Tips That Men Can Impress Their Ladies With On National Boyfriend’s Day

I am not a man who has come up with this post, nor have I interviewed any of those mortals that we women refer to as ball hugging creatures.  I am however here to perhaps help those of you morons gentlemen who do fondle handle cup scratch rub or hold those male crown jewels.

In this day and age if you want to get sex something ¬†you need to give woo something. ¬†Us women do have a dreaded switch…problem is the switch is usually stuck on bat shit crazy¬† psycho grumpy¬† mom mode, bitchy…or just plain ol “leave me the fuck alone” and will most likely stay that way unless you do something to “flip the switch“.

National Boyfriend's Day

Men don’t have switches…it’s not in their DNA. ¬†How lucky for them. ¬†And if they did, it would just always be stuck on “touch my junk“.

Therefore, in honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I am going to give some tips that men can use to impress their ladies. ¬†In turn this means, be better boyfriend’s, lovers, and husbands and maybe just get your junk touched.

*A note taped to the mirror. ¬†It doesn’t HAVE to be a love note. ¬†You might be lucky and have the cool chic that would admire your sense of humor with”Hey you want to get the sheets dirty later?” and she would laugh and you’d be getting lucky in a few hours.

*A Facebook, or any social media of your choice, shout out to your favorite gal, girl, female, woman, or lady. ¬†It’s so much less expensive than flowers that just die anyway. ¬†But hey if your woman’s thing is flowers then by golly you better get your ass to the store and get some. ¬†If it’s liquor, chocolate, a card, or whatever it may be…GET. IT. DONE!

*Tell her she is beautiful in a way that you “mean” it. ¬†Even if she looks a mess because she has been busy working at the office all day, dealing with the kids all day and has 10 different kid fluids and food on her, just got done grocery shopping, or even if she is sweaty and stinky from the gym. ¬†Make sure she knows she is not only a “hot” mess but that she is YOUR hot mess.

*Give a compliment. ¬†Even if the only thing you can come up with is “Thanks so much for folding my shirt the right way”. ¬†It’s at least a compliment. ¬†Not a very brilliant one but hey, most women aren’t asking for brilliance when it comes to compliments. ¬† We just like to feel appreciated. ¬†Men and women have different ways of feeling appreciated.

*Don’t expect her to be in a good mood all the time. ¬†Women have these dreadful things called HORMONES. ¬†And men wouldn’t know what they were if they were sprinkled on their favorite meal like salt and pepper. ¬†Could you even imagine if a man just suddenly started crying for no apparent reason? ¬†The world would end. ¬† So instead of pointing out her bad mood, which I am sure she is already well aware of, try making her laugh instead. ¬†Say something funny. ¬† Kiss her favorite spot. ¬†Hug her and tell her…”hey everything’s going to be fine.”.

National Boyfriend's Day Tips

*Take her somewhere without asking her to make the choice. ¬†If you have been together long enough than you should know the places she likes to go. ¬†Or do something out of the ordinary. ¬†And if you can’t think of something out of the ordinary then you are just plain lame. ¬†Lame. Lame. Lame. ¬†You don’t deserve a woman.

*Give her some time to herself. ¬†Draw her a bubble bath. ¬†Pour her a glass of her favorite poison. ¬†Put on some of her favorite music. ¬†Light some candles. ¬†THEN LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM! ¬†Come back in about a half hour to see how she’s doing. ¬†And no, this doesn’t mean naked, with your junk flashing around in her face like somehow her moment of relaxation should be interrupted for your benefit. ¬†Check to see if she needs a refill. ¬†Also to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep and drowned. ¬†Then, if you have kids, go put them little suckers to bed. ¬†And MAYBE when she is done you can see about trying to get lucky.

*Pay attention to the music she has been listening to. ¬†There is no better way to tell what’s going on in a girl/woman’s head than what she is listening to. ¬†Especially if repeat is getting hit a lot.

Yes I am well aware that women can be complicated creatures. ¬†It’s not our fault…it’s part of our DNA. ¬†We can go from calm to crazy faster than you can scratch an itch. ¬†You think we choose to be this way? ¬†You think we don’t know when we are feeling or being bitchy? ¬†The thing is, as men, you could learn to handle it a little better than just pouring gasoline on the already raging fire.

National Boyfriend's Day

And this doesn’t mean that you have to do all these things everyday either. ¬†There are days that we are perfectly fine getting through the day without the likes of you. ¬†But if you want more happiness in the atmosphere then you need to put out what you want back. ¬†Complaining about it does nothing. ¬†Action does.

img_0812

I am linking this post with the following fab linkys!!!

