now I will do good all week with my eating habits and no alcohol but come the weekend, we are attending a Red Sox baseball game where yes I will be indulging in clam chowder served in a sourdough bread bowl and consuming large amounts of beer.  And that will be my last hoorah with alcohol for 30 days.

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Yeah I wish I looked this good as a hot mess

I am going to find a 30 day cleanse and stick to it. ¬†This will include a lot of smoothies with a lot of herbs in them. ¬†I was just in the garden last night picking fresh spinach and basil. ¬†Basil grows like a weed in case anyone is interested. ¬†I cleaned out my garden beds at the beginning of spring. ¬†Broke up all the soil. ¬†And even put some new soil in there and the basil from last year…CAME BACK!

Here’s to getting on a health kick once again….(to be continued)

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Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

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Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

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I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. ūüėāūüė≥  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

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No One’s Perfect,

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National Dog Day

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Today is National Dog Day. ¬†Yep that’s right…a national day dedicated to the extended family furry canine hound mongrel dog¬†friend we call a pet.

We have a wonderful German Shepard named Roxy. ¬†And when I say she is wonderful that is probably an understatement for she endures pure torture from my 4-year-old DAILY!National Dog Day Roxy German Shepard Just last week my said 4-year-old dressed the poor dog up in this contraption. ¬†I am baffled where she found a matching pair of socks as I can’t find a matching pair to save my life!

Roxy was given to us by my dad because he had 3 dogs and 2 of them (one being Roxy) wouldn’t get along. ¬†I was glad it was Roxy he was willing to give up, because I wouldn’t have taken the other dog. ¬†She was dumber than a box of rocks and I swear must have been a pig dressed in a dog uniform. ¬†She ate more than my 5 kids put together.

Roxy was originally a pound puppy who apparently came from a family who fell on hard times and couldn’t keep her. ¬†But for me, she has been the best dog I have ever had…and I have had a lot of dogs.

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She loves my kids like a second mother. ¬†She sleeps with them, lies on them, and if they’re outside in the yard, so is she. ¬†Like she is watching over them to make sure they are safe. ¬†It can be 100*F out there and she will lay her ass somewhere and wait until they come inside.

Now granted, even though the 4-year-old loves to torment poor Roxy she is also always sneaking her little hand in the treat bag and let’s just say that Roxy is never in a lack of 10-15 treats a day. ¬†And if anyone forgets to give her a treat well she will stare at you for whatever length of time it takes, until you finally pay attention to her neediness.

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“Are you going to give me my treat or am I just going to have to sit here batting my eyes at you for hours???”

She also loves to claw get your attention with her paw. ¬†This will usually end up resulting in a scar where ever she has decided to do this. ¬†If you are playing and run…you better run fast because her and her vicious claws paws will come in contact with whatever bare skin you have exposed. ¬†Fuck the teeth…look out for my dog’s nails!

I have thought of painting them a time or 12.

Most days she can be found sleeping on the couch or any varations of beds in the house.  She has a dog pillow which my kids use more of as a pillow than she does.  I think I have seen her laying on it maybe twice in the 5 years we have had her.  And if you are in her spot on the couch she will lay on top of you until you either move or she farts and makes you move.

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Yeah, we usually blame it on Frank around here too! ūüėāūüėāūüėā

So if you have a dog then remember to make sure to give him or her that extra attention today for today is their day…National Dog Day.

Could I get A National Fucking Momster Day over here???

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Currently Taking Applications For A Clone Of Myself

Have any of you ever thought how wonderful it would be if you could clone yourself? ¬†Like Michael Keaton did in the movie “Multiplicity“. ¬†If you haven’t ever seen it I highly recommend it for a good laugh. ¬†Below is one of my favorite scenes from the movie.

Lately I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day to ever get done what I want or NEED to get done.  Not to mention I NEED sleep and anything less than 6 hours just makes for me to be a complete crotch twat bitch grumpy ass zombie gif

I have tried putting myself on schedules…even writing them down to try to help me stick to them and inevitably, almost daily, something comes along that puts a quirk in my plan.

I am running around so crazy that I went to the store to get my daughters kindergarten supplies and grabbed the sheet for the wrong school. ¬†Needless to say it takes too much time to return or exchange the stuff so I will just go get the items I don’t have and put the rest in our craft supplies. ¬†And then proceed to face plant my head into a tree.

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Below is a copy of the daily routine I am about to endure come Monday.

6am – alarm will go off. ¬†Now this of course doesn’t mean that I will jump out of bed at that very moment. ¬†This is just a reminder that the crazy chaos is getting ready to start.

