Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

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Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

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Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

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I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

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Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

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Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

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Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. 😂😳  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

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And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

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No One’s Perfect,

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Just Get Over It!

I am going to say right now that this post is probably going to offend someone, somewhere…but you know what?  I am someone who practices my right of “Freedom Of Speech”!  And if you don’t like what I have to say on PUBLIC social media then by all means…unfollow me, block me, or do whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

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We live in 2015.  **NEWSFLASH**  It’s a day and age that if you want to…you can post your life, and all of it’s entirety via numerous social networks.  You can blog, vlog, post status updates, and if you wanted to…you could film yourself taking a shit and by golly someone out there would want to watch that…shit.

How about the sex industry?  Do you think sex doesn’t sell?  Are you a moron?  DO YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK?  Hmmm that must be why it’s one of the leading money making industries.  Because somehow no one is “talking” about it or by all means WATCHING IT or even better….WRITING ABOUT IT!  Whoa!  I mean come on…how do you think you got here?  We are all here because two people had sex and created us yet there are still certain people who want to play “hush hush don’t talk about that filthy dirty word called sex“.  People want to bash “50 Shades Of Gray” because somewhere in their life someone abused them.  Don’t blame the movie…blame the person who abused you!  Because let’s face it…what good is getting mad at a “fictional” movie going to do about what happened to you and further more if you knew what it was about then why even bother watching it, if it’s going to stir up that many emotions???  For me, I stay clear of anything that I know is going to disturb me in any way.  Granted yes that isn’t much.  But there are demons living in my closet just as much as there are living in even to most “saintly” of people.

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In this day and age it amazes me how easily offended people are.  What happened to “a sense of humor” or having “thick skin”.  I surely hope I am not raising my kids to cry every time someone says something that they don’t like.  I realize that bullying is a real issue and I in no way condone it….but…yep there’s a but in here…I also think that regardless of where you live, what kind of school your child attends, or how much you TRY to protect them…there is always going to be a BULLY.  Therefore, I believe in teaching my kids to be stronger then the bully.  Sign them up for a boxing or karate class so they know how to…how should I put it….kick someone’s ass that deserves it defend themselves.  Teach them that words are just that….WORDS!  Teach them that k-12th grade is only a fraction of their lives and that there is so much more life to live out there and so many more worthy people to meet!

Now I don’t like to call people names give people labels but I am quite certain that these people I am referencing to in this post are what we all call “prudes” and prude by means of  definition.com is…

a person who is excessively proper or modest in speech, conduct, dress, etc.

which you know what?  I am fine with a person being prude but let me just state here that I have never claimed to be a “good mommy blog”.  My name is Domesticated Momster for a reason.  There are going to be times that I put on my big girl panties and get down to business.  There are times that I am going to tell it how I feel it at the moment and there will be NO LOLLIPOP GIVEN.  If anything I classify my blog as humor more then “mommying”.  Yes I gripe about my kids and my husband and my everyday life.  Those who don’t ever bitch about their lives are the ones that truly freak me out.  Like so many skeletons in the closet that the door is about to come unhinged.

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Do I feel like I should apologize for offending anyone?  No…I don’t…I can be a real bitch sometimes and I own it.  But I am also the person who would be your friend till the end and support you in every way I knew possible.  I would answer the phone when you called in the middle of the night…well unless I was passed out or the ambien actually worked….other then that I would totally answer that call and then bitch at you for calling instead of texting.  But hey that’s just me and I am a person you either love or you hate…there is no in-between.  In between means indecisive and I can’t be around people who can’t make a decision about anything.  And she lived happily ever after….

Rant Over,

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Domesticated Momster
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My Random Musings

Sex And Parenting

As the life of married with children goes, as a couple there are always kinks in trying to find time to have sex relations. With this being said, my husband and I are usually pretty clever at finding these ways.  I am pretty sure, that our second child, was conceived as a quicky in the closet.

On a recent morning, my husband was so very thoughtful and let me sleep in for a change.  He also made breakfast and brought it to me in bed.  This made for a happy wife.  And you know how the saying goes….happy wife…happy life…and possibly a  happy ending for you, dear husband!

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We felt the kids were all occupied with doing something so we decided to seize the opportunity.  We locked the door and proceeded to “get down to business”.  It only takes about 5 minutes from start to finish.  Let’s face it…when you have kids quickies become a prerequisite.  Just as we were about to “seal the deal” we heard the lock on our door pop.   We both looked at each other with a “WTF?” look on our faces as we scurried to get off of one another ourselves covered up.

Standing in the doorway was our 5 year old…with a tooth pick in his hand that he had some how figured out how to pop our lock with!  My husband tried to be stern and explain to him that mommy and daddy’s door is locked for a reason and not for him to mess with it.  But we couldn’t help but burst out laughing at the entire situation.  Our son could have been scarred for life.  Then again maybe it would have taught him a lesson.

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Note to self:  Next trip to the hardware store will be for a lock that requires an actual key to open it!

Any other parents have a funny story to share?  I would love to hear.

Indecently Exposed,

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Friday Frolics

The Swinging Neighborhood

The neighborhood that swings together stays together right?

It’s called “Neighbors With Mutual Funds Benefits”

Anyone catch the first episode of this A&E reality series?  Well I stand guilty after a bath and a bottle of wine that I curiously downloaded the first episode onto my tablet.  And now I am currently taking applications in my own neighborhood. **plants sign in the front yard advertising about the want ads for sexually inquisitive neighbors…apply within…please.