Domesticated Momster
Mummuddlingthrough

Housewife Failure

Yep, I am not afraid to admit it…I am a housewife failure.

When I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was NEVER “a housewife”.  I don’t even ever recall saying I wanted to be a mother.  I was never very “kid oriented”.  More like kid irritated.

But here I am at the ripe old age of 40 something *coughs* and that’s my exact title HOUSEWIFE.  I prefer the title of  Corporate Executive Officer Of Souzaville … it just sounds better rolling off my tongue.  But let’s face it … that would look a little funny printed on a resume.

housewife failure humor funny quotes images

Housewife in definition is:

NOUN
a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

The problem is I am not very good at the housewife thing.  Sure I clean and tidy up from *time to time.

*Translation:  10 minutes before someone is coming over.

I have a laundry pile that my children could play hide and seek in.  Hell maybe I will try hiding in the damn pile.  Laundry baskets in this house are used for a variation of other things.  My children love to dump theirs out and then use them to build forts, use as night stands, or just simply leave lying in the middle of the floor…but never are there dirty clothes inside of them.  And up until last year I didn’t even own an iron.  What’s an iron for?  To make grilled cheese right?

housewifefail1.gif
Or to cook bacon…I’m not picky
Now in my defense I do have 4 children who are just absolute slobs.  I have no idea where they inherited this gene from *coughs again while bubble of husband presents itself over her head*  because before they came along you could eat off any floor in my house.  I was a clean FREAK!

But after having them I eventually realized that something had to give or I was going to drive myself insane trying to keep up with the term, spotless.  The word spotless is no longer a word in my vocabulary.  I am surprised I even remember how to spell it.

giphy-1.gif
I haven’t even started housework by 9:30am…now if Marge is talking PM then that could be a possibility.
I mean let’s face it…kids are assigned chores so that we “housewives” don’t have so much housework to do right?  I mean they have to learn to earn their keep around here at some point in time.  I think the age of 2 isn’t asking too much right?

As for caring for my family, of course I care for them.  I care that my boys grow up to be respected men in their community and not to knock up every insecure girl that crosses their path.  I care that my girls grow up not to be those insecure girls.  And I care that my husband worships me until the day he lies on his death bed…probably claiming that I put him there.

That brings me to the WIFE part of housewife.  Yeah I am not very good at that.  I don’t do my husband’s laundry but let me explain why.  I used to.  But then he started complaining about how he wanted his clothes organized a certain way in his closet.  Color coordinated.  I was like NOPE. Time for you to DIY, my dear husband.

This also sometimes refers to him wanting sex.

sex humor housewife failure
Neither dear…why not just watch some PornHub and DIY.
I also stopped making his lunch for this same reason.  I would pack it…he would complain how it was packed, unpack and repack it,  and so I live by the motto that if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, then do it your damn self.

housewife failure humor funny
Well that would be an epic fail on my part but I also call bullshit!

How about a good husband…

housewife failure humor funny

Now if my husband is reading this he would be nodding to himself about being every. one. of. these.  I will give him 7 out of 9. ūüėāūüė≥  He can guess the 7.

I am fine with his penis size.

As for managing the household affairs well I manage everything.

  • I manage to keep the kids alive.
  • I manage not to burn the house down when I cook.
  • I manage to get a majority of the housework done within the month.
  • I manage not to stab my husband when he really pisses me off.
  • I manage to keep my sanity.  *looks around in doubt*
  • I manage to “occasionally ” find time to make sure my husband doesn’t leave the house hungry or horny.  *again looks around in a bit of doubt*
  • I manage to laugh out loud sometimes when no one is watching.
  • I manage to love myself even when I don’t feel like it sometimes.
  • And last but not least I manage to embrace this wonderful life I have created for myself regardless of how much I feel like a failure from time to time.

housewife quotes funny humor failure

And with that note…I think I will pour myself a tasty glass of poison, stumble over the pile of laundry, ignore the dust, the dozen or so toys strung from one end of the house to the other, the dirty dishes in the sink, carefully dodge the legos in the carpet,  and possibly watch some Netflix or dance in my underwear like no one is watching…well except the 3 small children who are the only ones home right now.

giphy-2.gif

No One’s Perfect,

Domesticated Momster Signature

I’m linking this post with the following fab Linkys…

 

Rhyming with Wine

 

This Mum's Life

 

 

 

Throwback Thursday ~ Top 10 Reasons It Sucks Being A Female

Top Reasons It Sucks Being A Females Sometimes #female #womanhood #being a woman

Let’s face it, from the time we are born there are times that being female just sucks stinks¬†is dreadful.

