The Drive Home

The other day I was telling someone this story and I decided that I must share with all you  readers the funny, but not so funny story about a certain drive home I had one time.

My husband used to work out-of-town, in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie little town called Ely, NV.  Look it up on the map.  It’s literally a town of 4,000 people as said by Wikipedia in 2015.  I have no clue where they get that number from because when I used to visit my husband there it literally felt like a ghost town.  They must be counting people’s pets as part of the population.

Sometimes, I would get the crazy notion to pile 3 babies in diapers, two young teenage boys, and our German Shepard Roxy in our then minivan, and make the five-hour trip up to see my husband.

Without Xanax or wine.

This one trip in particular was quite a memorable one.

We had made the trip up there just fine.  The afternoon that we left we decided to grab some food.  Now I am not sure if it was the food or we all, at the same time, got some kind of nausea bug.

First it hit one of the babies and so I pulled off the road to change the horrific ghastly sickening smell which was invading one of my babies diapers in the backseat.  I mean literally it smelled like someone had crapped on the dashboard right in front of me.

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Now of course there are no garbage cans on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, and I wasn’t about to be an ignorant fool and just throw the diaper into the desert, so I found a bag and placed the diaper in there.  And placed the bag back into the minivan.

Followed by several more, by all 3 babies, at all different times, throughout the day.

Then the bug hit me.  Like a bullet train.  And this 5 hour trip had already gone passed 5 hours and we still had over an hour to home.

No I didn’t shit my pants but there were a few times I thought I was going to have to pull over and throw-up, and the smell of all them grisly diapers sitting in a bag, somewhere in the minivan, and my dog’s stinky hot breath breathing on me, weren’t helping matters.

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Oh and did I happen to mention that it was like 120*F outside and so there was no rolling down the windows.  And have you ever changed a diaper that smells like something died 2 weeks ago in it, on the side of the road, in 120*F weather?  And could someone please tell me why minivans don’t come equipped with pop up changing tables?

To add to the driving nightmare we  ended up behind a line of traffic.  Now granted, they were all doing the speed limit but for me, that just wasn’t fast enough because I just wanted to GET HOME.

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So when it was safe, I decide to pass the 3 or 4 cars, driving at the speed limit, in front of me.  And of course I wanted to do this quickly so I think I was doing about 120 100 by the time I finally got around them.  Yes minivans can go that fast.

I was just passing them.  Of course I don’t do 100 mph on a regular basis with all my kids in the car.

And up ahead what should I see just as I am getting back over into my lane… not 1 but 2 COPS!

This just wasn’t my fucking day.

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As they passed me and I looked in my side mirror I saw them turn around and so I just pulled over.  Why continue to carry on acting as if you weren’t doing anything wrong and just waste more time.  Time I didn’t have.

And then I watched as all the other cars that I had passed, driving past me, eyeing me, and probably thinking to themselves…”ha ha you dumb bitch, that’s what you get for speeding”.

Because that’s exactly what I think when I see some asshole, whose speeding past me, and then having the delight of seeing them being pulled over up ahead.

The cops approach the car and while standing at my window, I roll it down.  There is no way that they couldn’t have gotten a whiff of what was lurking from the inside of my minivan.  I am actually quite surprised that they didn’t ask to see if I had a dead body in the back.

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Let’s just say they clocked my speed at about 60mph over the speed limit

They took one look inside, asked me for my license and registration, and then asked me where I was coming from and where I was headed.

I answered them in the nice way, but what I really wanted to do was tell them something smart ass like “Oh I am just out on a Sunday stroll with my 5 kids, the panting dog, and oh THIS BAG FULL OF SHITTY DIAPERS!”

And then puke on their shoes.

They must have known it had been a rough ride for me because they kindly gave me a warning to slow down, handed me back my license and registration, and let me go.

I was shocked.

We finally made it home safe and sound but I am quite certain that the smell of that bag full of shitty diapers was still lingering in that minivan when we traded it in.

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~Road Trip~

family vacation souzaville road trip coast California Oregon

Have you ever been in a camper for 12 days with a family of six?  Well I have, and let me assure you that I now have more gray hair then what I had when I left for said vacation.  And my crazy gene has increased at least a level…maybe 2.

crazy kids road trip

Now granted all the kids slept in a tent while the Mr. and I slept in our comfortable bed in the camper.  But there were plenty of times that all 6 of us were piled in the camper at once.  One bathroom.  One toilet.  And lots of

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“I NEED TO GO POOP!”

We could be in the middle of nowhere and one of my 3 little monsters would, sometimes in unison, announce the ever so dreaded phrase.