Between the time I tear myself from the comfort of my favorite bed, set my feet on the floor, and 7:40am I will have gotten 4 kids up (granted one is a teen and can get himself up and ready but there are times he doesn’t hear his alarm clock), dressed, fed, lunches made, and then drive to 3 different schools, dropping the last two off by 8am.

By 8:15 I hope to be getting my workout on!  And until 11:30, when I pick up my youngest from preschool, having the freedom to get done whatever NEEDS to get done, that is just easier, without having any children in tow.

Now granted, I am looking forward that I will only have one child this year from 11:30 to 3. ¬† ONE CHILD! ¬† I don’t even know what that resembles. ¬†I don’t even remember what it was like before I had children….oh wait….yes I do….

partying before kids single

 

I have signed all the littles up for soccer this year, my oldest made varsity football, and my littlest little will also be doing tumbling. ¬†She decided she wanted to try it instead of ballet but has informed me that if she doesn’t like it, then she will want to return to ballet. ¬†My husband also wants to put them all in Tae Kwon Do. ¬†“Sure honey let me just pencil that in right between brink of insanity and straight jacket.”.

I’m just kidding…who doesn’t love a full plate? ¬†*picks mind up off the floor*

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I will be attending 3 different soccer practices on three different days Tues, Wed, and Thurs, and then tumbling on Fridays. ¬†Game schedules haven’t been posted yet but I am quite certain I will be running from field to field on Saturdays and of course Friday night high school football games. ¬†AND trying to attend some of the out-of-town games since we live in a rural area and they travel to other towns for away games.

And somewhere in here I will need to find the energy to have sex with my husband.  This is where a clone WOULD BE GREAT!  And of course for other various chores like housework and laundry.

I think I just referred to having sex with my husband as a chore.  Ooooops.  *smirks*

AND FINDING TIME TO BLOG!!!

So if anyone is interested, I am currently taking applications for a clone of myself.  Pass me it around.

Thanks In Advance,

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How You Know It’s Time For The Kids To Go Back To School

I don’t know about you but I am counting down the minutes seconds days for my little ones to go back to school.

I remember that I couldn’t wait for school to be out and not have to wake up to an alarm clock or rush around like a psychopath mad woman to get the kids up, dressed, fed, and off to three different schools.

We had all these summer vacations and fun plans and memories to make.   Well now here it is almost the middle of August and I am DONE with them being home all day. *pulls hair out*

And here is a list of reasons why:

*My wine budget has far exceeded any Christmas budget we have ever had.

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*The liquor cabinet is on rations. ¬†Sometimes wine doesn’t cut it so I have had to get into the hard stuff. ¬†Sometimes this is before noon.

*I have heard the word mommy, mom, mama, and mother so many times that I am contemplating changing my name to bitch so that they can’t call me by my name.

*If we are stuck in the house it’s like a prison sentence. ¬†There is only so much patience that I have left for crafts, teaching, and anything else that doesn’t involve technology. ¬†Have you ever tried doing crafts with 3 little people? It takes longer to get everything out and ready and to clean up the mess, then we spend on actually doing the craft. ¬†Plus I have had to use some of the craft supplies budget to add to the wine budget. ¬†Don’t judge me.


*It’s hot outside and the summer toys have lost their lustre. ¬†Hell, they were bored with those 2 weeks into the summer holiday. ¬†*misses the days of having a pool* ¬†The outside cement has been decorated so many times with sidewalk chalk that when the dog lays in it she’s 10 different shades of color when she gets up. ¬†My children have also discovered that chalk and water makes for great paint. ¬†They will lay in it and then make little human body prints everywhere. ¬†This is usually right after I have given them a shower. ¬†Now I just play mommy dearest and they get the hose.

*I play referee more times in one day than an NFL professional referee does in an entire season of football. ¬†God for bid one of them destroys something on the others Minecraft bullshit. ¬†You would think that the actual house was on fire and all it is, is a video game that I still can’t understand their obsession with.

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*I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex that didn’t qualify as a quickie in the shower. ¬†You know the whole “Mommy and daddy are going to go get dressed ¬†now so don’t come knock on the door 5 gazillion times tattling or asking for something” routine. ¬†And then you lock the door and pray that they don’t unlock it…because yes, my kids know how to do that with a toothpick!

*I am trying to get them back into an early to bed routine. ¬†The. struggle. is. real. and some nights I just give up and go to bed myself in hopes they won’t kill each other destroy something while I’m sleeping.

