Tips That Men Can Impress Their Ladies With On National Boyfriend’s Day

I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures.  I am however here to perhaps help those of you morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub or hold those male crown jewels.

In this day and age if you want to get sex something ¬†you need to give woo something. ¬†Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazy¬† psycho grumpy¬† mom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.

National Boyfriend's Day

Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA. ¬†How lucky for them. ¬†And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.

Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies. ¬†In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.

*A note taped to the mirror. ¬†It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note. ¬†You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.

*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady. ¬†It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway. ¬†But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some. ¬†If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!

*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it. ¬†Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym. ¬†Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.

*Give a compliment. ¬†Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”. ¬†It’s at least a compliment. ¬†Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments. ¬† We just like to feel appreciated. ¬†Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.

*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time. ¬†Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES. ¬†And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper. ¬†Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason? ¬†The world would end. ¬† So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead. ¬†Say something funny. ¬† Kiss her favorite spot. ¬†Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.

National Boyfriend's Day Tips

*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice. ¬†If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go. ¬†Or do something out of the ordinary. ¬†And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame. ¬†Lame. Lame. Lame. ¬†You don’t deserve a woman.

*Give her some time to herself. ¬†Draw her a bubble bath. ¬†Pour her a glass of her favorite poison. ¬†Put on some of her favorite music. ¬†Light some candles. ¬†THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM! ¬†Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing. ¬†And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit. ¬†Check to see if she needs a refill. ¬†Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned. ¬†Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed. ¬†And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.

*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to. ¬†There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to. ¬†Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.

Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures. ¬†It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA. ¬†We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch. ¬†You think we choose to be this way? ¬†You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy? ¬†The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.

National Boyfriend's Day

And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either. ¬†There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you. ¬†But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back. ¬†Complaining about it does nothing. ¬†Action does.

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Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

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Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

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Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

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I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

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Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

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Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

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Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. ūüėāūüė≥  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

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And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

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No One’s Perfect,

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National Couples Appreciation Month

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April is National Couples Appreciation Month. ¬†So if you haven’t let your other half know how much you want to kill them appreciate them in awhile…then sometime this month is your chance.

My husband and I have been together since November of 2008, after meeting on the internet.¬†¬†It didn’t take us long to become inseparable. ¬†The fact that he could make me laugh ALL THE TIME is what attracted me to him the most. ¬†He’s not bad to look at either. ¬†*wink wink* ¬†I mean who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who was brave enough to show off “the goat” after about a week of dating.

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Now I am sure you are wondering what “the goat” is right? ¬†And I even tried to find an image of it on the internet with no success. ¬†Basically it has to do with a man being naked and then tucking his balls between his legs and mooning you. ¬†I was tempted to have my husband demonstrate his lovely talent but I don’t want to scare anyone. ¬†But if you are laughing right now, then you have obviously painted a picture in your head and we are good!

Moving on….

We have been through a lot of ups and downs throughout the years, just like any relationship. ¬†But I can honestly say that the ups still outweigh the downs tremendously. ¬†We are both stubborn as hell which doesn’t help when we find some ridiculous thing to argue about like who’s better at driving or who takes longer to get ready for a date night. ¬†But through it all I have come to realize that no matter what…he’s the one person in this world who has and always will have my back. ¬†Who has seen me at my worst and still managed not to run for the hills to keep on loving me.

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating

I know I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate him. ¬†I think we both just get busy with daily life sometimes and forget that this life we have built starts with the strong foundation we created…us. ¬†We both work hard to provide love and stability for our family.

We recently had the pleasure of spending an entire week together, on vacation, with no kids. ¬†The best part about the vacation was that I realized the foundation is still here…even with all the cracks and all the wear and tear it’s still just as strong, if not stronger, than the first day we met. ¬†Or should I say, since the first day he showed me “the goat”?

Have you appreciated your other half lately?

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Guest Post ~ Are You Dating A Man Child?

I was contacted by the lovely Tracey Clayton quite some time ago about agreeing to hostess a guest post from her on my blog. ¬†I have never done a guest post before, but thought to myself…sure why not? ¬†Then the holidays came and somewhere in the midst of hundreds of emails…her guest post got lost.

Well I am happy to say that I found it and without further a-do…here is her thoughts on “Are You Dating A Man Child?”.

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Are you dating a man or a man-child?

Men are curious creatures. It takes time for a boy to become a man. But when we perceive our partner as a man, and he turns out to be more of a boy, than we have a man-child on our hands. inner child man humor And although having a playful man, who is in touch with his inner-child, can really spice-up the relationship, having an immature person take up your time and effort is extremely exhausting. That’s why you should always look for signs in his behavior whether or not he is a keeper.