We did a lot of driving on this vacation.  Over 3,000 miles.  This also means that there were sometimes hours spent with the six of us in one vehicle.  I have listened to “Old McDonald” more times that I can count.  Not to mention the numerous other nursery rhymes that followed.  Even the songs on the radio would seem like they were stuck on repeat, and we have satellite radio. And don’t even get me started on the whining.  All the “he did this” and “she did that” was enough to drive me straight to the bottle of wine nuthouse.

Anytime my husband and I are in the same vehicle he always insists on driving.  This leads to me holding the “oh shit” handle… a lot.

husbands driving crazy speeding
CAN YOU SLOW THE F%@K DOWN….PLEASE!

He thinks he’s a Nascar driver in a GMC Yukon.

Did I happen to mention that we had our German Shepard on the trip with us too?  That’s constantly shedding.  I swept up enough dog hair to form another dog.  I need a Roomba just for the camper.  Oh wait, I don’t have one of those at home even.  Anyone looking for a gift idea for me please feel free to click the link and purchase.  I do have to say though that she chased off a bobcat one night that had tried to wander into our camp.  I woke up to the sound of her rustling through the bushes and a large “RAWR”.

German Shepard dogs road trip pets

Now of course there were glorious moments about our trip as well.  It was great family bonding time.  Kind of like when gum gets stuck to your shoe or there’s that last little piece of tape that won’t come off of something.  Our family vacations put the Griswald’s to shame.  Not to mention we outnumber them by two and a dog.

National Lampoons Griswalds Road Trip

Here we are trying to take a family photo with the camera resting on top of the Yukon because dumb dumb silly mommy forgot her tripod.  This was about the fifth or sixth attempt at trying to get it right and it still isn’t right.  And no, my husband doesn’t have a mohawk…it just seems to look that way in the picture.

family vacation tree redwoods summer

Now, we are all home, safe and sound, the haze of vacation has wore off, the boredom has set in, and I have lots of future posts about our shenanigans travels.  Including all about the “Trees Of Mystery“, Ocean World Kamp Klamath (a place I would never recommend), Prehistoric Gardens, river rafting, places to eat, beaches, and anything else I can think that we visited along the Northern California and Southern Oregon Coast.

Stay Tuned,

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30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 12

Someone I Miss:

Must I narrow this to only one?  It’s my writing challenge therefore I am going to do what I want…oh wait…I do that all the time anyway.

I miss my maternal grandmother.  She has been gone for many years but there are so many pieces of me that I wish she could have seen.  I was still in my “selfish-all about me” stage of life when she past and I regret not telling her how much more appreciative of her I was.  She pretty much raised me and regardless of the generation gap between her raising her own children and then raising me I realize now that she always put me first.  I wish she could have met my children and seen how happy I am now.  When she was alive I was so contingent about who I was or wanted to be and usually I was just an asshole.

I miss my bestie.  I met my bestie at a playdate for our littles.  Problem is we didn’t realize how much we adored each other until a couple years later.  We are both kind of introverted in our ways and neither of us knows how to step over one’s boundaries.  But somehow we finally managed to do so…the year before I moved.  I miss our SAHM afternoon wine tastings and watching our kids all bond like they had been born in the same womb.  I miss going to the “wine and canvas” event with her(yeah we are a couple of winos…what of it?)…even though we had only attended two of them…I know that if I still lived there…we would still be attending them regularly.  I miss dinner “dates” that we would take our littles to.  Her daughter and my son are absolutely smitten with one another and there isn’t a day that goes by that my little B man doesn’t ask to go see his “girlfriend“.  He still doesn’t understand that we don’t just live down the street anymore.  I just miss spending time with her in general.

I miss my family.  I really don’t get to see any of them often enough due to the fact that we all live in different places.  I have the means to go visit them but 1 mom + 3 toddlers on a road trip = MOMMY IN A STRAIGHT JACKET by the end.  I did it one year with an infant and a toddler all while 7 months pregnant.  I survived but by the time we got home I thought I had done lost my mind somewhere between Salt Lake City UT and Las Vegas, NV, and someone had run over it.

I miss all my friends I had to leave behind due to moving.  I miss seeing their faces regularly and laughing until my cheeks and abs hurt.  I miss seeing their little people and being a part of their lives.  I really miss “girl-chatter“.

I realize that life just keeps changing.  We miss certain things and a lot of someone’s.  We experience new things and meet new someone’s.  And of course they can never replace the former ones but make new transitions worth the transitioning.

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