The first scene has wine.

The captions below everyone’s name reads as follows:

“In the lifestyle”

“monogamous” 

“curious” about the lifestyle

My question is if you lived in this neighborhood…which one would you be?

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50 Things That Make Me Happy

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Thank you To The Cuddle Fairy for including me in this listy!

This would probably be much easier if I could list 50 things that piss me off upset me.

DISCLAIMER:  The following are in no particular order!

  1. Motherhood (most days)
  2. My husband (most weeks)
  3. Red Wine
  4. Working out (I hate working out but I love how I feel afterwards)
  5. Sex
  6. My children’s laughter
  7. Blogging
  8. Sunny days
  9. Rainy days
  10. Fuck the wind  days without wind
  11. Bubble Baths
  12. Hot men showers…had I not used the cross out in that it could have read much differently
  13. Pedicures.  There is something about pretty feet that fixes everything
  14. Coffee and most caffeinated beverages in general
  15. Sushi! I LOVE sushi and can instantly feel myself get happier as soon as I know I am going to eat it.
  16. Good music
  17. Drifting in a cool pool on a hot day
  18. Cooking
  19. Vacations with my herd…as much work as it entails getting ready for such trips, the memories we are creating with our kids is so worth it
  20. When my husband buys me diamonds lilies
  21. A clean house
  22. The beach
  23. When the internet is working right
  24. My friends near or far
  25. Sleeping in
  26. Text messages instead of phone calls (have you ever tried to have a conversation on the phone with 3 toddlers?)
  27. My toddlers bedtime
  28. A good book or blog to read
  29. Date nights with Channing Tatum my husband
  30. When my family is all healthy
  31. Memories
  32. My favorite TV shows
  33. Comments and likes on my blog 😀
  34. When I am done trying to figure out 50 things that make me happy
  35. Technology
  36. When humanity is kind to one another
  37. Creating my FRIDAY’S TOP 5
  38. Being chained to my best friend married (Dating with 3 kids and in my 40’s would suck) Tomorrow this thought might change but right now I don’t want to kill love my husband
  39. Massages
  40. My German Shepard, Roxy, she loves me unconditionally and rarely leaves my side
  41. That there are only 10 more things for me to try and think of
  42. Roller coasters…although I have not been on one since having kids and I am afraid my throwing up apparatus stomach has changed.
  43. Anytime I am getting to use my artistic side
  44. My story of how I became a mother
  45. Campfires
  46. Cold beer with clamato juice
  47. The smell of gain laundry detergent on my clothes
  48. Good health
  49. When the laundry is done…oh wait that never happens!
  50. That I am done with this list!  Although I am sure that as soon as I publish it I will think of 20 more things that I forgot to mention.

This has been circulating for a while now so if I tag you and you have already done this then just send me a slap in the head message 😀

I am tagging:

Blogging For Therapy

Three’s A Herd

Mom Of 1 and 10

Modern Dad Pages

Three Boys And A Mom

Mother Beerist

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER:  Please don’t feel obligated to complete this but if you do take your time and I can’t wait to learn more about you!!!

With regards to your sanity,

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30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 4

25 Things To Do Before My Next Birthday…

This one is quite amusing since my birthday is Friday.  So I am going to make a list of things that I want to get done before Friday and see how much of the list I complete.

1.  Keep the kids alive.  This is very important.  Hence why it is at the top.

2.  Workout Everyday…even if it’s just a quick walk around the hood.

3.  Get every piece of laundry done…before Friday…now that’s a challenge!

4.  Get to bed before midnight some time this week.

5.  Make sure all my “cleaning chores” are done by Friday…no one likes to clean on their birthday.

6.  Lose a pound.  It’s the tiny goals that keep me motivated.

7.  Grocery shopping…we are almost in “Mother Hubbard” status.  (seriously…click on that…have you ever read it? Creepy!)

8.  Clean out one closet in the house.  It’s amazing what accumulates in a year.

9.  Catch up on some shows on my DVR list.

10.  Bubble bath and wine one night…maybe two.   (my birthday night doesn’t count)

11.  Order Little Z’s birthday present.  Her birthday is the same day as mine.

12.  Have sex.  With a random stranger…hahaha just kidding…with my husband of course.

13.  Take the littles to the park…weather permitting of course…today is cold and rainy.

14.  Tie my shoes…**I am running out of ideas here people**

15.  Try not to yell so much…that will take more of numbers 10 and 12.  I truly hate yelling but sometimes it’s the only way they L-I-S-T-E-N!

16.  Don’t strangle the teenagers.  Need I say more?

17.  Wake up.  Hey this one is important….I don’t think the household would operate very well without my presence.

18.  Consume lots of caffeine.  This will be needed to complete 1-17.

19.  Be Thankful.  Figured I had better throw that in there…this is starting to sound like a struggle.

20.  Take my Zoloft.  Believe it or not…I forget to do this.

21.  Go to the spa.  Hahahaha!

22. Dye my hair.  Don’t need all these gray hairs reminding me how old I am going to be on Friday.

23.  Go to the dentist to check on the 4 gaping holes in the back of my mouth.  It’s on the “to do list” board but I will probably still forget.

24.  Blog!

25.  Breathe.  Can’t do anything on this list without that right? **grasping at straws**

Whew this was a challenge!

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Let’s Talk About Sex

Let’s Talk About Sex.