Manning -Up to Commitment

A good relationship implies that you both grow together and as individuals. Ladies night out is always a nice change of pace for any woman, it goes the same for guys. But, if things are reversed and he only has room for you, when his boys are unavailable, then you are dealing with a man who fears commitment. A quality man always sets his priorities towards you, knowing that you are okay with him going out with his friends, but only once in a while.

Is Mother Best Really?

When it comes to the relationship with his mother, watch out for signs of a mama’s boy. If he had no independence, and mom was the one to do everything well into his manhood, then he’s still a teen at best. And you should be careful, since you are surely going to be compared to her. Everything from your cooking, cleaning, clothes, and even looks (hair included!), will be a topic for comparison. Not only that, but there’s a realistic chance that he will want to pass his mother’s role down to you. And if you don’t want to be treated as second best, and be the only adult in the relationship, moving on may be the right coarse of action.

A Financial Rock

I don’t know about you, but I like my men strong, and financially independent. This means two things: he is successful, and he has a budget to live by. With no strings attached, both of us can share in on adventures, caring more about the time we spend with each other, than who will pick up the check.financial independence men humor It’s perfectly fine for me to treat my man once in a while to a couple of drinks, or a great meal, but when I end up paying for everything, every time, then it is time to sit down, and have a serious talk.

Clothes Make a Man

Every girl is crazy about sharp dressed men. No matter how great your man is on the inside, a mature man always reflects his confidence on the outside as well. And it’s okay to have a personal style, but torn jeans, stained and wrinkled shirts, messed up and greasy hair, are not a style. They are signs that he has no clue how to take care of himself. And when he cannot take care of himself, you have to wonder can he take care of you?

Still a Teen?

Acting your age is always an issue. We all want to go back to the wild days when we stayed out partying until dawn. But if he still has a fear of missing out, and drinking himself silly every single weekend, then he is definitely a man-child. Thinking that a lazy Saturday home with you, a quiet evening in your favorite restaurant is ludicrous, just doesn’t do it for me.man-child video games men humor Time has stopped for him, and he is still in his teens. Furthermore, he should be aware that how he acts reflects on you as well. So, if you go out together and he makes a fool out of himself, he is making a fool out of you too. Just something to take into consideration.

Expressing Their Feelings

There is nothing sexier and more alluring to women than a man bursting with self-confidence. Right? But there is a line when over-confidence and not expressing your feelings merge into immaturity. The key to a well-balanced and long-term relationship is respect. A mature man should be confident enough to know, recognize, and express his feeling. If he doesn’t, well that just means that he has a sturdy facade, but nothing to show for it on the inside.

Boys and Their Toys

There is nothing wrong in having a playful, youthful side to our individual personalities. We all used to collect something when we were kids, and in some men that inner-child is more active. men toys bobble heads humorIf your partner likes collecting popular Davey boys toys bobbleheads, Star Wars action figures, Marvel comic books or insane amounts of records, that just means he is passionate about it. And passion is great! Just make sure that his passion for you comes first. After all, you should be his favorite play thing!

In the end, remember when seeking out a partner to be certain of his emotional stability. His character should sweep you off your feet, and not make you faint. He should make the same amount of effort and commitment into the relationship as you. If he doesn’t and his childishness is overwhelming, think of your happiness, and move on.

 

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About The Author:

Tracey Clayton is a full time mom of three girls. She loves cooking, baking, sewing, spending quality time with her daughters and she‚Äôs passionate for writing. Her motto is: ‚ÄúLive the life you love, love the life you live.‚ÄĚ Find her on Facebook.

~National Men’s Grooming Day~

National Mens Grooming #manscaping

Attention ladies and gentlemen!

Today is National Men’s Grooming Day! ¬†Other synonyms are: brush, comb, tidy, shave, preen, primp, prepare, prime, man-scape the lady zone… and get ready to get down to business!

Get out your razors, shavers, blades, knives, and tweezers and get to grooming that unwanted, visual from the eyes of your wife/girlfriend/one-night-stand moon, man fur!

Not been keeping up on it?  Yet you scurry at the thought of rubbing up against the hairy leg of your partner?

Hello! Chubacca called and wants his hair back. ¬†Oh and speaking of back…if you have too much of it there…GET THAT SHIT WAXED! ¬†No one wants to lay down with a wooly mammoth. ¬†Well maybe there are some that prefer it that way but I am willing to bet that most of us do not.

Please Note: It’s not National Steak and BJ Day

This Has Been A Pubic Public Service Announcement,

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Steak and BJ Day?

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It’s that time of year again so I thought I would share an oldie with a few little updates.