Potty Training ~ ¬†I had a boy and two girls and let me just tell you that potty training for boys is a cinch. ¬†They can just whip that wiener out anywhere and go…half the time without anyone even noticing nor aiming for anything in particular. ¬†But as a girl we have to find a bathroom, squat in the bushes and hope we don’t get it on our pants all while hoping we have something to wipe with (leaves work wonders). ¬†If we are in a public restroom we have to layer paper on the seat or hover until our thighs feel like someone lit them with a flame about give out.

Reasons Why Being A Female Sucks Sometimes
*I kid you not, this is what the toilet looks like in a public restroom after I am done preparing it for my 2 daughters and myself*

Adolescence¬†~ Bring on the boobs and the menstrual cycle and all the hormonal changes that are accompanied by the blossoming like a snap dragon years. ¬†Still in a stage of thinking that boys have cooties while they are over there coming up with nick-names to call your boobs. ¬†Yes I know this from first hand experience which you can read about here. ¬†There’s the dealing with mean girls and the constant feeling of wanting to fit in. ¬†Then when you finally do discover boys you also discover that they are nothing but a bunch of testosterone induced assholes jerks.

Womanhood ~¬† Getting married, changing your name and all the paperwork it entails. ¬†I mean seriously it takes everything including giving your blood! ¬†If you work in a predominantly male environment you are constantly trying to prove you are capable of walking all over keeping up with them. ¬†If you work with a bunch of females you are constantly trying to refrain from stabbing someone yourself from all the drama. ¬†Men get to age like fine wine while women get called things like “cougars”. ¬†It’s ok to see some old guy with a young girl but an older woman with a younger man and let the gossip begin. ¬†WHY? ¬†Why does there have to be a label? ¬†Cougars seek out their prey. ¬†I have never had to seek out a man…they come out of nowhere. ¬†How would they like to be called Praying Mantis’?

Here’s a few other reason’s why it sucks to be a female:

You’re expected to shave everything. ¬†I don’t care what they say about bush coming back…there is no man on the planet that likes to have to hack his way with a machete seek through the jungle to get to the gold. ¬†Do men even know what we go through to achieve such a beautiful “landing strip”. ¬†Seriously, do men need help finding the runway?

Putting make-up on. ¬†Ok, maybe you don’t have to wear make-up but speaking for myself I won’t leave the house without at least mascara on…otherwise I look like the boy from the movie “Powder”. ¬†And if I am wanting to compare myself to Kate Upton for the night then that requires a full on face-off surgeon at least 30 minutes of make-up application. ¬†And I still don’t look as good as she probably does when she just rolls out of bed in the morning.

Tampons ~ Need I say more?

Reasons Why Being A Female Sometimes Sucks
*Because some days being a woman goes something like this*

Emotional. ¬†It doesn’t matter if it’s PMS or a Kleenex commercial, there is going to be crying involved. ¬†Along with the other C words of crazy, catty, and cuckoo. ¬†That other C word I won’t even whisper in fear that it may start WWIII. ¬†There is also insane, psycho, lunatic…just to name a few. ¬†Doctors claim there is medication for all of it…I say just drink wine.

High heels. ¬†I don’t wear them and I highly suggest that you don’t either… otherwise this is what your feet are going to look like…I am not a podiatrist¬†¬†but I am licensed to do pedicures.Reasons Why Being Female Sucks Sometimes #uglyfeet #highheeledshoesfeet

Your feet were not meant to be bunched up and extended to such extremes.

Hair-do’s. ¬†How it must be so nice to be a male and just get out of the shower, slap some gel on or put a hat on your head and go….all while still looking fabulous. ¬†Sure I could cut my hair as short as my husbands and do the same, but I don’t wish to be my husband’s identical twin. ¬†DISCLAIMER: ¬†Nothing wrong with having short hair…been there…done that….burned the pictures.

Did I mention boobs? ¬†What is the craze about boobs? ¬†I seriously don’t get it. ¬†Maybe because I am not a man, but I would guess that a man’s balls are about the equivalent anatomy to that of a woman’s boobs,¬†yet you don’t see women running around staring at men’s balls ok maybe not.

Orgasm.  Again, need I say more?

Giving birth. ¬†Let’s just imagine the world if men had to push babies out of the holes of their manhood penises…..keep imagining…. ¬†Poof! There goes that thought along with mankind.

