Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

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Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

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Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

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I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

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Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

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Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

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Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. ūüėāūüė≥  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

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And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

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No One’s Perfect,

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Currently Taking Applications For A Clone Of Myself

Have any of you ever thought how wonderful it would be if you could clone yourself? ¬†Like Michael Keaton did in the movie “Multiplicity“. ¬†If you haven’t ever seen it I highly recommend it for a good laugh. ¬†Below is one of my favorite scenes from the movie.

Lately I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day to ever get done what I want or NEED to get done.  Not to mention I NEED sleep and anything less than 6 hours just makes for me to be a complete crotch twat bitch grumpy ass zombie gif

I have tried putting myself on schedules…even writing them down to try to help me stick to them and inevitably, almost daily, something comes along that puts a quirk in my plan.

I am running around so crazy that I went to the store to get my daughters kindergarten supplies and grabbed the sheet for the wrong school. ¬†Needless to say it takes too much time to return or exchange the stuff so I will just go get the items I don’t have and put the rest in our craft supplies. ¬†And then proceed to face plant my head into a tree.

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Below is a copy of the daily routine I am about to endure come Monday.

6am – alarm will go off. ¬†Now this of course doesn’t mean that I will jump out of bed at that very moment. ¬†This is just a reminder that the crazy chaos is getting ready to start.

Between the time I tear myself from the comfort of my favorite bed, set my feet on the floor, and 7:40am I will have gotten 4 kids up (granted one is a teen and can get himself up and ready but there are times he doesn’t hear his alarm clock), dressed, fed, lunches made, and then drive to 3 different schools, dropping the last two off by 8am.

By 8:15 I hope to be getting my workout on!  And until 11:30, when I pick up my youngest from preschool, having the freedom to get done whatever NEEDS to get done, that is just easier, without having any children in tow.

Now granted, I am looking forward that I will only have one child this year from 11:30 to 3. ¬† ONE CHILD! ¬† I don’t even know what that resembles. ¬†I don’t even remember what it was like before I had children….oh wait….yes I do….

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I have signed all the littles up for soccer this year, my oldest made varsity football, and my littlest little will also be doing tumbling. ¬†She decided she wanted to try it instead of ballet but has informed me that if she doesn’t like it, then she will want to return to ballet. ¬†My husband also wants to put them all in Tae Kwon Do. ¬†“Sure honey let me just pencil that in right between brink of insanity and straight jacket.”.

I’m just kidding…who doesn’t love a full plate? ¬†*picks mind up off the floor*

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I will be attending 3 different soccer practices on three different days Tues, Wed, and Thurs, and then tumbling on Fridays. ¬†Game schedules haven’t been posted yet but I am quite certain I will be running from field to field on Saturdays and of course Friday night high school football games. ¬†AND trying to attend some of the out-of-town games since we live in a rural area and they travel to other towns for away games.

And somewhere in here I will need to find the energy to have sex with my husband.  This is where a clone WOULD BE GREAT!  And of course for other various chores like housework and laundry.

I think I just referred to having sex with my husband as a chore.  Ooooops.  *smirks*

AND FINDING TIME TO BLOG!!!

So if anyone is interested, I am currently taking applications for a clone of myself.  Pass me it around.

Thanks In Advance,

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