You quit your job thinking that no one could raise your kids better then yourself. At first it’s an exciting new adventure thinking you get to sleep without setting an alarm and spend every waking moment with your new little one/ones. You plan out how your days will be spent and what activities you will be doing…you got this right? Wrong.
1. The Up-D0. You roll out of bed and find the closest piece of hair gear that will keep all your ball of tangled mess in one place. All while taking the least amount of effort as possible. I don’t care who you are…no one wakes up looking like a movie star.
2. You think about getting dressed. But then realize you aren’t going anywhere today so decide
fuck it who cares what I look like. You also justify this to yourself by thinking about how it will cut down on the quantity of laundry you have to do. This applies to the children as well.
3. A shower becomes last on your list of things to do. This also applies to shaving any part of your body. Your husband awakens in the middle of the night because he just had a dream of Chewbacca from
“wanting to cuddle” only to realize it’s you in your coat of human fur caressing up against him. You sniff your armpits and down the front of your shirt to confirm that there will be no midnight quickie tonight. The next day you realize you need to tend to the Boob sweat, which is just simply cleaned away with a wipey and some fresh deodorant keeps the BO at bay.
4. The make-up in your caddy becomes expired. Gone are the days of having oodles of time to get your face paint looking just right. Now it’s rub off the mascara that’s under your eyes after going to bed without washing it off and it then becomes new eyeliner…then apply fresh mascara. Easy Peasy right? Don’t forget to
rub some vaseline on your lips while tending to the baby’s diaper rash apply lipgloss. Here’s a great video by Jesse James Decker on how to get the “dewey” look…but who has time to apply that many layers of face goo? Even amongst the non-SAHMs?
5. “Slipping into something more comfortable” now means sweats or yoga pants…not lingerie. When coming home from a great date night with your husband you look at the time and count how many hours of sleep you are now losing before the kids are going to be in your face screaming “MOMMY WAKE UP…I NEED YOU” You throw on your ugliest pair of sweats or yoga pants in hopes that he will just not find you charming enough to have sex with…just this once. The “no shower since yesterday and now it’s bedtime” works pretty well too.
6. Caffeine and wine become a necessity instead of an enjoyed frill. You buy wine by the box and drink it in a cup rather then an ornamental wine glass. Kids break that shit. And on really bad days you sip it through a straw. The kids begin to recognize your “mommy” cup and know to stay clear from putting their little lips on it to take a sip of your “mommy juice“. You used to drink those frilly coffee drinks from “you know where” but now they have been replaced with just straight up shots of expresso. If you could bag it intravenously to your arm and roll with it on a stand like an IV at the hospital…YOU WOULD.
7. When you do dress up…people don’t recognize you. You run around town in your sweats and yoga pants. You have replaced the house slippers with tennis shoes as to possibly fool people into thinking that you might have just come from the gym in this attire you possess. You drop your kids off at school and because you are not a morning person anymore you do this just after rolling out of bed..sometimes forgetting to remove the house slippers before piling the kids into the car. Upon seeing anyone out when “dressed up” (usually only for date nights) their reply is “You look so pretty.” This translates to “You look like shit the rest of the time.” You justify this to yourself by your being a SAHM and looking the part. Or you can just bitch slap them.
8. Girls nights out are replaced with playdates. Having children when your friends are not, changes the entire dynamic of a friendship. You used to stay out until the sun was coming up and then stopping for breakfast before heading home. Now you are like Cinda-fucking-rella and worried about getting home by midnight so you can still get enough sleep to handle the little balls of energy that your husband’s sperm bank created who will want your attention regardless of the headache that ails you. “Mommy doesn’t feel good” has no translation to them. No meaning WHAT-SO-EVER. Consequently you resort to playdates and trying to find another mom that you may have
something to cling to in common with.
9. You have replaced your spa days with hours by yourself at the grocery store. As much as you hate grocery shopping, if it’s a chance to go somewhere by yourself, you consume every bit of that duration that you can…taking the time to go through each isle…even the isles that you know don’t contain anything that you need to buy. In the car you blare your favorite
80’s music taking you back to before kids if only for a short car ride home.
10. You know every song to every disney show/movie. The kids have all gone to bed and 2 hours later you look up to realize that “Doc McStuffins” is still chanting “Time For A Check-up” through the speakers of your television. Social media has become your only means to the outside world. You are so engrossed in what’s going on in everyone else’s life that you could care less that it’s now time for “The Hot Dog Dance” for the second time since you put your kids to bed.
Laughing until my eyes pop out!
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