Wardrobe. ¬†I could wear the same pair of jeans, three times during the month, and every time, they look different on me. ¬†I also can’t just throw on a t-shirt and it looks good. ¬†It has to be a certain size to fit my boobs and I refuse to wear anything that isn’t V-neck. ¬†And if I find a t-shirt that I absolutely love and fits perfectly…I AM AFRAID TO WASH IT.

Putting up with men.  This is a no brainer.  Men are non-communitive, unemotional, unattached, simple, horny, effortless, restrained, orgasmic one track minded individuals that we women have no idea how to interpret.  And then wonder why we are crazy.

To Be Continued~

cropped-signature5.jpg

I am linking this post with the following linkys:

Domesticated Momster

National Couples Appreciation Month

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating

April is National Couples Appreciation Month. ¬†So if you haven’t let your other half know how much you want to kill them appreciate them in awhile…then sometime this month is your chance.

My husband and I have been together since November of 2008, after meeting on the internet.¬†¬†It didn’t take us long to become inseparable. ¬†The fact that he could make me laugh ALL THE TIME is what attracted me to him the most. ¬†He’s not bad to look at either. ¬†*wink wink* ¬†I mean who wouldn’t fall in love with someone who was brave enough to show off “the goat” after about a week of dating.

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating love

Now I am sure you are wondering what “the goat” is right? ¬†And I even tried to find an image of it on the internet with no success. ¬†Basically it has to do with a man being naked and then tucking his balls between his legs and mooning you. ¬†I was tempted to have my husband demonstrate his lovely talent but I don’t want to scare anyone. ¬†But if you are laughing right now, then you have obviously painted a picture in your head and we are good!

Moving on….

We have been through a lot of ups and downs throughout the years, just like any relationship. ¬†But I can honestly say that the ups still outweigh the downs tremendously. ¬†We are both stubborn as hell which doesn’t help when we find some ridiculous thing to argue about like who’s better at driving or who takes longer to get ready for a date night. ¬†But through it all I have come to realize that no matter what…he’s the one person in this world who has and always will have my back. ¬†Who has seen me at my worst and still managed not to run for the hills to keep on loving me.

National Couples Appreciation Month relationships marriage dating

I know I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate him. ¬†I think we both just get busy with daily life sometimes and forget that this life we have built starts with the strong foundation we created…us. ¬†We both work hard to provide love and stability for our family.

We recently had the pleasure of spending an entire week together, on vacation, with no kids. ¬†The best part about the vacation was that I realized the foundation is still here…even with all the cracks and all the wear and tear it’s still just as strong, if not stronger, than the first day we met. ¬†Or should I say, since the first day he showed me “the goat”?

Have you appreciated your other half lately?

domesticated momster signature

I am linking this post with the following fab linkys!

#momsterslink blog sharing networking linky
thumbnailsize

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

 

Pink Pear Bear

 

The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback
Mummuddlingthrough

Quote Of The Week ~ Jan 17, 2016

 

Amy Schumer is my new “it” girl.  If you have never seen her stand up act I highly recommend it.  She’s vulgar and hilarious…two fabulous traits every woman should have.  

In a world that puts everyone under a judgmental microscope I find this quote to be totally empowering.  

There’s always going to be people who don’t like you or agree with you.  They might think that what you have to say doesn’t matter to them.  But it matters to someone….you.  

They may think you’re unattractive or that you aren’t making the right choices for yourself.  They may think a lot of negative things about you.  But the only person you should bother trying to impress is yourself.  Of course I always think a person should be kind to another person but opinions are just that …opinions.  I am learning to go by the motto of… I don’t give one unless I’m asked.

domesticated momster signature

Cuddle Fairy

~Favorite Quote #20~

Favorite Quote 20 #quotes #inspiration domesticated momster

There really isn’t much more needed to say,

Domesticated Momster Signature

I am linking this quote with the following fab linky!

Cuddle Fairy

~ Top Reasons Why Being Female Sucks Sometimes~

Top Reasons It Sucks Being A Females Sometimes #female #womanhood #being a woman

Let’s face it, from the time we are born there are times that being female just sucks stinks¬†is dreadful.

Potty Training ~ ¬†I had a boy and two girls and let me just tell you that potty training for boys is a cinch. ¬†They can just whip that wiener out anywhere and go…half the time without anyone even noticing nor aiming for anything in particular. ¬†But as a girl we have to find a bathroom, squat in the bushes and hope we don’t get it on our pants all while hoping we have something to wipe with (leaves work wonders). ¬†If we are in a public restroom we have to layer paper on the seat or hover until our thighs feel like someone lit them with a flame about give out.