*I need to get back to the gym and I would like to have time to write a blog post without 1,000 interruptions. ¬†Oh and did I mention my hair is falling out…or maybe that’s from me actually tugging on it several times throughout the day.

*I miss my alone time and can gradually feel my sanity slipping away. ¬†I just might have to take money from the school supplies budget to hold me over on the wine since I still have 22 days to go. ¬†*rolls her eyes as far back into her head as they can go* They don’t need new shoes right? ¬†I can just cut holes in the ends of the old ones. ¬†Again don’t judge me.

drinking wine humor

Counting the days to getting my sanity back,

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Throwback Thursday ~ 25 Things That Piss Me Off

I wrote this post about a year ago and realize that all these things still annoy me and I could probably add to the list but I will just make a Part 3 instead.  But I have chosen this post for my Throwback Thursday pick!

 

Things That Piss Me Off Mad Anger Annoying

Another 25 things that really put me in a tizzy…you can see the first 25 here.

People at bars these days…did I act that stupid when I was young?

People In Bars Things That Piss Me Off

When my little monsters decide that they want to nap at 5 in the evening and then stay up half the night.

Anything relating to cleaning. ¬†I usually just turn on an episode of “Hoarders” and then realize that my house looks just fine.

Heartburn.

The Raiders football team along with The Chiefs and The Chargers.

My husband’s smoking. ¬†Although he is in the process of quitting.

(UPDATE: ¬†He quit for a minute and has finally realized that he can’t casually smoke while drinking, he started Chantix again yesterday…let’s keep our fingers¬†crossed that it sticks this time)

The 1st of the month at Wal-Mart.  Have you ever been to Wal-Mart on the 1st of the month?  I would highly suggest NOT doing it.

When I order food and they get it wrong. ¬†I never complain about it either cause I am afraid they will take it back and spit in it….I do however leave a reflection of it in my tip. ¬†I have also been known to leave notes on the backs of my receipts to let them know why their tip wasn’t more. ¬†And if you are ever mad about an order from a fast food establishment…call the corporate office and complain! ¬†They will send you coupons for FREE stuff!

When a TV show that I love either ends or gets canceled for no reason!  This is especially true when I watch a first season of something and LOVE it and then it never gets a second season.  And I am just left dangling about what happened.  So annoying!

Pissed Off My Show Was Cancelled

When the temperature gets over 100 degrees.  Anything over 100 is just plain hot, hot, hot!

When I am out of wine vodka whiskey beer booze.  This is a shitty bad situation for all of those around me as well.

Recently my neighbors have made me mad asking that my husband and I keep it down in our own backyard.  And it was just the two of us!

Getting old.  My mind says I am 20 something but my body has a tendency to tell me otherwise.

When I spend precious time watching a horrible movie.  I feel like it is just such a waste of my time.

Bored Pissed Off

When I forget to take said movie back to Redox and end up paying way too much for it.  That really irritates me!

Toys!  Everywhere there are toys!  Because some days I am just too fucking preoccupied busy to constantly tell the kids to pick up their toys.

Stepping On A Lego Toys

Trying to think about “What’s for dinner” every single day!

Sticky floors.  Especially summertime when Watermelon is in season and popsicles.

When someone asks me the same question that I already answered a few times before.  My husband is notorious for this.

Liars. ¬†I can’t stand people who lie. ¬†Especially when the truth was so much easier to tell rather then a snowball of lies.

Solicitors. ¬†I even have a “No Soliciting” sign on my front door and those beepity beep beep beepers still ring my doorbell. ¬†Which then rally’s up the kids and my nerves!

PMS.  Probably the cause of this entire rant!

Whirlpool Corporation.  You can read all about that story here.  I am actually surprised it took me this long to mention them.

(UPDATE: ¬†After all the fuss I made and being blocked from their Twitter, they did finally replace the part at their own cost…it now sits in my garage as a back-up washer.)

Every time that something in my house breaks.  I mean what happened to shit lasting?  Nothing is made right anymore.  Yes I realize I have a large family but seriously so were most of the families I knew growing up and they had shit that lasted for d-e-c-a-d-e-s!

When my kids keep getting up after I have put them to bed. ¬†I have a great story about that here. ¬†Make sure you watch the video narrated by Samuel L. Jackson. ¬†It’s hilarious but make sure your kids aren’t in “ear” distance. ¬†The F-bomb is said….A LOT!

Yours Truly,

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Why Are Parents Beating Ourselves Up Over Not Spending Enough Time With Our Kids?