What is this you speak of? ¬†You mean that time of year has come again already? ¬†Seems like just yesterday you…my dear husband…were muttering those same words to me.

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Seriously who thought of this idea?  Obviously someone with a penis and a lack of iron.

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I guess next year I will have to try to remember to put it on my calendar…”hey siri…please remind me that March 14, 2017 is steak and BJ day and that I need to plan a-head….literally”. ¬†Buy wait…I don’t need reminding for I have you my dear husband who starts talking about it months before.

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This post has been getting a serious amount of hits the last week but pretty much daily it gets looked at. ¬†Below is just today’s stats and it’s only 8:44am in the US right now

Steak And BJ Day March 14 humor stats domesticated momster

Oh…by the way…March 15th is chocolate cake and massage day for women! ¬†So make sure you put that one on your calendars guys!!! ¬†And don’t mutter the phrase “That’s Valentine’s Day”. ¬†I for one don’t care about Valentine’s Day dear husband.

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Marriage Is A Real Eye Opener

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As little girls we grow up watching all those romantic fairytales where prince charming shows up with a shoe that fits just right or that kiss that wakes the princess from a deep long sleep. ¬†I don’t know about you but I have yet in my 41 years of life to have ever met or known anyone of the opposite sex who meets any of that fairytale “Mr. Right” criteria.

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I have been married for over 6 years but together for almost 7. ¬†Not sure if we are experiencing the 7 year itch but our fairytale is more like “The War Of The Roses” at times. (At times meaning every once in awhile not all the time) ¬†Fuck the glass slipper ¬†because I wear flip flops and if I am sleeping please oh please do not wake me up. ¬†And now as adults all the animated movies from our childhoods have been replaced by movies that are so out of touch from reality. ¬†You all know which ones I am talking about where “Mr. Right” always has the perfect things to say and does all the right gestures. ¬†I mean let’s face it…what man in his unemotional right mind is going to write 365 letters to the same woman? ¬†Or hire a prostitute and then show up to rescue her from the cruel world? ¬†Don’t get me wrong I love a good romance but they are so delusional.

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In real life there are ups and downs in every relationship. ¬†In the beginning it is all fresh and new and the butterflies are fluttering and everything smells good, tastes good, feels somehow superior to how you felt before “that person” came into your life. ¬†Time goes by and you both get comfortable…both put on a few pounds…and everything that was once so perfect and indestructible is now a pile of rubbish. ¬†((picks a piece of the rubbish up and clips it to the fridge reminding herself to work on that particular aspect of her relationship)) ¬†Over time (some less then others) you both decide it is time to either take the plunge or run for the hills.

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once again prince charming doesn’t exist

In walks marriage…

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They say love is blind but I have found that marriage is a true eye opener. ¬†It’s something that needs to be polished from time to time like fine silver. ¬†You can’t just put it in a box somewhere and think that it’s going to be pretty and shiny when you need to use it. ¬†True couples disagree with one another and argue…some even argue just to make up. ¬†And the couples who say they never fight are LYING!!! ¬†And I don’t trust them. ¬†I am a true believer that slight disagreements from time to time are healthy for a relationship. ¬†I mean who wants to just agree to avoid an argument all the time? ¬†Not this girl…I have tried that and ended up only hurting myself. ¬†I am a person of expression and when you make me mad I stand up and let you know. ¬†And when you make me sad, I cry. ¬†Needless to say this doesn’t always go over well with my husband who is one that really doesn’t like to argue and he has no clue as to how to handle crying. ¬†But he is also one who thinks he is right about everything and no one has a word in otherwise.

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Now as a woman there is once a month that I become somewhat impaired emotionally. ¬†Oh who am I kidding…I become a complete crazy and emotional bitch!!!

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My emotions are everywhere and even though I know and he knows that it’s pms.jpg~c200¬†time….neither of us can control it. ¬†Which brings me back to the fairytales…they never mentioned anything about PMS in the fairytales I grew up on. ¬†Maybe they should have had Cinderella miss the dance because she was home with a heating pad and a bottle of ibuprofen and when prince charming showed up he should have brought chocolates.

Now bring kids into the equation…¬†

Kids change the entire dynamic of a relationship.  Being selfish is not an option anymore.  You must work harder at the relationship because there are little people relying on you to stay together.  Walking away is not an option.  Well unless you are just so completely miserable that staying together would be a lethal dose of amalgamation.  Then by all means do your kids and yourself a favor and get out!  But if your relationship is worth fighting for then fight for it.  It takes two to make it work or to watch it fall apart.  Nothing is 50/50.  Give 100% of yourself.  And always remember that if you think the grass is greener on the other side then try watering your own grass.

This has been a public service announcement via,

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