Reasons Why Being A Female Sucks Sometimes
*I kid you not, this is what the toilet looks like in a public restroom after I am done preparing it for my 2 daughters and myself*

Adolescence¬†~ Bring on the boobs and the menstrual cycle and all the hormonal changes that are accompanied by the blossoming like a snap dragon years. ¬†Still in a stage of thinking that boys have cooties while they are over there coming up with nick-names to call your boobs. ¬†Yes I know this from first hand experience which you can read about here. ¬†There’s the dealing with mean girls and the constant feeling of wanting to fit in. ¬†Then when you finally do discover boys you also discover that they are nothing but a bunch of testosterone induced assholes jerks.

Womanhood ~¬† Getting married, changing your name and all the paperwork it entails. ¬†I mean seriously it takes everything including giving your blood! ¬†If you work in a predominantly male environment you are constantly trying to prove you are capable of walking all over keeping up with them. ¬†If you work with a bunch of females you are constantly trying to refrain from stabbing someone yourself from all the drama. ¬†Men get to age like fine wine while women get called things like “cougars”. ¬†It’s ok to see some old guy with a young girl but an older woman with a younger man and let the gossip begin. ¬†WHY? ¬†Why does there have to be a label? ¬†Cougars seek out their prey. ¬†I have never had to seek out a man…they come out of nowhere. ¬†How would they like to be called Praying Mantis’?

Here’s a few other reason’s why it sucks to be a female:

You’re expected to shave everything. ¬†I don’t care what they say about bush coming back…there is no man on the planet that likes to have to hack his way with a machete seek through the jungle to get to the gold. ¬†Do men even know what we go through to achieve such a beautiful “landing strip”. ¬†Seriously, do men need help finding the runway?

Putting make-up on. ¬†Ok, maybe you don’t have to wear make-up but speaking for myself I won’t leave the house without at least mascara on…otherwise I look like the boy from the movie “Powder”. ¬†And if I am wanting to compare myself to Kate Upton for the night then that requires a full on face-off surgeon at least 30 minutes of make-up application. ¬†And I still don’t look as good as she probably does when she just rolls out of bed in the morning.

Tampons ~ Need I say more?

Reasons Why Being A Female Sometimes Sucks
*Because some days being a woman goes something like this*

Emotional. ¬†It doesn’t matter if it’s PMS or a Kleenex commercial, there is going to be crying involved. ¬†Along with the other C words of crazy, catty, and cuckoo. ¬†That other C word I won’t even whisper in fear that it may start WWIII. ¬†There is also insane, psycho, lunatic…just to name a few. ¬†Doctors claim there is medication for all of it…I say just drink wine.

High heels. ¬†I don’t wear them and I highly suggest that you don’t either… otherwise this is what your feet are going to look like…I am not a podiatrist¬†¬†but I am licensed to do pedicures.Reasons Why Being Female Sucks Sometimes #uglyfeet #highheeledshoesfeet

Your feet were not meant to be bunched up and extended to such extremes.

Hair-do’s. ¬†How it must be so nice to be a male and just get out of the shower, slap some gel on or put a hat on your head and go….all while still looking fabulous. ¬†Sure I could cut my hair as short as my husbands and do the same, but I don’t wish to be my husband’s identical twin. ¬†DISCLAIMER: ¬†Nothing wrong with having short hair…been there…done that….burned the pictures.

Did I mention boobs? ¬†What is the craze about boobs? ¬†I seriously don’t get it. ¬†Maybe because I am not a man, but I would guess that a man’s balls are about the equivalent anatomy to that of a woman’s boobs,¬†yet you don’t see women running around staring at men’s balls ok maybe not.

Orgasm.  Again, need I say more?

Giving birth. ¬†Let’s just imagine the world if men had to push babies out of the holes of their manhood penises…..keep imagining…. ¬†Poof! There goes that thought along with mankind.

Wardrobe. ¬†I could wear the same pair of jeans, three times during the month, and every time, they look different on me. ¬†I also can’t just throw on a t-shirt and it looks good. ¬†It has to be a certain size to fit my boobs and I refuse to wear anything that isn’t V-neck. ¬†And if I find a t-shirt that I absolutely love and fits perfectly…I AM AFRAID TO WASH IT.

Putting up with men.  This is a no brainer.  Men are non-communitive, unemotional, unattached, simple, horny, effortless, restrained, orgasmic one track minded individuals that we women have no idea how to interpret.  And then wonder why we are crazy.

To Be Continued~

cropped-signature5.jpg

I am linking this post with the following linkys:

The Twinkle Diaries