Lately I have seen a lot of blog posts in regards to parents beating ourselves up over not spending enough time with our kids.

The truth is there isn’t enough time in the day to do everything that we “wish” we could accomplish. ¬†This includes spending ample time with our children. ¬†And quite honestly what is the perfect ample time amount?

Kids grow fast, life passes by without us noticing sometimes.  Like one minute we are sipping on pumpkin lattes and the next we are sun-kissing our bodies in the middle of summer.  And in that short amount of time our kids are getting bigger and we, *gasps*, are getting older.

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So why are we beating ourselves up over whether or not we are spending enough time with our kids?

Ask yourself at the end of the day ~

Did my child eat today?  Even if it was Top Ramen with a side of canned fruit.

Was my child clothed today? No one says your children have to look like they just walked out of a kids fashion boutique. ¬†You can put clean clothes on the kids in the morning and before noon it looks like they have been in them for a week. ¬†KIDS ARE FILTHY CREATURES. ¬†And they don’t care that their clothes are dirty so why should we? ¬†Why should we change their clothes every time they get dirty just to make more laundry for ourselves? ¬†I say hell yes to pajama days!

Did I give my child love and affection sometime throughout the day? ¬†Just a hug and an “I love you” goes a long way.

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Did I sacrifice something for them today? ¬†Even if that entails not finishing a cup of coffee because in the midst of trying to drink said cup of coffee you have now refereed 3 arguments, a meltdown, hearing “STOOOOOOP” for the 100th time, and cleaned some kind of spilled food off any given surface. ¬†**takes sip of said coffee, it’s cold, debates re-heating it in the microwave when another crisis erupts**

Did I get upset or irritated at them at least once today? ¬†Yep, that’s right…if you aren’t getting upset with your kids at least once a day then you’re not doing it right. ¬†We are PARENTS. ¬†That means getting upset and fixing the situation by disciplining your kids is called PARENTING. ¬†There’s too many parents trying to be their kids best friends and that’s partly to blame why we have youth that are out of control.

Does my kid have a warm, safe place to sleep? ¬†A blanket and pillow on the floor is good. ¬†Why you ask? ¬†Because that’s where they fell asleep and I will be damned if I am going to wake the little trolls up. ¬†**sips wine**

bad parenting raising kids right

Did I spend quality time with my child today? ¬†This doesn’t mean that you have to pay attention to them every waking moment. ¬†Smothering them in attention just makes them grow up NEEDING constant attention. ¬† It’s ok to have time for yourself and let them fry their brains watching YouTube videos. ¬†It’s ok to TAKE A SHOWER with the door locked! ¬†It’s ok to feel like you are about to lose your mind so you put them to bed an hour early, pour yourself a cocktail, and wash the daily grind off in a nice bubble bath.

It simply means that you took time in the day to take care of their needs…2 maybe 3 dozen times…and enjoyed these tiny little lives that you created.

Truth is, unless you are just completely absent and someone else is raising your kids for you…as long as you are present and doing everything you “humanly” can to take care of them then you’re spending plenty of time with them. ¬†Give yourself a big pat on the back.

Below are some examples of bad parenting…

bad parenting raising kids right
I am quite certain that pissing on your kids head is not real good parenting.

 

bad parenting raising kids right
Please take note that this is not keeping your child safe.

 

bad parenting raising kids right
This looks like a 70’s circa picture where this would still be considered bad parenting…even if the gun wasn’t loaded.

 

Kids are kids and actually very simple little creatures to make happy.  Does parenting take a lot of effort? Hell yes it does! Some days it sucks the life right out of you and some days you just want to smother them to death with your uncontrollable, unconditional love for them.

One day you’re looking at them wondering where the time has gone and the next you are anxiously waiting for them to get the fu*k out of the house so you can turn their room into a sex chamber for you and the spouse hobby area.

bad parenting raising kids right

They are going to grow up regardless of how much or how little time you are spending with them. ¬†There is no perfect amount. ¬†It’s what works for you and keeps you from going completely crazy and sometimes you aren’t going to have a choice but to spend every waking moment with them because you are their parents and that is your job.

bad parenting raising kids right

But this doesn’t mean sacrifice your sanity or beat yourself up because you decided to take 2 hours out of the day to yourself. ¬†Hell I have taken almost entire days sometimes. ¬†I just make sure I am loaded up on activities that they can entertain themselves with. ¬†That don’t require any help from me to carry out.

It’s not being a bad parent or not spending enough time…it’s being HUMAN!

From one crazy, tired, stressed, happy, loving parent to another,

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